lyric of the moment...

they say we've been looking for illegal immigrants
can we check your car
i say you know it's funny
i think we were on the same boat back in 1694

-indigo girls "shame on you"



so i've been a college graduate for almost a month now, and i'm still not sure i know how i feel about it. i'm not sure i'm ready to grow up, but i have no choice. life is changing a mile a minute, and i'm not doing a very good job of keeping up with it.

i'm not fond of friends being far away. my biggest wish at the moment is that all the people i love could be in the same place at the same time... all the time. i'm always hesitant about making new friends, probably cause i'm not very good at it, and there have been very few times in my life that i've met someone new and they turned out to be a really great friend. that makes the friends i have special though. i just wish they were closer.

it's funny... i want everyone to stay in the area (and others to move to it), and all the while i'm thinking about where i'm going to be in 2 years. at this point i have no idea. i could be across the country... or in another one. who knows. the thought both excites and terrifies me at the same time. i don't like change, but at the same time, i like knowing that there are more adventures out there for me. my life is such a dichotomy sometimes.

so this is my last night in this dreadful apartment. woo!!!

as much as i'm not going to miss this place, i am going to miss all the late night chats and lazy afternoons of watching food network with the roommate. i'm sure we haven't had our last late night chat or our last afternoon of food network, but things certainly won't be the same anymore. i'm really gonna miss millersville too. i feel like i just got settled, and now i'm leaving. it really doesn't help that i'm moving to scranton, or as i like to call it, the armpit of pennsylvania. i wish i was excited about moving on to the next phase of my life, but instead i'm kinda terrified. *sigh* i am so bad at change...

song for the day...

Attention! Attention!
May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room,
If only, if only for one second
Will you hear what I have to say?
Oh, did I mention when I see you it stings like hell?
To the fact that we could have something that'll never happen.
This table has taken a turn for the worst,
Rock bottom and over the edge
Well it’s not like it hurts that much anyway.
Upside-down and inside-out,
When I leave here I’m going alone
Well it’s not like, not like it, hurts much anyway.
Attention! Attention!
May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room,
If only, if only for one second.
Will you hear what I have to say?
Oh, did I mention when I see you it stings like hell?
To the fact that we could have something, something…
This balance has weighed out our heart’s desire,
I’m trying to make it alone.
Well it’s not like it hurts that much anyway.
Upside-down and inside out,
When I leave here I’m going alone
But I’m dying, I’m dying, to touch..’
And it’s not like it, not like it hurts much anyway.
Attention! Attention!
May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room,
If only, if only for one second.
Will you hear what I have to say?
Oh, did I mention when I see you it stings like hell?
To the fact that we could have something that’ll never happen.
Did you hear what I have to (say)….
Attention Attention
Upside-down and inside-out
Attention Attention
Upside-down and inside-out
Attention! Attention!
May I have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room,
If only, if only for one second.
Will you hear what I have to say?
Oh, did I mention when I see you it stings like hell?
To the fact that we could have something that’ll never happen.
Did you hear what I have to (say)...

-The Academy Is... "Attention"

i am now a college graduate!!! :)





so excited about marywood...




but i'm really gonna miss millersville...

i'm so tired...



i have a million things on my mind...


i'm frustrated... and i'm sad... but most of all...



i'm so tired...

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

-Psalm 34:18

i hate feeling like i'm being used.


i hate feeling like i'm being left behind.


i hate feeling like i'm falling.


i hate feeling like i have no place to land.


i hate how much i miss the way things used to be.


i hate feeling like i'm the only one who misses it.


i hate feeling like everything's changing except me...

i'm having an "i miss old friends" day today. there's something so comforting about people who have known you a long time... i really hope i get to see these people soon... it's been way too long...

besides feeling very nostalgic today, i am stressed to the max with school. i about had a nervous breakdown last night when i found out that my project for research methods is going to be quite a bit more involved than i originally thought. i hate how i allow things like that to affect me so much, so i'm trying to just let it go, and trust that it will all work out. this is not easy for me. i'm good at holding on... not letting go... but the thing is, all i can do is my best... the rest is out of my hands...

on a very different note, mark sent me the link to this video today about 9/11... pretty heavy stuff... check it out (i only watched the first 10 minutes or so, but what i saw was very well done... better than fahrenheit 9/11, if you ask me)

on that note, i'm off to work... love to all...

I don't think I'm any closer now

Than I was at fifteen

I still don't know what I really want

Or how I really feel

Sometimes I think I've seen too much

Sometimes nothing at all

And sometimes I think I just forgot

What I was looking for

-The Cure "Ocean"

You will keep in perfect peace


all who trust in you,


whose thoughts are fixed on you!


-Isaiah 26:3 (NLT)

16This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.
17If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?
18Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

1 John 3:16-18

First of all thanks for listening to our song
We hope this finds you driving in your car
or where ever you are breathe out and breathe again
know that life is hard, but its worth breathing,
listen to me now for love, oh love, It's waiting for you just to say

here come better days
here come better days
better days, and a better place I know.

Secondly I'm all messed up so royally
I stumbled my way here, but wait,
oh wait grace has found me
shaken up my soul, grace will follow
wherever you will go, listen to me now grace,
oh grace, is calling for you just to say

here come better days
here come better days,
better days, and a better place I know.

Green grass and I'm laying in the sunlight of you,
the wind is moving through the trees blustering you,
and the better days you bring, the better places found,
feasting at your table I'm overwhelmed,
and I lift my glass drink to those who never gave up,
clouds pass fading into memories gone,
and all I know for life is life and love and peace,
what else could there be?

here come better days,
oh here come better days,
better days, and a better place I know

-Robbie Seay Band "Better Days"

ah, james... i love james...

1My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism.
2Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in.
3If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet,"
4have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?

14What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?
15Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food.
16If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?

-James 2:1-4 & 14-16

yes, today is sunday. no, i didn't go to church.

for quite some time now, my desire to be involved in church has been on what may best be described as a roller-coaster ride. my "distaste" for some aspects of the church (and by this i mean the "community of believers"-- a.k.a. christians) began during my sophomore year in high school. i went to a conservative christian school in bloomsburg, whose leaders tended (in my opinion) to be comprable to the pharisees described in the new testament. in my experience, many of the leaders of this school failed to love as Christ loved. they had very stringent standards of dress, behavior, attitudes, and opinions that could not be defied or even questioned without some kind of reproach. (in contrast, most of the teachers i had were wonderful examples of Christ's love, and i am truly thankful for them.) before i go on, i will say that i don't mean to berate these individuals. we are all human, and i am just as capable of mistreating people as they are. i am merely using them as an example to explain my feelings about the church.

there are many examples stored in my memory that i could recount for you, but i don't think they're necessary in making my point. i will just say this: there were many situations in which individuals involved in the school (teachers and students) were in need of some compassion, but instead were attacked and scolded for what was seen as their "shortcomings". naturally, i became fairly angry and hurt about this mistreatment, and because i was young and immature, i allowed what began as "righteous anger" to turn into bitterness.

in the year that followed, painful situations escalated at school. in addition, my beloved piano teacher passed away prematurely from heart disease, my boyfriend at the time was deployed to kuwait for six months, my youth pastor and his wife moved away in order for him to continue his education, and several major disagreements errupted in my church. the combination of all these situations caused a flood of questions to flow through my mind. the most prominent of which was, "if this is how christians treat people, do i really want to be labeled as one?"

with the assistance of time and several loving mentors, i began to understand that the hurtful behavior of the individuals mentioned before was not christianity, the basis for which is love, grace, and acceptance. this realization didn't solve much for me. yes, it answered the question of what christianity is really all about, but it also induced another, perhaps bigger question: "how do we accomplish this?" this is a question that i still often ask myself. i think it's a question that we need to never stop asking. how do we love as Christ loved? how do we become, as my youth pastor so poignantly described it, "jesus with skin on"? obviously, there is no easy answer, but i think that at the core, we must stop focusing on ourselves. last week i drove through a little town outside of lancaster called conestoga, and noticed the sign in front of one of the churches on the main road. it said, "at the center of sin is i". i think we can all agree it's a bit cheezy, but i think the point is valuable. until christians stop focusing on ourselves, we will continue to hurt those around us and fail in our calling to love.

all this to say that today i was thinking about why i didn't want to go to church this morning. there are many reasons. some are purely personal that i just need to get over, and some are more, fundamental, if you will. i think the christian community has come to a crossroads. we are stagnant. something needs to change, but are we willing to do the work involved to bring about this change? last night mark and i went to provident bookstore. while browsing the "church" section, mark noticed that many of the books were about "the emerging church". we both stated our pleasure in knowing that there are other people out there who are willing to critique the church, but mark questioned whether this was a movement that would bring about real change, or if it was all just a bunch of rhetoric.

something needs to be changed, and i'm beginning to believe that the church, as it is, cannot be fixed. i think that, in a lot of ways, we need to completely abandon the way we do things now, and start over. i don't know how to accomplish this, but i hope and pray that God will enlighten us... and soon...

i don't have much to say, other than... this weekend was loads of fun... and here are some pictures from t.j. rockwell's...

in case you don't know, this is me, the kateness, and amber

and here's katie and laura

hope everyone is having a great week... love to all...

since it's almost time for my least favorite day of the year, i thought i'd share my favorite valentine's day card...(check out the website too... what's your favorite?)

can't. fall. asleep... must. stop. thinking...

forgive me... i have no time to post... and no exciting events to post about...




(happy, mark? )

it's the first day of my last semester! i cannot believe it. it seems like yesterday i was moving into the dorm! madness i tell you!

anyway... today was interesting. i was supposed to start working at the CDRE, but the building had to be closed because of hazmat contamination. so... i went grocery shopping instead. oh, how i love grocery shopping. it seems that i ALWAYS manage to go when it's raining. i really need to time these things better.

as always, i miss bloomsburg. i had such a great weekend, it was so hard to leave last night. on saturday, i went to carri and michelle's with shell and brandon. the 5 of us, along with tony (brandon's old roommate), played board games all night. for anyone who hasn't experienced michelle killian in board game mode, it is a sight to behold. she gets ridiculous. it seriously made my week... especially when she yelled out, "eat dirt, bird!" it was a great night. shell and brandon are the best (as we all know), and michelle and carri are just so much fun. tony is too... i just don't know him that well yet, and he spent most of the night trying to gross me out... which continued the next night at good old days. i can't really blame him though, it's very easy to get a reaction from me.

speaking of good old days... we hung out there on sunday night cause brandon's old roommates ran out of oil, so they didn't have heat in their house. there really are no words to describe good old days... you'd have to experience it for yourself. there's just something incredibly enjoyable about hanging out with your friends and watching drunk people sing karaoke.

and now i will leave you with this thought... "whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect." -mark twain

love to all...

well, once again i'm wide awake at 1 in the morning. tonight i'm thinking about friends... in particular, some i haven't seen in quite some time. it's funny to think about how close we were at one point, and now we talk about once a year... if we're lucky. there's one friend who always seems to pop up just when i need someone to cheer me up. i miss that person the most tonight... and other nights too... and even some days. hopefully i'll get to see this person soon... possibly this summer.

which reminds me... nobody else wants to go to the grand canyon with me? we don't really have to do the grand canyon, but it would be fun to do a little camping/hiking trip. c'mon, guys... you know you want to!

wish me luck... i'm gonna go try to sleep now...

g'night, kids... much love...

i want to hike to the bottom of the grand canyon (and back up to the top, of course). who's with me?!?

blah.

tired of this phase.

only a few more months.

i hope.

in case you didn't know, i have the best friends in the world.

friday night i went out to see sar. we were supposed to go to a little shin dig with some of her friends, and have some holiday "spirits" if you will. sadly, i got sick (not because of the spirits, mind you. i didn't even get that far). so instead, i spent the night laying in her bed watching nick and nite and trying not to puke... again. meanwhile, the poor girl stayed home to take care of me. she's the sweetest thing. and apparently i look like a cabbage patch doll when i'm sleeping. i think that was teeb's revelation. haha... good times.

on saturday night shell and brandon came down to hang out with me. it was so great. i haven't gotten to spend a lot of time with shell lately, cause she's been super busy. so it was awesome to have her hang out last night. she is the biggest goofity goofs. and i lovies her upies! hehe brandon's pretty great too... but ya know, i see him all the time. seriously though, they're the greatest. i'm so thankful they're in my life.

so minus being sick, i had a pretty great weekend. i have awesome friends, a wonderful family, and an adorable dog. life is good...





on a much sadder note... today is the one year anniversary of my friend, dave's death. i don't really know what to say about him... he was just an amazing person. *miss ya, dave... can't wait to see ya again*

and this is why i love my roommate...

katie patatie: we're same sex parents of a cross dressing fish
katie patatie: what does that say about america?

so it's finals week already. this semester has gone so quickly (probably because i went home just about every weekend... and the one i didn't, my bestest buddy brandon came down to visit me). it's hard to believe that in less than 6 months i will be graduating from college. it seems like just yesterday i was moving into the dorm. it's funny to think how much has changed... how much i've changed...

over the past couple of days i've become almost sad that it will soon be over. i've been concentrating so much lately on the future (with grad. school and all that), that i haven't thought much about the present... and the fact that my college days will soon come to an end. it was a great experience. i've learned so much... mostly from sociology classes (as opposed to english classes... hence the change of major)... from friends, from myself. i'm anticipating learning and growing more as life goes on, but i hope i never forget what i've learned here.

ok, enough of the soul searching (haha)... i must get back to work. i'm so apathetic right now. all i want to do is sit around eating christmas cookies and reading. *sigh* 2 more days...

good luck on finals, kids... much love...

"sometimes i don't hate but i want to
blinded by the reason i found you
it's just a feeling i get when i'm around you
can you relate to what i'm going through?
how much farther will i get?
man, i feel like such a moving target
how many times will i slip before i find it?
until then i guess i'll just keep climbing"

-thousand foot krutch "stranger"

happy birthday, scotty potty!

today someone whined about my not updating my blog in a while. so here's an update:

i'm tired of school, and i would REALLY like it to be december 15th right now... even better... MAY 15th!


on another note... i miss my buddies (and ma and pops and mags).



and now i have exceeded my mental capacity for the evening, so i'm going out to the livingroom to be a bum.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul...

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul...

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

i had another wonderful weekend in good old bloomsburg (well, for the most part anyway...). on thursday night i hung out with ceej and greg and watched them make apple dumplings. i was supposed to help, but well... i didn't cause i'm bum. then friday ma and i went up to marywood to visit the campus and get some information on grad. school and all that stuff. it went well. i really think i'll like the program, and the campus is really beautiful. the numerous statues of mary reminded me of the time we all went up to see one of jay's soccer games. that was a good time...

anyway... then on friday night i hung out with brandon and his buds. they are such a good time. i had a blast! i had a rough week (which continued that night for reasons i won't get into), so it was just great to kick back and laugh with them. i wish shell could've hung out with us, but she has a big test today that she had to study for. *good luck, buddy*

saturday i pretty much just stayed around the house... did a little homework... slept for a while... bummed around in general. then brandon and i went to the susquehanna valley mall before greg's hockey game. he did a little shopping, then we went to garfield's for an appetizer and dessert, and then went and met ceej at the hockey game. as we were driving to the rink, brandon missed the turn into the parking lot. so i said, "i dare you to drive through the grass". he did. and then realized there was a curb, and instead of stopping and backing up, he just went right over it. it was hilarious. i thought i was going to pee my pants! the night was a lot of fun... brought back a lot of memories...

on sunday i went to church, did a little shopping with ma, took a nap, then went to church to talk to the youth group. it was fun. i hope i get to do it again. when i got home i told ma we should get a movie. so we went down and got charlie and the chocolate factory. it was SOOOO good! we both laughed so hard. it was great.

and now i'm back in good old lancaster county (boo!). the next few weeks are probably going to be a blur, which is good and bad. i'm going to be so busy, i'm going to go out of my mind, but it will also make the time go faster... and that's a very good thing right now.

hope everyone has a great week... love to all...

i had such a great weekend. it's so good to come home and spend time with people who really understand and care about me. i've been so blessed with wonderful parents (and an equally but differently wonderful dog... haha) and friends.

friday night i just kinda relaxed and hung out with my parents. it's funny to think that, at one point in my life, i thought they were the biggest dorks. now they're two of my best friends...

saturday night brandon and i went cruising through bloomsburg like the cool kids we are. haha... it was so great. we listened to dumb music and did a little car dancing. then we went to visit his friends, carrie and michelle, who are loads of fun. after that we came back to my house and sat on the couch talking (for about 4 hours) about everything from the war on terror to relationships and just about everything in between. i honestly think that if i had a brother, he would be just like brandon. growing up i always wanted a big brother that would look out for me. i couldn't have a "real" older brother, so God gave me brandon. so beyond getting the sisters that i never thought i'd have, i got a brother too (when one of them fell in love with the crazy kid ). i'm a very lucky girl.

today i went to church, which is always good. i got to talk to miss joan for a little while. she's so encouraging. then ma and i went out to penn state lehman for the craft show and met my aunt annie, aunt susie, uncle tony, and my cousin kelly. the family thing overall is still pretty dismal, but there are good things too. i've gotten a lot closer to some of my aunts, uncles, and cousins, and i'm happy about that. gotta focus on the positive...

on that note, i'm off to bed. g'night kids... much love...

i really have no words for this... but i had to share anyway...

mark: s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s
BuTtErFlYcHiK84: ?
mark: it was fun
BuTtErFlYcHiK84: what was it?
mark: try two letters
BuTtErFlYcHiK84: hahahaha
BuTtErFlYcHiK84: you are the biggest dork
mark: cncncncncncncncncncn
BuTtErFlYcHiK84: oh my soul
mark: it can look cool if you pick the right letters
BuTtErFlYcHiK84: more evidence that you were called to be a youth leader
mark: cpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcp

so it's been a while...

all i really have to say is, thank heaven for good friends and the knowledge that no matter what, i'm gonna be ok...


so many questions... so few answers...


someday it will all be clear...

Psalm 20

1GOD answer you on the day you crash,
The name God--of-Jacob put you out of harm's reach,
2Send reinforcements from Holy Hill,
Dispatch from Zion fresh supplies,
3Exclaim over your offerings,
Celebrate your sacrifices,
4Give you what your heart desires,
Accomplish your plans.

5When you win, we plan to raise the roof
and lead the parade with our banners.
May all your wishes come true!

6That clinches it--help's coming,
an answer's on the way,
everything's going to work out.

7See those people polishing their chariots,
and those others grooming their horses?
But we're making garlands for GOD our God.
8The chariots will rust,
those horses pull up lame--
and we'll be on our feet, standing tall.

9Make the king a winner, GOD;
the day we call, give us your answer.

i have the best friends ever...

Bslong034: you and i
Bslong034: i think were bro and sister in heaven before God sent us down



i'm so blessed...

Psalm 31

14Desperate, I throw myself on you:
you are my God!
15Hour by hour I place my days in your hand,
safe from the hands out to get me.
16Warm me, your servant, with a smile;
save me because you love me.
17Don't embarrass me by not showing up;
I've given you plenty of notice.
Embarrass the wicked, stand them up,
leave them stupidly shaking their heads
as they drift down to hell.
18Gag those loudmouthed liars
who heckle me, your follower,
with jeers and catcalls.

19What a stack of blessing you have piled up
for those who worship you,
Ready and waiting for all who run to you
to escape an unkind world.
20You hide them safely away
from the opposition.
As you slam the door on those oily, mocking faces,
you silence the poisonous gossip.
21Blessed GOD!
His love is the wonder of the world.
Trapped by a siege, 22I panicked.
"Out of sight, out of mind," I said.
But you heard me say it,
you heard and listened.

23Love GOD, all you saints;
GOD takes care of all who stay close to him,
But he pays back in full
those arrogant enough to go it alone.

24Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up.
Expect GOD to get here soon.

On Purpose

When a cowboy applied for an insurance policy, the agent asked, "Have you ever had any accidents?" After a moment's reflection, the applicant responded, "Nope, but a bronc did kick in two of my ribs last summer, and a couple of years ago a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle."

"Wouldn't you call those accidents?" replied the puzzled agent. "Naw," the cowboy said, "they did it on purpose!"

That story reminds me of the biblical truth that there are no accidents in the lives of God's children. In today's Scripture (Gen. 50: 15-21), we read how Joseph interpreted a difficult experience that had seemed like a great calamity. He had been thrown into a pit and then sold as a slave. This was a great test of his faith, and from the human standpoint it appeared to be a tragic case of injustice, not a providential means of blessing. But Joseph later learned that "God meant it for good" (Gen. 50:20).

Are you passing through the deep waters of a trial and disappointment? Does everything seem to be going against you? These apparent misfortunes are not accidents. The Lord allows such things for a blessed purpose. So patiently trust Him. If you know the Lord, someday you will praise Him for it all!

-Richard DeHann

* from Our Daily Bread

Psalm 25

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
2 in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.
4 Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths;
5 guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
7 Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD.
8 Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
11 For the sake of your name, O LORD, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
13 He will spend his days in prosperity, and his descendants will inherit the land.
14 The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.
18 Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.
19 See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me!
20 Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.
22 Redeem Israel, O God, from all their troubles!

i have never felt more stupid in all my life.


i don't know how to fix it...

i am the biggest dork.

so it's after midnight, and i'm trying to go to sleep cause i have a class at 8 tomorrow morning. but i can't sleep. why you ask? cause i can't stop thinking about the silly bloomsburg fair. i'm so stinking excited to go home this weekend and eat all the wonderful fair food. mmmmmm...

there's just something about the fair. granted, it's exactly the same from year to year, but somehow it never gets old. maybe that's what makes it special... it's just like bloomsburg... always the same... there aren't too many things in this world that are unchanging, but the bloomsburg fair (as well as bloomsburg in general) comes pretty close. i have such great memories of the fair from the time i was really little to even last year. i remember my parents taking me to see all the animals when i was really young, and i remember my grandmother coming with us one year, and of course there are all the times i went in high school. i can't believe we used to go every day. oh man, we were such nerds. hopefully i'll create equally wonderful memories this year...

g'night kids... much love...

I HATE THIS BLASTED APARTMENT!!!!!!!

i cannot wait to move out... only 8 more months...





(i don't have the energy to explain... if you're that curious, read katie's blog)

hehe... sorry boys... it was just too funny not to share.

i feel that i must share with you some pictures from this weekend, cause, well... they're just too darn cute not to share!

the prize for the quotation of the day goes to mark :

mark: I'm telling you, you're a drug


thanks... i think...

how funny is this picture!?! it's from when we went to hershey for halloween 2 years ago. i have no idea what i was looking at that made me look so horrified. haha... good times, good times.

well, my first day of classes went pretty well. i think i'm really going to like the two i had today. i really cannot understand why i thought i wanted to be an editor. i LOVE sociology classes. it makes so much more sense for me to go into social work than to become an editor. sometimes i think someone else should make decisions for me.

speaking of decisions, i was just on the phone talking to my mother about graduate schools. last fall i started looking at the university of maryland and marywood. for a while i was thinking about applying to temple, boston college, and boston university as well, but i've ruled them out on the basis of not wanting to take GRE's or living eight hours (or something) away from bloomsburg. so it looks like i'll just be applying to marywood and maryland. i hate decisions though. i can see myself getting really stressed out about this one. there's just so much to consider, and so little information to go on at this point. i'm so impatient... and i just hate not knowing what i'm doing next. i like to have a plan. i know it will all work out eventually, and i'll wonder why i was so stressed out about it, but right now i'm a little worried. maybe i'll just try eeny meeny miney moe. sound good?

on a rather different note... the kateness is coming home with me this weekend!!!!! i'm so excited. hopefully i'll be able to get some of my buds together on saturday night to take her out to all the happenin' places in bloomsburg. hehe i'm sure it will be like nothing she's ever experienced before.

and now i must go to bed, cause i'm way tired. g'night, kids... much love...

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


(for various reasons... you'd just have to be in my head)

oh... i just LOVE it when i can't fall asleep.


stupid brain...

mark has this song on his xanga... and well, i felt the need to steal this part of it and post it here. it's just been that kind of week...


and i can't understand, all that you allow
i just can't see the reason
but my life is in your hands and though i cannot see you
i choose to trust you


*hugs* for mark... and others who may have had a rough week...

i've decided that this living alone stuff has got to end. i'm about to lose my mind!!!


luckily, i only have a few more days...

i miss my bloomsburg buddies like whoa!

this weekend was another great one... saturday ma and i made a big dinner for all my buds (well... not all... some weren't able to come... and they were missed ) it was spectacular. my mother can COOK! it was seriously the best eggplant parmesan i have ever eaten. it's really too bad that i didn't inherit any of the cooking genes. anyway, i had a great time with everybody. i know i say it a lot, but i really love those guys. the greatest thing about the time we spend together is that we don't do anything. haha... we just sit around being goofy and having a blast.

then yesterday the parents and i went to eagle's mere to the arts and crafts festival. we walked up to the booth where you pay to get in and as my father was paying the woman, she asked, "is she 16?" um... yeah... i'm 21. i LOVE that she thought i was under 16. i suppose that will be a good thing in about 30 years, but right now it's kinda frustrating. eh well... we had a good laugh.

we came home, ate, and i did a little homework and then started to get my stuff together in order to leave. as i was doing this, my mother was watching the PGA tournament to see if she could spot jay in the crowd (she was convinced that she'd be able to see him amongst the throngs of people), and as she was watching, a severe weather alert came across the screen. the weather service was calling for severe thunderstorms all across the state, so long story short, i stayed in bloomsburg last night and got up at 6:30 this morning to drive back here to go to class at 10:15. i am beat. i laid around all afternoon and slept for over and hour or so, and i'm still tired. it was nice to get to stay an extra night though. we all (including the mags) sat on the porch for a while... then daddy went to bed cause he has to get up at an hour that doesn't even exist to me... so then ma and i sat out there and chatted about life. i'm so blessed to have the parents i have. not many people can say that their parents are their best friends. i'm glad i can.

speaking of best friends... sarah's family moved to new jersey today. that is so very weird to me. it's hard to believe she won't be living in that house anymore. i'm sure it's weird to her as well. but i hope she knows she is always welcomed to crash at my house if she's feeling homesick or just wants a homecooked meal. my parents would absolutely love it. change is hard... but as miss joan always says, it's the only thing that's constant.

and now i'm off to work on statistics. this is my last week (i hope)... my final is on thursday, so if you need me before then, i'll probably be in the livingroom studying til my eyes begin to bleed. (sorry katie)

love to all...

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
-Jeremiah 29:13

what a great weekend...

last night i got to hang out with my best buds in bloomsburg. it was absolutely wonderful. i forgot how much i love being with all of them. first shell, brandon, jay and i hung out at brandon's grandmother's pool for a little while. then cj, greg and lindsay met us back at my house, and we just sat around talking all night. shell, brandon, and jay stayed til about 2 in the morning. it has been a really long time since shell has hung out that late. i was trying to remember the last time... i think it was 3 years ago, right after her birthday, when the four of us sat on my front porch talkin' til 2am. i have some great memories with those guys. i'm so thankful that they're all a part of my life. it was just so reviving to be with them last night. i really needed that. and it really meant a lot to me for shell to stay out so late, cause she doesn't often do that. i feel special.

i have this quote in my profile that says, "when i find myself fading, i close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy". that couldn't be more true for me. those guys really are my energy. i miss them so much when i'm not home. i'm just able to be more of myself when i'm with them, and that's such a great feeling.

so thank you guys for an incredible night... you mean the world to me... love ya bunches...

It is customary to blame secular science and anti-religious philosophy for the eclipse of religion in modern society. It would be more honest to blame religion for its own defeats. Religion declined not because it was refuted, but because it became irrelevant, dull, oppressive, insipid. When faith is completely replaced by creed, worship by discipline, love by habit; when the crisis of today is ignored because of the splendor of the past; when faith becomes an heirloom rather than a living fountain; when religion speaks only in the name of authority rather than with the voice of compassion - its message becomes meaningless.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel




(side note: mark sent this to me, just so everyone knows and he doesn't start whining again)

happy birthday, sar!!!

I DON'T WANNA BE IN COLLEGE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!

so i spent all day yesterday and most of today outside at a soccer tournament in york. guess who didn't put sunscreen on her back? for some reason i didn't think i'd get burnt. wrong. so wrong. i'm so sore right now. and it sucks that i live alone, cause it's kinda hard to put aloe on my own back. *ugh*

the weekend was a lot of fun though. it made me miss playing soccer... even though i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i'm in no shape to play anymore. it'd be fun to just play around though. i was really impressed by the over 30 and 40 year old teams. i doubt i'll even be able to run by the time i'm that age, let alone play in a soccer tournament. maybe i should quit bein' so lazy.

i can't believe tomorrow is august 1st. the summer went so fast. to be honest, i'm kinda glad that it's almost over. i'm getting tired of living alone, and i want my last year of college to start... so it can end... all i have to do is get through intro to stats and then soc. stats, which has been a challenge so far... and will continue to be, i'm sure. stupid math. who needs it?

this weekend went so fast... tomorrow's monday already... the only good thing about that is that it's one day closer to me going home on saturday. i'm really looking forward to being in bloomsburg again. it's crazy how much i miss home lately. it's probably just because i'm tired of being here. lancaster just isn't as friendly as bloomsburg. throughout high school i thought all i wanted to do was get out of bloomsburg, but over the past 3 years i've learned to appreciate it a lot more. it'll always be home...

i already have senioritis to the max, and the school year hasn't even started yet. i really hope the next 10 months go quickly.

on another note, this weekend went way too quickly. it was so great to get to spend some quality time with my kateness. saturday afternoon we laid outside for a while, went to the pool, made dinner for ourselves, and then went to t.j. rockwell's in e-town for some drinks. it was a great time. i miss her already!

tomorrow starts the second week of statistics... which means only 4 weeks to go. i cannot tell you how much i loathe math. i cannot wait for this class to be over! it's been pretty stressful so far, and it's bound to get worse. *ugh*

and i'm already looking forward to the weekend. it should be quite nice.

g'night, kids... much love...

i miss bloomsburg. i miss my parents. i miss maggie. i miss my friends. i miss my front porch. i miss my backyard. i miss my livingroom. i miss my bedroom. i miss my driveway. i miss it all...

i've decided that weekends should be 5 days and weeks should be 2. this makes much more sense to me. who wants to work 5 days a week and only have 2 off?!? it's unbalanced and just plain wrong.

tomorrow is the last day of my sociology class. the past month has gone so quickly (with the exception of this week). i can't believe the regular school year starts in 6 weeks. good grief! i'm kind of excited though. it's hard to believe, but this is my senior year. that's such a weird thought. in a little less than a year i'll be graduating from college and going off to graduate school somewhere. i don't know where the past four years have gone. it seems like just yesterday i was sitting in front of a fire near the hemsarth's pond with all my friends, talking about starting college. oh, the memories...

so tomorrow i finally get my own drawer at work (haha... i'm so random tonight). i'm quite happy about this, because for the past week or two i've kinda just been standing around doing nothing. it'll be nice to feel like i'm actually doing something useful. i'm working all day on friday, which will probably be a little stressful. the bank is rather busy on fridays since that's the day that most people get paid. hopefully i'll be at the drive-up. i don't feel quite as much pressure there since the customers aren't right in front of me. oooh! and i get paid! woo!

after work i'm heading home again. i have some fun plans for the weekend. it's sure to be a great time. which reminds me... i need to make a phone call...

anyway, i hope everyone is well! *hugs*

this week could not possibly go more slowly!!! argh!!!

"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."
-John 16:33



much love...

happy birthday, shell!!!

last night the youth group did a "bigger and better" scavenger hunt. they start with a pencil, and go around to houses asking for something bigger and/or better than what they started with to (possibly) be donated to the water street rescue mission. my girls got a bunch of stuffed animals, a couch, and a grill. another group got a dryer. haha... good times. anyway... we can't take everything to the rescue mission, so some of us had to take stuff home. i took a set of livingroom furniture. originally i was only going to take 2 chairs, but i decided to take the couch too, since it was free and all. it's pretty nice stuff. the couch is a little worn, but it's comfy... and again... it's free. hooray for free things!!!

tomorrow i'm working from 8:45- 5:00 and then going home again for the weekend. i'm definitely looking forward to that. last weekend was so great... i'm hoping this one will be just as fun. i never thought i'd miss bloomsburg so much...

happy 21st birthday, ceejer!!!!

i'm a nerd. i miss bloomsburg already. i can't wait to go home again this weekend for the fireworks in millville. that's always a rockin' good time.

i hope everyone had a nice fourth of july. mine was quite lovely.... well, besides getting thoroughly burnt at the parade. you'd think after 21 years of having this skin, i'd know better than to sit outside in the sun for hours without sunscreen on. it was a really great day though...

i wish i could have stayed and gone to the fireworks in bloomsburg with sarah tonight. silly work. i miss my sar.

so i'm home for the weekend. two of my friends got married yesterday. it's so weird. i'm so happy for them though. they're the cutest! the wedding was great. i got to see a bunch of people from high school whom i haven't seen in a long time. and of course i got to see ceej, greg, shell, and boober... which is always a rockin' good time. i drug jay to the wedding with me. i don't think he had the best time in the world, but i was glad he was there. i'm not a big fan of going to weddings alone. it's no good.

after the wedding we went to the millville carnival and then out with some of jay's buds. those boys are crazy, but they're a good time.

i love bloomsburg...

i had a lovely surprise last night. jay came down to lancaster to go to a baseball game and i got to go with him. we had a great time. i even won a dozen roses.

i have great friends... life is good...

*sigh*... can't wait to get home this weekend...

happy birthday, markus carkus!

i officially quit my job at gadzooks tonight. it was awesome. i'm so relieved that i will only be working there a few more days. tonight my manager stood in the doorway of the store talking to a friend and her boyfriend from 5:30 until 7:50. yes, i timed her because this happens all the time. she definitely told me and my co-workers to work on shipment because she "shouldn't have to do it" and then proceeded to stand around talking for almost two and a half hours. i cannot tell you how angry that made me. i wish i was more assertive. i day-dreamed of telling her that i wasn't going to work anymore if she continued standing there doing nothing. i wish i could do things like that. i just don't have the guts. she wasn't very happy when i told her i was starting at the bank on the 27th. she told me i couldn't use her as a reference for future jobs. i wanted to tell her that i wouldn't use her as a reference in a million years because she is the most irresponsible, unprofessional person i've ever worked for, but again, i didn't have the guts. *sigh* maybe one day i'll learn to be more assertive.

on a fairly different note... i have to say i'm still frustrated with church. well... maybe not church, just some people at church. i cannot understand why these people think that women should not be in positions of leadership. there is nothing intrinsic about a woman that makes her unable to be a leader. this is the 21st century. we're not cave people. this shouldn't even be an issue. i also can't understand why these people get so upset about others' choice of clothing. evidently something as insignificant as clothing is more important to these people than caring for students. what kind of message are we sending them if we're arguing over wardrobe? i will say that there are other individuals at church for whom i'm very thankful (they tend to be the people who are more open-minded). so i'll try to focus on the positive aspects of church in order to keep myself sane. forgive my rant... i'm just so tired of close-mindedness.

i feel much better now, so i'm off to bed... g'night all... much love...

katie and i are soul-roommates.

last night before we went to bed we both put the same lyrics to "feeling this" by blink 182 in our away messages (without knowing the other one had done so). i would say we spend too much time together, but we don't anymore now that she's home for the summer. maybe our brains communicate silently over a distance. it could happen.

i just found out today that green day and jimmy eat world are playing in philly in september and i can't get tickets!!!!!! i'm so sad! katie and i thought maybe we could just get separate tickets and just stand together somewhere, but we don't know if they'd let us do that. has anyone been to a concert there before? if you have, let me know if you think we'd be able to do that.

on a very different note... i'm thoroughly frustrated and confused by someone tonight (and have been for some time). i'm just not understanding why things are the way they are right now. i'm usually good at figuring people out, but this person is quite a challenge. i really value their friendship... but i need some kind of reciprocation...

and now i need to stop thinking and go to bed. i hope everyone is well... much love...

from Nicholas Sparks' latest novel, True Believer...

"One day, you're going to learn something that can't be explained with science. And when that happens, your life's going to change in ways you can't imagine..."



the past few days have brought with them several unexpected joys... i have great friends... it's good to be alive...



i hope everyone is well... much love...

i can't find my brian regan cd!!!!

well i was a little skeptical about my birthday, but i have to say i had the best day. i woke up to several birthday greetings... and got some others throughout the day. my parents took me to olive garden for lunch, then later all my buds up here came over for dessert and then took me out for some drinks. it was a great night. i couldn't ask for better friends. thanks for making my birthday special, guys. i love you more than words can say...

woo! 21 in 2 days!!! hehe

if you're in the bloomsburg area on monday night, come on over... we're havin' peach trifle!

i really hate not being needed...

i'm quite restless tonight. i got into bed around 12. it is now 1:30 and i still haven't fallen asleep (obviously). i have a lot on my mind... some things i need to think about, some i really don't. i'm remembering my past... and wondering about my future. i can't change the past and i can't predict the future, so i wish i could just stop thinking and fall asleep. i can't say that i'm a fan of nights like these...

i'm such a sucker for surveys. this one was stolen from miss abigail schleinkofer...

[my name is]: jessica lynne bird
[height?]: 5'3"
[in the morning i am]: totally useless
[all i need is]: "love, love... love is all you need..."
[love is]: a mystery
[i'm afraid of]: being hurt... hurting someone else
[i dream about]: lately i've had several dreams about ex-boyfriends... they were all hanging out together... little weird.
-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-
[been in love]: yep
[cried when someone died]: absolutely
[lied]: yeah
-W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-
[coke or pepsi]: i don't really like either, but pepsi's better
[flowers or candy]: if the candy is chocolate... definitely candy
[tall or short]: hhhmm... depends on what we're talking about...
-W I T H . T H E . O P P O S I T E . S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: eyes... mmm... eyes
[last person you slow danced with]: probably jay... haha... nothing like dancing to no music ;)
[worst question to ask]: uh... no idea
-W H O-
[makes you laugh?]: katie patatie... pretty much all my friends
[makes you smile]: my friends...
[gives you a funny feeling when you see them]: ...
[who do you have a crush on?]: let's see... johnny depp, ewan mcgregor...
[has a crush on you?]: hah. i'm gonna guess no one
[easiest to talk to]: katie, sarah, mark, ryan, jay, mama :)
-D O . Y O U . E V E R-
[Stay on aim, waitin for someone special to IM you]: bleck.
[save aol/aim conversations]: trillian saves them automatically... sometimes that's not so good for me...
[wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: oh heavens no!
[cry because of someone saying something to you]: i wish i could say i was stronger than that, but i'm not
-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend]: yep. it was rough, but i'm hopeful that the friendship will be restored...
[been rejected?]: yep
[rejected someone]: yeah :(
[used someone]: unfortunately, i think i have.
[done something you regret]: oh yeah. many things...
-W H O . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: probably ma
[hugged]: katie
[you instant messaged]: boober
[instant messaged you?]: markus carkus
[you laughed with]:the kateness
-D O . Y O U / / A R E . Y O U-
[color your hair]: nope
[habla espanol]: ugh
[smoke cigarettes]: ew
[obsessive]: with certain things
[could you live without the computer?]: probably not
[how many peeps are on your buddylist?]: there are no peeps on my buddy list. there are a little over 100 people on it though...
[what's your favorite food?]: any kind of pasta
[whats your favorite fruit?]: grapes
[drink alcohol?]: i'm gonna plead the 5th on this one too since i won't be 21 for another couple days...
[like watching sunrises or sunset]: sunsets... sigh... i love sunsets!
[what hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?]: emotional. without a doubt.
[trust others way too easily?]: ha. trust? what's that?

I know it's a cornball thing but
love is passion, obsession, someone
you can't live without. If you
don't start with that, what are you
going to end up with? I say fall
head over heels. Find someone you
can love like crazy and who'll love
you the same way back. And how do
you find him? Forget your head and
listen to your heart. I'm not
hearing any heart.
Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll
come back. Because, the truth is
there is no sense living your life
without this. To make the journey
and not fall deeply in love -- well,
you haven't lived a life at all.
You have to try. Because if you
haven't tried, you haven't lived.

-Meet Joe Black

there's no place like home...

last night i went to visit jay in j-town. when i got there he hadn't eaten yet, so we decided to go to the jerseytown tavern. for those who don't know, the jerseytown tavern is just about the only place in jerseytown, so most of the people there on a given night are regulars who all know each other. if they don't all know each other, they pretty much all know jay and his family. so as we walked in and sat down a number of people came over to jay to say hi. we sat there chatting with each other and some of the waitresses whom jay tortures each and every time he goes in there to eat (which is pretty often... those poor women). the best part was... wednesday nights are bluegrass nights at the tavern. it was so much fun. the guy who plays the banjo is amazing. i've never seen anyone's fingers move so quickly in my life. i wish i could describe the tavern and the night more fully, but it's something you'd have to experience for yourself to understand. i had such a great time. it's good to be home...

this is a great article. i'll give you the first couple lines, and if you want to read more... click here...

Neither party owns the rights to Christianity
Consider Christianity.
It is a faith broad enough to encompass everything from a pope in Rome to a missionary in South America to a snake handler in Appalachia. Apparently, however, it is not broad enough to encompass a Democrat in North Carolina.

i'd love to know what you think...

stolen from mark's blog...

Once you label me you negate me.
-Soren Kierkegaard

and...

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
-Soren Kierkegaard

it's good to be home...

i'm really enjoying spending time with my bloomsburg buds. i had forgotten how much i miss these guys. the past few days have reminded me of some good times we've had together in the past. it's good to know that no matter how far apart we are or how much time has passed since we've seen each other, we're still great friends. i love you guys to pieces!

life is good...

life has been a little insane lately... hence my failure to post...

i had a great talk with someone yesterday about my fear of failing and about my reflex to run when i get hurt... particularly when i'm hurt by 'christians'. it was good to hear that he sometimes feels the same way i do about the church. i'm just so tired of the same old things (how can you be a democrat and a christian? i swear, if i hear that one more time my head is going to explode), so a few months ago i kinda ran away. i'm not really sure that i regret it though. i needed time... i needed space. it just hurts me that so often i'm not accepted in christian organizations because i think differently than most 'christians'. why can't we appreciate our differences and learn from one another!?! why do you have to be right, and i have to be wrong? so i'm a democrat (really... i'm probably more of a socialist... can't wait for the comments on that), so i don't have a problem with drinking, so i swear from time to time (ok, a lot of times), so i like tattoos and piercings... that doesn't make me any less of a christian than the guy in the pew on sunday morning in his khakis and polo shirt. i'm just so tired of defending myself. i'm tired of us not getting along. i'm tired of the bullshit that doesn't matter. so since i was hurt and tired i ran away. but lately i've been realizing that that isn't going to solve anything. it will just mean that all of those 'christians' that hurt me and my friends will get away with what they did, and that is really not okay with me. after many conversations with a number of people, i've decided that i need to do something about this, and i'm not going to be able to change anything if i avoid the problem. so i'm going to try to get back into the church thing. i'm sure this isn't going to be easy for me, but i'm going to try because i'm tired of church being the way it is. i'm tired of many other 'christians' making me look like a heartless asshole. we'll see how it goes...

i LOVE To Kill a Mockingbird... i read this part this morning, and since i'm super early to computer lab, i thought i'd share it with all of you... to give you a little background, the person talking (Atticus Finch) is the father of the two main characters and he's explaining why he made his son read to the grouchy old woman who lived down the street...

"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do."

i think that's a great explanation of courage. i've been thinking about things like that lately in regards to this country. a few weeks ago in film we watched a documentary about the vietnam war. the director did a great job of portraying this country's attitude that courage requires wielding a gun and winning no matter what. i wish more people thought of courage in the way Atticus Finch does... maybe we'd find some peace...

i've come to two separate but related conclusions in the past two days. first, i've realized that i'm not cut out for life in a capitalist society. i'm too damn lazy. plus, i hate the idea that i'm going to have to spend the rest of my life working. yesterday i passed a man and his (what i assumed to be) daughter playing in a park, and i thought to myself "huh. it's weird that that guy is home in the middle of the day on a monday." and then i thought "that really shouldn't be weird. that's the way it should be. people should be able to spend time with the ones they love rather than sitting behind a desk all day (or whatever they might do for work) making money just so they can survive in this society." then i began wondering how we got to the point where money is so much more important to us than family and friends. how did we begin placing such importance on material wealth? there's nothing about money and prestige that is inherantly valuable, so what made it so valuable to us? i told kate about these thoughts in class last night, so we both decided to create our own countries. mine is called "jesstopia". it is a small island shaped like a hershey kiss of the "locum ocean" (hehehe... yeah, i thought that one up all by myself). her's is called "kathrynia", and it is shaped somewhat like a heart (shocking from her, right?) . we plan to live in our countries and enjoy the company of the people we love rather than working our asses off to reach some unattainable goal. if anyone else feels like they're not cut out for capitalism, come join us. there will always be room for other "pinko commie bastards" (in the words of dr. schaffer).

the second realization is a little more shallow, but equally important. school should end the instant the weather starts being nice. it's soooooo difficult to get anything accomplished when the sun is shining and birds are chirping. i realize that not everyone enjoys sunshine as much as i do, but they should... and they will.

ok, so i know i said i had two realizations, but i just remembered another one that i had while driving earlier today: life is beautiful. the people in my life are beautiful. and i am a happy girl.

i think i need therapy.

i can't understand why i allow myself to get so stressed out that it makes me physically ill. the things going on in my life right now aren't even that stressful. i don't understand myself, and i think i need counseling. i really hate this aspect of myself. it seems so weak to me to respond to situations this way, and those who know me know how much i dislike being weak. so today i decided i was going to choose to think positively, and not worry about things that i have no control over. i was going to enjoy life for what it is. i did fairly well, but still found myself worrying and stressing from time to time. i never realized how much of a control freak i am until lately. i don't know if i've changed or if i've simply begun to notice this part of my personality. either way, i don't like it. i want to enjoy every minute of my life-- even the unknown (which is my least favorite aspect of life right now). i want to see the unknown as something exciting, not terrifying. i want to lose my fear of falling...

the best things in life are always unexpected...

"and it's 1:45, and I'm feeling alive..."

i love sunday nights. last night at dinner, kate and i decided that after going to see a film on campus we were going to bake a pound cake. and bake we did. we are officially the coolest people in the world. who else starts baking a cake at 9pm on a whim? shortly after we began baking, mr. sparky evergreen showed up at the apartment and immediately began creating ridiculous phrases with our letter magnets. the kid sat there in front of the fridge for close to an hour. that is dedication, my friends. or possibly insanity. of course, while he was doing this, kate and i were lying on the floor giggling. so i guess we're just as crazy as he is.

when we were finally able to tear ryan away from the refrigerator, we watched a couple episodes of six feet under and devoured the delicious pound cake- which, by the way, was topped with cherry pie filling, chocolate syrup and cool whip... well, at least mine and kate's were... ryan's was plain. how boring.

at one point, while ryan was working on his sentences, kate was cleaning up, the cake was baking, and the trainspotting soundtrack was playing in the background, i was lying on the floor thinking to myself how great my life is. at that moment, i was exceedingly happy and content. i couldn't have possibly asked for better friends. i can't express how blessed i am to have those two in my life. they've become my family, and i honestly don't know what i'd do without them. i feel home when i'm with them, and that my friends, is a wonderful feeling.

in an effort to avoid doing work i stole a survey from katie...

1. What time did you get up this morning? 9:30

2. Diamonds or pearls? diamonds. they're shiny.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? meet the fockers... haha... good times!

4. What is your favorite TV show? gilmore girls!!!! go 'head... make jokes. i can be a girl sometimes.

5. What did you have for breakfast? granola bar and green tea... mmmmm

6. What foods do you dislike? meat of any kind, sweet pickles, olives, spinach, lima beans

7. What is your favorite chip flavor? salt and vinegar is a favorite. sour cream and onion might be a little more favorite though.

8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? the used "in love and death"

9. What kind of car do you drive? a cute little green civic

10. Favorite sandwich? tuna melt on a pretzel bun from isaac's. mmmm!!!

11. What characteristics do you despise? close-mindedness, arrogance, dishonesty...

12. Favorite item of clothing? my bloomsburg university sweatshirt... soooo comfy!

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? ireland

14. What color is your bathroom? white and boring.

15. Favorite brand of clothing? brands? i'm too poor for brands!

16. Where would you retire to? wherever the important people in my life are at the time

17. Favorite time of day? any time kate and i are laughing on the floor and ryan is giving us peculiar looks.

18. Ears pierced or not? yep.

19. Favorite sport to watch? baseball... but only when the yankess are in the world series.

20. What fabric detergent do you use? tide... mama says it's the best.

21. Are you a morning person or night owl? night owl like whoa... especially lately

22. What is your shoe size? 6. i have teeny feet.

23. Do you have any pets? my goofy springer spaniel, maggie, and our puffy beta fish, renton

25. Favorite holiday? i HEART st. patrick's day to the mizzax. it's my holiday for romance.

When Irish eyes are smiling,
Tis like a morn in spring.
With a lilt of Irish laughter
You can hear the angels sing
When Irish hearts are happy
All the world is bright and gay
When Irish eyes are smiling
Sure, they steal your heart away

happy st. patrick's day! i hope everyone's holiday begins as well as mine did...

forgive me... this post is very girly for me, but it's too cute... i couldn't resist...

**How to Love A Girl**
Play with her hair. Talk to her in movie theatres. Pick her up and pretend you’re going to throw her in the river; shell scream and fight you but secretly, she’ll love it. Hold her hand and skip. Hold her hand and run. Just hold her hand. Pick flowers from other peoples gardens and give them to her. Tell her she looks pretty. Let her pay for stuff IF she wants to. Introduce her to your friends as “The coolest girl I know”. Sit in the park and talk to her. Take her to the library, and playgrounds, and train stations. Tell her dirty jokes. Tell her stupid jokes. Write poems about her. Just walk around with her. Throw pebbles at her window at night. When she starts yelling at you, tell her you love her. Take her to shows of bands she’s never heard of. Hold her hand in the mosh pit. Let her fall asleep in your arms. Call her. Call her back if she calls you. Sing to her, no matter how bad you are. Carve your names into a tree. Get her mad, then kiss her. Give her piggy-back rides. Give her space if she needs it. Push her on swings. Stay up with her all night when she’s sick. Make up pet names for her, but cool ones, not sappy ones. Teach her guitar. Lend her your cds. Make her mixtapes. Write her letters. If she asks you to go to a show with her, go, even if it means a 5 hour train trip. Take her to cool shops, and let her take you to even cooler ones. Listen to all the bands she mentions. Don’t tell her that her favorite bands suck. When she’s sad, hang out with her or stay on the phone with her, even if she’s not saying anything. Let her take all the photos of you she wants. Look into her eyes. Kiss her in the rain.

i miss my katie and my ryan. i can't wait to get back to lancaster... i'm losing my mind...

all i can say i shouldn't say
can we take a ride?
get out of this place while we still have time
you want to take a ride?
get out of this place while we still have time
we still have time...


5 more days...

"The whole idea of everybody wanting to be somebody new was an important insight in terms of liking God. God was selling something I wanted. Still, God was in the same boat as the guy selling the knives and Juliet promising to make Romeo new. Everybody exaggerates when they are selling something. Everybody says their product works like magic. At the time I understood God's offer as a magical proposition, which it is. But most magical propositions are just tricks. The older you get, the harder it is to believe in magic. The older you get, the more you understand there is no Wizard of Oz, just a schmuck behind a curtain. I pictured my pastor as a salesman or a magician, trying to trick the congregation into believing Jesus could make us new. And, honestly, I felt as though he was trying to convince himself, as though he only half believed what he was saying. It's not that Christian spirituality seemed like a complete con, it's just that it had some of those elements.
The message, however, was appealing to me. God said he would make me new. I can't pretend for a seond I didn't want to be made new, that I didn't want to start again. I did"

*from Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller... great book...

ok, i haven't even been home for 12 hours, and i already miss lancaster and those who live there... or in the vicinity. i'm having some serious doubts about living here for the summer. i don't think i can do it. my mother and i went to wal mart today (if you want to see what people are like around here, go to wal mart) and i was dumbfounded by the clientele. it hasn't been that long since i've been home, but evidently long enough for me to forget what people are really like around here. i can't take it. if i have to live here for three months, i will surely go insane. on top of that, there are people in the southern part of the state whom i don't think i could live without for three whole months...