The Art of Breathing

Sometimes waiting for answers makes be feel like I can't breathe.

This week I've had difficulty breathing, both literally & figuratively. Davyd caught a cold somehow (what is the deal with summer colds?!?!), and of course, then Matt & I caught it as well. Let's face it, neither of us has much of an immune system at the moment. We are a pregnant woman & a man with an auto-immune disease. We are sitting ducks. 

I, obviously hate being sick, but I'm even more cranky about it when I'm also pregnant. I mean really, as if growing a human inside my body isn't difficult enough-- we have to add a cold to the mix? What makes me even more cranky is not being home when I'm sick. We are in Ohio this week, partially on business for Matt & partially to visit some family (it has been quite a whirlwind of a week. My husband often resembles a tornado to me, but it's especially twirly when he's working so hard). So we've been staying in a hotel, which does not have my comforts that I count on when I'm sick, and this has made me grouchy. However, one thing that has been enjoyable is the fact that I don't have have any laundry to do or anything to clean or straighten. This has given me the opportunity to read while my son sleeps. On Wednesday, I read 3 different works on worry. I know this is not a coincidence, because I was having an exceptionally hard time breathing on Wednesday (again, literally & figuratively). I was so focused on not having the answer that I've been craving, I was finding it nearly impossible to breathe. 

I've been waiting for an answer about a potentially exciting change, but as I've been waiting, I've allowed myself to worry so much that the excitement has worn off. 

So on Wednesday, I decided to exhale. I was challenged to stop worrying & talk to God about it instead (a novel idea, I know). Doing this has always proven helpful in the past, but for some reason, I'm constantly re-learning this lesson: I can do nothing about it, so talking to myself (worrying) about it is useless. God can (and will) do something about it, so He is the one I should talk to. 

Breathing has become easier since Wednesday, as long as I remember to exhale. 

"He's not going to sleep in our bed" & Other Words I've Eaten Since Becoming a Mom

I wrote the following draft of a post this past winter.  I'm not sure why I never got around to finishing or posting it before, but I figured I might as well share it now, even in it's unfinished state.  Enjoy! ;)

I'm certainly not an expert on this parenting thing, but one thing I can tell you with certainty is that things will usually not go as you expected. 

Davyd has been sick this week, & in an effort to get some sleep (and maintain the shreds of sanity we have left at this point) we've been letting him sleep with us. If you would have told me a year ago that I'd be letting my baby boy sleep in bed with us, I'd have told you you were crazy. I likely would have said something to the effect of, "My dear husband has no sense of what he's doing in his sleep", & then I'd recount the story of how he once attempted to squeeze our dog's stomach in an effort to get her to... well... relieve herself (this is a wonderful story... I'm happy to share it if anyone is interested). I would then reiterate that it wouldn't be safe for our tiny baby to be in bed with us, & I really would believe it. 

Fast forward to last Thurdsday night when the boy was only staying asleep in his crib for 15 minute increments. At that point I was willing to sleep anywhere (couch, floor, bathtub, whatever) if it meant we would all get some sleep. 

I will add that I still haven't totally regretted this decision. Although, I imagine I will at some point-- when my son is 5 and still wants to sleep in our bed.  For now, I'm enjoying getting whatever bits of sleep I can get when Davyd is sick.  It's not ideal by any means, but at least I'm not spending most of the night bent over his crib trying to get him to sleep, which has become increasingly difficult as my pregnant belly continues to grow.  (Sixteen months apart.  These boys are going to be sixteen months apart.  As I've said before, prayers and wine are always appreciated.)

The moral of this post is this: parenting is something no one is ever fully prepared for.  By nature, it's something that you must learn as you go.  One thing I've learned in the past year is the importance of giving myself grace as I navigate the best ways to care for my son.  This is something every mom needs  from herself and from those around her.  I'm thankful that I have so many mom-friends who are willing to pour out grace and share stories of their own triumphs and failures.  I wish more moms would be like them. 

Summa' Time (and God's grace)!

The time that I've been counting down to has finally arrived-- in a whirlwind, I might add.  School was out on the 10th, Davyd's first birthday party was on the 13th, the Bellis-Hughes-White-Prekop family day was on the 14th, and we left for the beach on the 15th.  So much fun, so little sleep! But summer has finally arrived, and with it, the opportunity to begin writing again.  

I've been inspired by some mom-authors that I've been introduced to lately.  I read the majority of Lisa-Jo Baker's book, Surprised by Motherhood on the beach last week.  I don't know how else to describe this book other than "a warm hug".  It was so encouraging to read about another mom who has insecurities and doubts about her ability to be a mom.  I've never considered myself to be very maternal, but after reading this book, and others like it, I'm reminded that being a mom doesn't have to mean having the cleanest, most organized house, or the perfect dinners on the table precisely when my husband walks through the door (let's face it, my husband is the cook.  He merely tolerates what I make because he's desperate and let's not forget the fact that I never had any desire to do these things).  Being a mom is about so much more than outward appearances.  I'm learning this more and more as I parent a wild little man, who is always dirty, hates being cleaned up, and LOVES to throw anything and everything he can get his hands on.  I'm also beginning to wrap my brain around the fact that I'm going to have ANOTHER one of them in October, and my life is going to be filled with dirt, bugs, and naked butts all over the house (Davyd loves to be naked… it really must be innate in boys.  We've already had the "keep it in your pants" conversation-- the one appropriate for 1 year olds.  The other one will come later.  We're already practicing it).  My son has stretched me in many ways since he came into existence.  I've been given the ability to do things I never would have dreamed I'd be able to do in the past. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, I just didn't know that I'd be able to handle it.  

That's the beauty of God's grace.  Tonight, I read the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 (does it bother anyone else out there that women and children weren't counted?) to Davyd, and I was reminded of the ways that God works in and through us.  The little boy with the five loaves of bread and two fish might have realized that there was no way that could have fed all of those people, but he offered it anyway.  And Jesus took what little he offered and multiplied it to feed all of the people there, and still have leftovers.  I like to think that's what God is doing with my parenting skills.  I don't know how to raise boys.  I'm an only child, and a girl.  I don't understand the desire to eat gross things, tear bugs apart, or wrestle at every opportunity.  I like my personal space, and I like my sleep.  I've lost both of these things in the past year (and nine months… let's be honest, growing a person inside of you is the ultimate loss of personal space), but I have gained so much.  I have been given the chance to get a glimpse of the way that God loves me.  Having the experience of loving Davyd despite his tempter tantrums and waking up way too many times during the night has made God's love for me more real.  To think that God loves me, even more than I love my son, despite my disobedience and lack of faith is truly humbling and awe-inspiring.  Knowing this is the way God loves me makes it that much easier to give Him what little I have in the way of my ability to be a good mom and trust that He will continue to turn that little into much, and even leave some leftovers.  I'm thankful I don't have to do this on my own.  

Bathroom Napping, or How I Maintained My Sanity Today

For one reason or another, Davyd was particularly fussy today. Normally the child loves to sleep, & falls asleep quickly & easily at naptime & bedtime, but today naps have not come easily. I held him for the duration of his morning nap. After several failed attempts to lull him to sleep & then gently place him in his swing, which ended in screaming, I finally gave up & held him for 2 hours. Don't get me wrong, I love snuggling with this little guy, but I had things to do this morning (that still aren't done)! After his early afternoon meal, I decided it was about time I took a shower. Davyd appeared to be in good spirits, so I tucked him into his car seat & high-tailed it to the shower. He laid there contentedly playing with his hands and looking at his car seat toy for several minutes. This pleasant interlude ended at the exact moment that I began lathering the shampoo into my frizzled, overly hair-sprayed hair (hair spray is a life-saver when frequent shampoos are simply not an option). I quickly rinsed my hands, hopped out of the shower, and attempted to return Davyd's pacifier to his mouth without getting water all over him. I failed. The only option at that point was to endure the crying while rapidly rinsing the shampoo from my hair and drying off. I was then able to calm the very unhappy little man, and coax him to sleep between applications of various hair products. After completing my grooming routine, I looked at the beautiful, sleeping child & realized that the last thing I wanted to do on this earth was wake him up. I had a choice: move him & risk a repeat of the morning or leave him in the bathroom for the rest of his nap. The latter option won, so there he stayed for the remainder of his nap. For a moment, I felt slightly guilty for leaving my baby boy in the bathroom to sleep, but then I listened to the luxurious sound of silence throughout the house, and decided that my decision to leave him there was really the best thing for all of us. Motherhood requires a kind of creativity that I had not expected. Live and learn, & then leave your child wherever he will sleep (as long as he's safe). 

Lessons in Mommyhood: Two Outings is Too Many

Today I finally got to church for the first time since Davyd was born.  Our morning went very smoothly.  We even got out of the house with time to spare.  We arrived at church and were greeted by many friends who ogled over our little man. Davyd was wonderful at church.  He slept most of the time, got up once to eat, and then promptly fell asleep again. On the way home from church, Matt and I engaged in the typical "What on earth are we going to eat today?" conversation.  We finally decided to use one of the gift cards that we got when Davyd was born to go out for dinner.

This is the decision that caused the evening to spiral into a whirlwind of crying, eating, fighting sleep, more crying, and more eating.  It was very clear to us that Davyd was overly tired (Yes, my mother warned me to be careful not to let him get overly tired.  "It'll make for an unpleasant day", she said. Well Ma, you are right as usual). Finally after several conversations in which Matt and I attempted to figure out what to do (which sometimes consisted simply of confused, frustrated stares), our dear little screaming child fell asleep on his father's chest on his own.

*Cue Hallelujah Chorus*

Minutes later, Matt and I had this conversation:

Matt: (whispering) I think I'm going to put him in his swing.

Me: (also whispering) If you do, and he wakes up and starts crying, I'm going to go outside, get into the car, and drive.  I'm not sure when I'll stop.  I imagine that I will, but I don't know when.

Matt: I'll keep holding him.

He's still sleeping on Matt's chest.  Davyd has a wonderful father. I have a wonderful husband.

<3>

Eating and sleeping, sleeping and eating.

It appears as though our dear little boy is going through a growth spurt.  Over the past two days he has wanted to do nothing other than eat and cuddle, and while I thoroughly enjoy cuddling with my precious boy, I've had little opportunity to do anything else, including taking a shower (Too much information?  Forgive me.  This, I have learned, is the life of a mother).  It is, however, very reassuring to know that my boy is growing.  I have a feeling that in a short amount of time, I will no longer be concerned about his growth.  He is, after all, a Bellis.  (For those who don't know, my husband is 6'4" and broad.  Yes, broad.).  Davyd is now beginning to fit into his 0-3 months clothing, which is so much fun, because he has received many adorable outfits from friends and family.  It seems finding outfits to fit him is going to be a challenge.  He is currently wearing 0-3 month onesies and shirts, newborn pants, and 6-9 month socks.  (The boy has enormous feet.  Perhaps he will be a swimmer.)  The challenge with this is that most baby clothes are sold as a group, which means I may be found in the corner of the baby clothing store, "mixing and matching" sizes. ;) To all the moms out there, where are the best places to mix and match without angering store staff? Are there many places that sell separates?  Most of the clothing we have has been purchased by friends and family, so I'm still a little clueless about shopping for this little guy.
At the moment, Davyd is sleeping peacefully.  So I suppose I really should be doing something other than blogging.  Something like brushing my teeth or changing out of my pajamas for once.  Here's hoping he sleeps for a few more minutes!

Welcome to the world, Davyd Atticus

I've recently been reading blogs written by other moms & it has inspired me to start writing again. We shall see how long this lasts.

Six weeks ago today, we welcomed our dear little boy, Davyd Atticus into the world. We had invisioned the type of birthing experience seen on TV & movies to some extent- complete with screaming obscenities & other nonsense. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on one's perspective), that didn't happen. I spent a good part of 6 months contemplating the natural child birth aids I would utilize as I attempted to move this child from one environment to the other. However, all of the reading & worrying I did was useless. (The worrying always is. Maybe I'll learn someday). Labor started in the wee hours of Thursday morning and then progressed & regressed throughout the day. 

 Finally, after many hours of sitting on my (slightly deflated) exercise ball, we decided to head to the hospital. One thing I did not anticipate was the discomfort of a car ride while in labor. Not fun. Of course, the worst was yet to come. We got settled into triage, & after about an hour, my midwife came in to check on us & mentioned a slight concern she had about Davyd's heart rate during contractions. Naturally, we were somewhat concerned, but since Cheri (our midwife) didn't seem too concerned, we didn't worry too much. 

Eventually we were moved to a labor & delivery room, & shortly thereafter, were introduced to Dr. Eichenlaub, who voiced more concerns about Davyd's heart rate. He explained that we may have to do a c-section, but he didn't want to "jump the gun", so he would be monitoring us closely. In the event that a c-section was necessary, he wanted to make the call soon enough so that it didn't become an emergency & Matt could have time to "scrub in" to be in the operating room. After that conversation I had several contractions in which Davyd's heart rate remained high, so our nurse left the room for a moment. As she did, I began having another contraction. The next thing I knew, Matt was frantically pushing the call button & running out of the room to get the nurse. Within seconds, which seemed like an eternity, Matt, our nurse, Dr. Eichenlaub, & several other people entered the room. Davyd's heart rate wasn't coming back up despite changing positions, so Dr. Eichenlaub decided we needed to do an emergency c-section. This is where things get even more blurry. The vision I have of this memory includes bright lights, a stark white ceiling, & an emergency code (which I knew was for me) being played overhead. Within seconds I was in the operating room, unaware of where my husband was (or how he was), & climbing onto the operating table (apparently when the nurse says, "We'll need you to move to the operating table" she doesn't necessarily mean for you to move yourself, but it saves time). 

 People have asked me how I was feeling during all of this, but it's hard to say. Things were moving so quickly, I didn't have time to think about how I was feeling. I just knew they needed to get my son out, so I was doing everything I thought I should to make that happen more quickly. 

Not long after getting onto the table, I was being put under. The anesthesiologist explained that I'd feel a lot of pressure on my throat. It was more than I felt was normal, so to convey my concern I said, "Oh boy" & with that was blissfully unconscious. The next memory I have is the image of a nurse, lights & my husband staring at me & saying things I couldn't comprehend. (Yes, the lights were talking too). Apparently I had come out of the anesthesia much earlier, but I have no recollection of that whatsoever. 

Finally, they moved me to the "couplet care" room where I saw my parents (whom, I'm sure were out of their minds with worry), and waited while Matt went to get Davyd from the nursery. 

I will never forget the sight of him wheeling that weird crib thing into the room with this tiny little baby that was all ours. I was still a little fuzzy as Matt handed him to me, & I was somewhat concerned that I wasn't quite yet fit to be holding him. It was a great feeling to have my son in my arms, but due to the drugs I was on, was less emotional than I had anticipated. Maybe I shouldn't say less emotional, but emotional in a different way than I had expected. I felt so relieved that I had my little boy & he was healthy & unscathed from his traumatic entrance into this world. I was also still so foggy from anesthesia, I don't think I fully realized that this child in my arms was mine. I mean, I knew he was mine, but the weight of that fact didn't hit until the anesthesia wore off completely.

Our lives have been completely altered by this little one's existence. I am now able to function on less than 4 hours of sleep, which is something I have never been able to do. Motherhood has stretched me in ways I never realized it would (despite being warned by friends... it's something each woman has to experience on her own). It has been a beautiful, exhausting, invigorating, frustrating, and exciting experience- one for which I could not be more grateful.

<3

As usual, I've been struggling to trust that God is in control of our circumstances. The past few months have delivered challenge after challenge... opportunity to trust after opportunity to trust...

This week, Matt's car died, and at the present time, we don't have the money to fix it. So I've found myself in the position to trust that God has an answer to our needs. And I've failed miserably. Instead of believing that God knows the bigger picture, that He knows our needs even more than we do, and He knows what is ultimately most important, I quickly work to identify how I can fix it. Thankfully, God has seen to it to bless me with wise parents who are able to take what they've learned in their lives to encourage me. (Realizing God's sovereignty in giving me the parents that He did brings me to tears. I am so blessed.) While they were visiting this weekend, they gently reminded me of the fact that God promises that he will never leave me or forsake me... He will never leave us or forsake us. This promise is from Hebrews 13:5... which actually says, "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,

'Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.' '

What a relief it is to know that God knows our struggles, He knows our needs, and He knows the solution. He is the solution. Today i picked up a book by Max Lucado called, He Chose the Nails. In a chapter entitled "I Understand Your Pain", Max recounts Christ's death on the cross and provides insight into why He chose to do what he did. I love this part:

"Explore this thought with me for just a moment. Why did Jesus live on the earth as long as he did? Couldn't his life have been much shorter? Why not step into our world just long enough to die for our sins and then leave? Why not a sinless year or week? Why did he have to live a life? To take on our sins is one thing, but to take on our sunburns, our sore throats? To experience death, yes-- but to put up with life? To put up with long roads, long days, and short tempers? Why did he do it?
Because he wants you to trust him.
Even his final act on earth was intended to win your trust."

Max talks about Jesus' thirst, and his initial refusal to drink wine with myrrh. The thing is, myrrh contains a sedative that numbs the senses. So Jesus chose to feel the full force of his suffering instead of taking the wine that would lessen his pain. Why on earth would he do this? Because He knew we would feel pain too. Here's more from the chapter:

"He knew you would be weary, disturbed, and angry. He knew you'd be sleepy, grief-stricken, and hungry. He knew you'd face pain. If not the pain of the body, the pain of the soul... pain too sharp for any drug. He knew you'd face thirst. If not a thirst for water, at least a thirst for truth, and the truth we glean from the image of a thirsty Christ is-- he understands."

He understands, and that's enough. I can't get the words to "Everything" by Lifehouse out of my head...


Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

♥

i've been finding myself longing for new things lately, namely a new home. sometimes i even begin to feel sorry for myself that money is tight and we haven't been able to buy a house yet, but today i talked to a 14 year old girl who doesn't eat breakfast in the morning because there simply isn't enough food at her house. from outward appearances, one would never guess that she and her younger sister sometimes go hungry. she looks like a typical 14 year old. the difference with her and others is that her father is disabled, and the food stamps that the family receives every month because of his disability simply don't provide enough food for the family.

as she told her story, i began to feel incredibly embarrassed. i've always had a kitchen full of food (even though i sometimes open the pantry and and report to matt that "there's no food in this house"), a warm place to live, and more importantly, wonderful people to share these blessings with, but i often take these blessings for granted. i should spend my time being overwhelmingly thankful for what i have, and not even give thought to what i don't have.

on that note, i couldn't be more thankful for God's patience with me...

just found this post i wrote a couple years ago... thought it was fitting for how i'm feeling tonight.

T-R-U-S-T

this word has come up a lot lately. actually, it has come up a lot throughout my life, and yet i am no closer to mastering the concept now than i was years ago.

trust has never come naturally to me, as i'm sure it probably doesn't to many people, but in looking back on my life i can see that my ability to trust has diminished as time has passed. at first glance, this might seem like a natural chain of events... the more a person is disappointed by others, the less able he or she will be to trust. it is true that i've been disappointed and hurt by some people in my life, so perhaps it's logical for me to not trust those individuals anymore. however, it isn't logical for me to mistrust other people who have never given me a reason to believe that they're not trustworthy. what's even more illogical is for me to mistrust God. he has never given me a reason not to trust him, but has given me every reason to trust him. not only did he die on a cross so that i could spend eternity with him (pretty sure if someone does that, he's trustworthy), but he's protected me from a great deal of pain... even though i chose to get myself into painful situations. the thing is, no matter how stupid i am, no matter how incredibly poor the choices i make are, God wants to give me good things. this is a concept that i can't seem to grasp, probably because it seems totally illogical. why would God want to give someone like me--someone who is selfish, impatient, untrusting (etc, etc)-- good things?!? in wordly terms that doesn't make sense. but that's the beauty of who God is. he's not of this world, and therefore does things differently. in this world, we get rewarded when we perform well. but God desires to bless us even though we continually screw up. yes, you read that correctly... he desires to bless us. he wants us to experience all that he has for us (ie., what's best for us). so why is it so difficult to trust him? probably because sometimes what's best for us happens in a painful manner. sometimes in order to learn, God allows us to be hurt, and sometimes we get hurt just because this world isn't perfect. there's risk involved with trust. but another beautiful thing about God is that he knows what that risk is like. when Jesus was on this earth, he experienced that risk. he knows exactly how it feels.

the creator of the universe knows exactly how i feel at this very moment...


what an incredible thought.

so apparently i meet a guy, and quit writing. on that note, i'm getting married in about four weeks, and that has me thinking about many things... mostly how immensely blessed i am. matt is more than i've ever dreamed of in a husband. he is kind, funny, compassionate, loyal, generous... the list could go on and on, but i think you get the idea. i've also been blessed with some amazing friends who have become, or are becoming like family to matt and i. some of these friends are part of our life group at LCBC, which is another blessing (if you live in lancaster county, and haven't found a church, be sure to check it out). being part of LCBC, and especially part of a life group, has really gotten me thinking about what it means to live in community. i've realized that i have this desire deep within to be part of something bigger, to live life in connection with the people God has placed in my life. i've realized that i've been neglecting this desire for a while because i've been busy with work or some other thing that comes up, but i'm determined to make this a priority in my life once again. God created us to live in community, and i intend to do so. this shouldn't be too hard... i have some great people to do life with... <3

thank you, Lord...

for all my beautiful friends...

for laughter...

for sunshine...

for answers...

and questions...

for new...

and for old...

for what has been...

and what is yet to come...





love to all...

i have no words tonight, but this song adequately mirrors my thoughts for the moment...

I've been putting on and putting off too many people
And I'm getting old to live
like an injured man, ailments and unfilled prescriptions,
like the nose on my face
Like a broken boat, a safety raft, and a love for the water
Well I just can't decide
To sink or swim, it's me or them,
Should I save myself
or go back for the others

Because maybe there's no gray and I was wrong to tell 'em so
And then maybe all that I've to do was done a long time ago

Because there was life before my life
There was provision before my need
There was redemption before my sin
For the sake of the world I thank the Lord
That the truth's not contingent on me

Because I've been dressing up and dressing down for too many people
And I'm a little young to live
Like a troubled boy, a troubled soul, a fish out of water
Because we're all just the same
We're all just as good, and just as bad, and just as distracted
By the corners of our eyes
As our fathers were, and theirs before and all those before them,
And still I glance around

And with the way I stare you'd think I'd seen through a two-by-four
And with the way I walk you'd think I'd never seen grace before

Because there was life before my life
There was provision before my need
There was redemption before my sin
For the sake of the world I thank the Lord
That the truth's not contingent on me

But I've been putting up, putting down too many things
That I know nothing about,
but I'm jealous of, holding pride as tight as I can
like she was my only daughter

Because there was life before my life
There was provision before my need
There was redemption before my sin
For the sake of the world I thank the Lord
That the truth's not contingent on me

'Cause the truth's not contingent on me.

-Caedmon's Call "The Truth"

the past few weeks have been trying, for many reasons... of which i won't bore you now. but today i've begun to feel hopeful. it was a day of pleasant surprises... a smile at church... the laughter of friendship... the quiet that only snow brings. i have very many reasons to be thankful, and just as many reasons to be hopeful. life is uncertain, and that's what makes it beautiful.



love to all...

life is beautiful. i am blessed beyond measure. God is so good.




love to all...

more from The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus...

"From our brother Jesus, who alone knows the Father, we learn that there is welcoming love, unconditional acceptance, a relentless and eternal affection that so far exceeds our human experience that even the passion and death of Jesus are only a hint of it. Think about that for a moment: the torn, broken, lacerated, spit-covered, blood-drenched body of Jesus is only a hint of the Father's love. The very substance of our faith is the unwavering confidence that beyond this hint lies love beyond measure."

i'm reading this wonderful book called The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus, by Brennan Manning. in the chapter i just finished, mr. manning was talking about being abandoned to God's will, and thanking Him for everything... even the most difficult things in life. he says that in doing this, we'll hear God say something like this:

"My child, fan the flame of your confidence in Me. Keep it burning. I want you to be happy, to come back again and again to this feeling of trust until you are never without it. Trust is an aspect of love. If you love Me and believe in My love for you, you will surrender your whole self into My hands like a little child who doesn't even ask, 'Where are you taking me?' but sets off joyously, hand in hand with his mother. How many blessings this happy confidence wins for you, My little one.
Keep going blindly. Take delight in knowing nothing about the future. I know how to lead the blind by the best paths. And when this blind person knows that he is My son, she is My daughter, won't they be glad of their infirmity; since it has power over My heart? In all this see My tenderness. It is everlasting."


how beautiful...

i have amazing friends... old and new...


i am SO blessed!

so tired!

this week has already been exhausting, and it's only tuesday.

9:15 isn't too early to go to bed, is it?

a little something from the daily bread...

"He looks on us and sees the voids and imperfections in our lives, yet lovingly and patiently does His work in us to make us His masterpiece-- a masterpiece that 'conforms to the image of His Son' (Romans 8:29).
What a joy it is to have such a God, who makes us new and never tires of investing His energy and effort into our lives!" -Bill Crowder





love to all...

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.

-Proverbs 3:5-10 (The Message)

i spent much of today in silence, or at least as close to silence as possible. right now all i can hear is my upstairs neighbor's dryer ( i assume) and the friendly crickets outside.

there's quite a bit going on in my life right now, and this morning i just felt God tell me that i needed to be still and listen for Him. i get so distracted by the "noise" of every day life that sometimes i can't even hear myself think, let alone hear God speak. so today instead of filling the emptiness of my apartment with music or tv, i decided to let God fill it with whatever He wanted me to hear from Him. i have to tell you that i heard a lot. nothing is resolved, but i'm at peace (for the most part, anyway. i'd be lying if i told you that there weren't moments today when i felt the need to escape my own skin). as frustrating as everything that's going on is, i think it's good. i think it's really good...


"be still and know that I am God..." (psalm 46:10)


"for the Lord God is our sun and our shield.
He gives us grace and glory.
the Lord will withhold no good thing
from those who do what is right." (psalm 84:11)


"'for I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (jeremiah 29:11)

and finally...

"meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. if we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves... and keeps us present before God. that's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." (romans 8:26-28 --the message)


love to all...

the plight of the only child...

sometimes i get a little bummed out that i don't have siblings. i feel like i'm missing out on things that people who have siblings get, like intimate relationships that are life-long, and (for the most part) unconditional. but i was reminded this weekend that God has blessed me with "siblings". i may not have grown up in the same household as they did, but we have intimate, life-long, unconditional relationships. these friends have been there for me through thick and thin (even at times when we didn't really like each other). not many people are blessed with friends who will stay up late (not to mention get out of bed) when they've had a bad night and just need a hug (and perhaps a huge piece of chocolate cake). i have those kinds of friends.

i am so blessed...

"To say that 'prayer changes things' is not as close to the truth as saying, 'Prayer changes me and then I change things'. God has established things so that prayer, on the basis of redemption, changes the way a person looks at things. Prayer is not a matter of changing things externally, but one of working miracles in a person's inner nature."

-Oswald Chambers

yay! school starts in a week! yay!

a little excerpt from provocative faith...

"Ultimately, we experience lifestyle joy when we become content with who Jesus is. Jesus said, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me' (John 14:6 NLT). Making peace with this statement is a process. Some days I wake up and am completely fine with Jesus being the 'way' or the 'truth' for me. But then there are times when I'm not okay with his way or truth; I want it to be my way or I want to find my own truth. But my rules and my idols and my belief systems only get in the way of Jesus reigning supreme in my life. Joy comes not when we put Jesus first, but when we realize that he's always been first and demands nothing less. We must get ourselves out of the way in order for his purpose of making us like him to transpire.
We will never find our joy in circumstance. We will never find our joy in the 'quickies' culture so often offers. Joy comes to us when we faithfully pursue knowing Jesus more intimately. As you begin to know him more deeply and more passionately, you will see your life becoming more peaceful, more content. You won't be 'happy all the time', but your joy will be a lifestyle and not just a passing feeling."

good stuff, mr. turner, good stuff.

T-R-U-S-T

this word has come up a lot lately. actually, it has come up a lot throughout my life, and yet i am no closer to mastering the concept now than i was years ago.

trust has never come naturally to me, as i'm sure it probably doesn't to many people, but in looking back on my life i can see that my ability to trust has diminished as time has passed. at first glance, this might seem like a natural chain of events... the more a person is disappointed by others, the less able he or she will be to trust. it is true that i've been disappointed and hurt by some people in my life, so perhaps it's logical for me to not trust those individuals anymore. however, it isn't logical for me to mistrust other people who have never given me a reason to believe that they're not trustworthy. what's even more illogical is for me to mistrust God. he has never given me a reason not to trust him, but has given me every reason to trust him. not only did he die on a cross so that i could spend eternity with him (pretty sure if someone does that, he's trustworthy), but he's protected me from a great deal of pain... even though i chose to get myself into painful situations. the thing is, no matter how stupid i am, no matter how incredibly poor the choices i make are, God wants to give me good things. this is a concept that i can't seem to grasp, probably because it seems totally illogical. why would God want to give someone like me--someone who is selfish, impatient, untrusting (etc, etc)-- good things?!? in wordly terms that doesn't make sense. but that's the beauty of who God is. he's not of this world, and therefore does things differently. in this world, we get rewarded when we perform well. but God desires to bless us even though we continually screw up. yes, you read that correctly... he desires to bless us. he wants us to experience all that he has for us (ie., what's best for us). so why is it so difficult to trust him? probably because sometimes what's best for us happens in a painful manner. sometimes in order to learn, God allows us to be hurt, and sometimes we get hurt just because this world isn't perfect. there's risk involved with trust. but another beautiful thing about God is that he knows what that risk is like. when Jesus was on this earth, he experienced that risk. he knows exactly how it feels.

the creator of the universe knows exactly how i feel at this very moment...


what an incredible thought.



love to all...

happy 4th of july!!!

katie's bridal shower was this weekend! it was such fun (and to be honest, i don't usually like girly things like that, so you know it was lovely)! this is probably my favorite picture... the HUGE bow on her butt cracked me up (as you can probably tell from the ridiculous look on my face)...




and now for a more normal picture of me and miss katie...




(thanks to miss laura for taking such fun pictures!)



love to all...

man, it's been a crazy, wonderful couple of weeks!


all i can say is, i'm loving every minute of it...

today i played some music and made a bowl out of plaster. i love that i'm getting 3 credits for this class!!!

in other news, i finally found out that i got the job at fulton! woo! but, i still don't know when i start! i'm getting rather frustrated, but i decided earlier that i was just going to be happy that i have a job. so this is me being happy i have a job...



i hope you're all having a wonderful week!

much love...

here's some goofy pictures from the show tonight...




katie was very excited about the HUGE cookies she brought...




this is laura playing hard to get ;)




and here's me and katie... we're very excited. hehe


good times, kids... good times.

for some reason, i've stumbled upon these verses and others like them several times this week... so i thought i'd share...

"This is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us."
-1 John 5:14

"Whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep his commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight."
-1 John 3:22

"Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him."
-Hebrews 11:6

"We look at this Son and see the God who cannot be seen. We look at this Son and see God's original purpose in everything created. For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels—everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him. He was there before any of it came into existence and holds it all together right up to this moment. And when it comes to the church, he organizes and holds it together, like a head does a body.

He was supreme in the beginning and—leading the resurrection parade—he is supreme in the end. From beginning to end he's there, towering far above everything, everyone. So spacious is he, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross."

-Colossians 1:15-20

well, i'm moved in... for the most part, anyway. i still have loads of stuff to put away and all that junk, but the big stuff is done.

i'm totally excited to be here, but i'm also sad. life is so weird and seemingly unfair sometimes. i know i'm supposed to be in lancaster right now, but the events of the past week have made it incredibly difficult to leave bloomsburg. it's all quite confusing and exciting and frustrating all at the same time.

*sigh* i think i need to go to bed...


much love...

3 days! that's right, 3!


i am really excited, but i'm also starting to get a little nervous. the job thing is still up in the air, which is rather frustrating, but i know it'll all work out somehow. i'm also feeling a little sad about leaving bloomsburg. it's home, ya know? however, it will be nice to be living in a bigger town, where i won't see people i know every day. best of all is that i'll be on my own. that's a good thought. what's comforting is knowing that while i may not live here, bloomsburg will always be home, and there will always be people here who care about me, and whom i care about very much.


love to all...

did you ever have one of those days when you felt uncomfortable in your own skin?

that's me today. i'm nervous, anxious, confused, frustrated, and bored. oh, and we mustn't forget lonely. i have so many things to think about, and quite a bit to do in the next few weeks, but i can't do anything about any of it right now (and for some of it, there's nothing i can do ever). i hate feeling helpless and useless, and (here's the crux of it) out of control. i hate to admit it, but i like being in control of things. i like knowing exactly what's going to happen next, and how i'm going to do it. i hate waiting for things to happen. i hate not knowing what's going to happen. i especially hate not knowing what i even want to happen.

what i'd really like is to be settled. just... settled.

i don't think that's too much to ask.

i know some day i will be, and i'll look back at my life and laugh at myself for being so impatient. unfortunately, that doesn't exactly help me out right now. i wish i could be content. i think i was actually doing pretty well with that for a while, but now that i have nothing to do all day but think, i'm back to being discontented.

i know that someday i'll be settled, but today i just don't feel like it's ever going to happen...




forgive my whining...

love to all...



"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" -Jeremiah 29:11

i like motorcycles.

has it been GORGEOUS this week or what!?!

i've been home (in bloomsburg) since friday afternoon, and so far i've done a great deal of relaxing. it is so wonderful to have a couple weeks off just to relax after a long semester. my days thus far have consisted of getting up around 10, eating breakfast on the porch with mag, working out a little bit, laying around a bit more (haha), and making dinner. i could seriously get used to this (i always say that, but in about a week i'll be saying i'm bored, and i can't wait to get back to work)!

speaking of work... i still haven't heard a definite about going back to the bank. so keep your fingers crossed (and keep your ears peeled for other jobs i might be able to get)!



15 days! woo!


love to all...

i'm so tired.



so tired.

it is SUCH a beautiful day!!!

today is my last day at Catholic Social Services, and i've already finished all my schoolwork (i'm trying my hardest not to think about the research project anymore, cause there's nothing more i can do) so i've been sitting here looking out the window. it's amazing what a little sunshine will do for a dirty city.

speaking of cities and sunshine... i'm moving to lancaster in 23 days! haha... that's not getting old, is it? by the way, if anyone has a burning desire to help me move, i'll let ya. hehe so i've been packing little by little over the past couple weeks, and i am still amazed by how much stuff i have! i think the bulk of it is books, which are not fun to move... they're very heavy, and i'm weak. thank goodness i have my pops to help me with that stuff. i'll have to make him a good dinner or something (see what you would be in for if you came to help... hehe).

well i'm off to do some reading... which may turn into gazing out the window... i hope you're all able to enjoy this BEAUTIFUL day!


much love...

"Love is eternal. The aspect of it may change, but the essence remains the same."
-Vincent van Gogh



just wanted to share that beautiful thought with you...

my goal for the day was to finish writing my research project. it's 1:00pm now, and so far i've written a paragraph. i decided to sit on the porch and do my work, cause it's absolutely beautiful out today, and mag really likes being outside. she and i have successfully watched the world go by for the past 3 hours. i probably should feel guilty, but i don't. tomorrow is mag's 15th birthday, and i'm not too sure how many more days like this she and i will get to enjoy together, so i'm gonna do it while i can. it's amazing how much i love the little pooch. if you knew her, you'd understand.

tomorrow also begins the first day of the month i move back to lancaster, as katie pointed out in an email this morning. i'm so excited! in 26 days, i will officially be a resident of lancaster county once again! woo!

but for now i must concentrate on my research project! prayers would be appreciated! hahaha (seriously.)

love to all...

me+lancaster=



i just had yet another fantastic weekend in lancaster. i cannot express how much i'm looking forward to living there again. *sigh* life is good.

thank heaven for good friends...




love to all...

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

-Matthew 11:28-30

and i've stolen yet another survey from the kateness... she always posts these when i'm totally bored... it's like she knows i need some amusement. :)

[ current clothes ] millersville t-shirt and capris (i'm all millersvilled out today)
[ current mood ] bored and pensive
[ current music ] the cure
[ current pain ] blah
[ current taste ] um... tongue?
[ current hair ] ponytail... which is most likely out of control, as usual
[ current annoyance ] school... especially research... AND all the ignorant people in this bleeping town
[ current blessing ] i'm moving to lancaster next month!!!!
[ current smell ] patchouli incense
[ current amusement ] the conversation i'm having with eric kerr right now
[ current thing I ought to be doing ] painting something (just cause i feel like it)
[ current desktop picture ] one i took of a flower in boulder last summer
[ current book you're reading ] slaughterhouse five
[ current CD in CD player ] the best of fall out boy according to the kateness
[ current movie in DVD player ] first season of friends
[ current color of toenails ] red
[ current worry ] school... future
[ current wish ] if i tell you it won't come true... and believe me... i *really* want this one to come true...

lately i've been trying to write only positive things in the old blog, but today i'm just so frustrated, i can't help but complain.

this research project is driving me nuts!!!! first, i was hoping to get 30 surveys, and i only got 20 (which is really out of my hands, since i can't translate them for clients). now i'm trying to write this outline for the discussion section, which is more of a hassle than anything else. i swear it's impossible to put all the information i have to discuss into an outline. most of the subjects i have to discuss are all throughout the discussion section, so there's no good place to put it in the outline. i first just stuck it somewhere, hoping that my professor would just assume that i'd talk about it throughout the section, where it was relevant, but she did not. she told me not to break it up. now, how do you make an outline without breaking things up? isn't that the point of an outline?!? (i know this is probably not making a lot of sense, but i must get it out anyway) so i just emailed my professor and politely asked her if she could help me out, since what she told me to do didn't make any sense (of course, i didn't say that... even though i really wanted to). we'll see what she says.

*sigh* ok, complaining session complete. i really do have so much to be thankful for. after today, i only have 10 more days of my internship, and after friday, only 10 more days of classes! woo! this means that in less than 6 weeks i'll be finished with my first year of grad school, and in less than 9 weeks, i'll be moving back to lancaster!!! hooray!!!!

oh, and one more thing... it's SPRING!!!

so much school work to do...

so little time...

so many happier things to do (like get ready to move back to lancaster!!!! hehe)...


it's getting to be that time of the semester... when lots and LOTS of things are due... like a HUGEMONGOUS research project (that i have very little motivation to do). unfortunately, all i can seem to think about lately is moving back to lancaster. yesterday i actually spent about 45 minutes drawing a floor plan of my apartment and deciding where i was going to put all my furniture and pictures. yeah, i did. i could have been working on all of the school stuff i have to do, but nope, i drew pictures instead. no one can say i don't have priorities!



i think i'll try to get some work done now... wish me luck!




love to all...

10 weeks til i'm officially a resident of lancaster county again!!!!


i could not be more excited!!!!

great news!!!!


i just got a call from the apartment complex in lancaster...



i got the apartment i wanted!!!! and i can move in on may 26th!!!!! yay!!!!



now all i have to do is schedule classes down there, and wait to see if i can go back to work at fulton (which depends on jon, the guy i used to work with, getting a full time job... so ya'll can pray that that will happen, since it will benefit both of us. see, i'm not being totally selfish... hehe)


i will leave you with these words from Psalm 139:1-10:

"1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."



love to all...

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;


the old has gone,


the new has come!



-2 Corinthians 5:17



}i{

i was in lancaster this weekend for miss abigail's wedding (which was loads of fun... and she was so BEAUTIFUL!!!), and i was reminded once again why i love that county. i was so blessed by the wonderful weather, and even more wonderful friends...


it might not be so hard to leave bloomsburg after all...








(i will miss ceejer and greggy lots, though!!!!!)

the past few days have made me realize that i'm really going to miss bloomsburg... this place will always be home... *sigh* my heart is torn...


nelson mandela once said, "there is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered". this is true, but i must add that returning to such a place can also reveal how you've remained unchanged...







it's gonna be hard to leave...

believe it or not, it's sunny in scranton again. two wednesdays in a row... it's a MIRACLE! hehe

it's amazing how a little sunshine can change my attitude. several little annoyances occurred today, and i responded to them very differently today than i have in the past (for instance, when it's really gloomy outside). like this morning... i was going to the meter to put some more money in when i saw that there was an open spot right in front of the building. so, i thought i'd move my car up, but by the time i got to the spot, someone had already taken it. on a different day i probably would have been frustrated by that, but today i thought to myself, "oh well. i'll get to drive around for a couple blocks listening to the new fall out boy cd and enjoying the sunshine". now i know some of you *cough--mark--cough* will probably think i'm lying about this, but i'm really not. i become very different when the sun is shining. it's like i'm the opposite of a vampire... or something. hahahaha (forgive me... i'm really random today... perhaps also a symptom of the sunshine...)

now if only i could learn to have the same positive attitude no matter what the weather or the circumstances. but growth is a process... and when i struggle i'm able to experience God's grace... what a wonderful thing...

so, i hope that as you're reading this, it's sunny wherever you are...


love to all...

today is beautiful. walking outside this morning without wearing a bulky winter coat was wonderful! it's amazing how a little sunshine can make me feel so good. it is a beautiful reminder that winter doesn't last forever. there is always the hope of spring...


you should feel the sun in spring
comin out after a rain
suddenly all is green
sunshine on everything
i can feel it now
i feel You now
and how could such a thing
shine its light on me
and make everything beautiful
and you should hear the angels sing
all gathered round their king
more beautiful than you could dream
i've been quietly listening
you can hear them now
i hear them now
and how could such a king
shine His light on me
and make everything beautiful
and i want to shine
i want to be light
i want to tell you it'll be alright
and i want to shine and i want to fly
just to tell you now
it'll be alright, it'll be alright


'cause i've got nothing of my own to give to you
but this light that shines on me shines on you
and makes everything beautiful, again
it'll be alright...

-david crowder band "stars"

12 weeks til the end of the semester... 15 til i'm back in lancaster!


woo!!!!

as i do every year, i will now share with you my favorite anti-valentine's card of the year...

love it.

well... it's official...




i'm moving back to lancaster in june (yes, this june)!!!!




woo!!!!!





anyone know of an apartment i can rent?

what is your passion?


last night i started reading the book about Green Day that i bought recently. it's called Nobody Likes You by Marc Spitz. besides being well written, the book is captivating because of the story of these three guys who are so passionate about their music, and the message behind it, that they're willing to sacrifice anything in order to play.

it's no secret that i'm not much of a musician, but it's also no secret that i love music a great deal. a good song can touch my soul (and even change my life) in ways that not much else can. as i was reading the introduction to this book i couldn't help but feel this longing to be a part of something like Green Day. their music and message have touched people's lives in very real and special ways, and i'm jealous of them. i'm jealous of their talent, and i'm jealous of their passion.

i say i'm passionate about a lot of things... like poverty, environmental issues, people (that's pretty vague, eh?)... the list goes on. but when was the last time i really sacrificed anything in order to further these causes that i'm so "passionate" about??? i'm not sure i ever really have. it's time to change that...



love to all...

calmer than the sky
far away so blue
land of Living God
grant your peace on earth
we can feel you move and cannot stay the same
the winds are blowing strong
God of heaven come

breathe peace
breathe your peace on us
so we might breathe you deep
breathe peace
breathe your peace on us
land of the living God

if we are in the way
move us to the side
God forgive our wrongs
rest your hands on us
all the world is yours
let us not forget
it was you who bore the cross
God of comfort breathe
breathe peace...

-Robbie Seay Band "Peace"

i'm bored i'm bored i'm bored i'm bored i'm booooooorrrrrrrred!!!!!!


ok, now that i got that out of my system...


i'm at catholic social services today. i was supposed to have one client today, buuuttttt he didn't show up. this is nothing new for this client, or most others for that matter. it's frustrating, but i shouldn't complain. i did a little reading, and got to chat with some friends for most of the day. the good news is that i won't have to do this kind of thing forever, and while i am doing it, perhaps i'm learning to be more patient (those who know me well are probably thinking, "where's the evidence of that?!?").

on a less whiny note... this past weekend was wonderful. i'm very much looking forward to living in lancaster again. it's always so hard to leave...

i'm also looking forward to this weekend. ceejer and i are gonna have movie night (or "chick night" as she called it today) on friday or saturday. that'll be a good time, as always.


i have such wonderful friends... i'm so blessed...


love to all...



(14 weeks)

I give up, I lay down
Rest my face upon this ground
Lift my eyes to Your sky
Rid my heart of all I hide
So sweet this surrender

How great Your love for us
How great our love for You
That grace could cover us
How great Your love

How marvelous, how brilliantly
Luminous, You shine in me
And who can fail to give You awe
To fear You, God, so sovereign and strong

I’m so bored of little gods
While standing on the edge of
Something large
While standing here, so close to You
We could be consumed

What a glorious day


-David Crowder Band "How Great"

*sigh*





116 days...




on another note... old friends are so wonderful... i've been so blessed by some of mine lately... even in the short time that i spent with them (or just talking to them)... i hope you all know how much i appreciate you...




love to all...

a little thought from our daily bread...

"...we can be at home in any dwelling, for our safekeeping lies not in the place where we live but in God Himself. We can dwell 'in the secret place of the Most High' and 'abide under the shadow of the Almighty' (Psalm 91:1). There, in His presence, under His wings, we find refuge. The eternal God becomes our dwelling place."


perhaps the reason God sometimes allows us to live in places we're not all that fond of is to force us into His presence. often, when we're comfortable we tend to forget about God. i think this is why He allows difficult circumstances. if only we could learn to keep Him first when life is easy...

117 days til the end of the semester!!!!



perhaps soon i'll be able to tell you why that's significant. *crosses fingers*


:)

"Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face"
-Victor Hugo






...which reminds me... i need to see my katie... and sooooooon!!!!

i had a wonderful christmas! i hope you all did as well.

i spent most of the day laying around, making dinner, eating dinner, and laying around some more with my family. i also received wonderful reminders that i have some very special people in my life, whose minds i must have been on at some point during the day (and who are often on mine as well) since i got text messages from them... which completely made my holiday. it's 'little' things such as these that make life worthwhile.



love to all...

it's 4am and i'm wide awake.



and i have to be up in 3 hours.




i've taken longer naps than that.

i read this in the daily bread this morning, and thought it was pretty awesome... so i decided to share...

"Their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more."
-Hebrews 8:12

the author was talking about how pastors and Christians in general emphasize that God says He'll forget our sins. he continued by saying that this isn't always very comforting to people because God can always remember... he is God after all. then the author spoke about a time he heard a pastor say that the verse says God promises to remember no more. it doesn't say he'll forget. it says he chooses not to remember. that is so much more powerful than forgetting. he willingly chooses not to remember so that we can be right with Him.

awesome.

i heart lancaster county.

this weekend was fantastic. i got to spend most of saturday with my buddy, garrett from high school. it was absolutely wonderful to spend time with an old friend... especially one who loves God with all his heart, and cares so deeply about people. there's something so comforting about friends who know you well and with whom you can be honestly yourself. i hope we get to spend more time together soon.

after hanging out with garrett, i went to reading to see the kateness, which was wonderful as always. we spent the evening driving around berks county looking at people's christmas decorations. some were very nice, others were completely ridiculous, and we had a wonderful time making fun of the latter and laughing like idiots. it was great.

on sunday i went to church and saw some people i haven't seen in a while... like jess kerr... the coolest girl in youth group! i miss her so much. after church mark and i went to lunch and then to borders and target. it was an experience, as always.

speaking of missing things... i miss lancaster so much. i absolutely love being there. i'm so much happier when i'm in that county than i am any other time. i can't really put into words how i feel when i'm there. garrett asked me what i love about it, and i didn't really have a good answer. i said it reminds me of bloomsburg in some ways, but it has good aspects of a city. that doesn't nearly describe why i love it.

i love it because to me it's home...

huzzah!!! classes are over for the semester!!!

AND i'm going to lancaster this weekend to see some of my most favorite people in the whole wide world! woo!

and now i present a survey... stolen from the roommate...

Name Four Bad Habits You Have:
1) Eating junk food late at night
2) Talking to myself in public... I've gotten so used to doing it since I now live alone, that I forget that I shouldn't do it when other people are around
3) Sitting with my leg under me, so that it cuts off the circulation and makes it "fall asleep"
4) Cracking my ankle incessantly before I fall asleep at night

Name Four Things That You Wish You Had:
1) My favorite people nearby
2) Something shiny (hahaha... I was just perusing jewelery stores with a bunch of giggling women)
3) A doctoral degree, so that I could just get on with my life already! hahaha
4) The ability to draw and paint well

Name Four Scents You Love:
1) My parents' house
2) My vanilla cookie candle
3) Fields in the summer
4) Christmas trees

Name Four Things You'd Never Wear:
1) Fur
2) Camoflage
3) Ridiculously long fingernails
4) "Ug" boots (or whatever they're actually called)

Name Four Things You Are Thinking Now:
1) "I'm up way past my bedtime."
2) "I'm old."
3) "We're getting our Christmas tree tomorrow!!!"
4) "I have a lot of work to do!!!!"

Name Four Things That You Have Done Today:
1) Went to 2 classes from 9 am- 3pm
2) Drove home from Scranton
3) Went to dinner with my parents, and had this amazing penne with vodka sauce at Balzano's in Bloomsburg (i highly reccomend it... the food is fantastic, and Mr. Balzano gives you a hug and kiss when you walk in)
4) Went shopping in downtown Bloomsburg during their "Late Night Shopping" event with Ceej, Brenda, Erica, and Mama

Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought Recently:
1) A shirt
2) Bread
3) Aluminum foil
4) Krispy Kreme donunts (mmmmmmm....)

Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink:
1) Diet Orange Slice (or Sunkist)
2) Cranberry apple juice
3) Water
4) Chai tea

Last Thing You Laughed At?
Ceej flirting with the cute jeweler

What's Under Your Bed?
I'm not entirely sure

What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
7:00 am

Current Hair?
A ponytail in disarray (did i spell that correctly?)

Current Clothes?
Pajamas!

Current Desktop Picture?
Johnny Depp playing the bass guitar *sigh*

Current Worry?
School, future, life in general ;)

Current Hate?
Petty girls

Last CD You Bought?
um... All American Rejects "Move Along"... total impulse buy... it's fun to listen to, but nothing to write home about

Favorite Place To Be?
Pretty much anywhere in Lancaster County

Least Favorite Place?
Pretty much anywhere in Lackawana County (Scranton, in particular)

Favorite Color?
Blue, or teal, or purple... depends on the day and the object

Favorite Day?
Saturday

1 week to go.


oh yes, then there's the next three semesters...





is it weird that i want to be a grown up?

*sigh*

so much on my mind...


i wish i could turn it off...

15-18We look at this Son and see the God who cannot be seen. We look at this Son and see God's original purpose in everything created. For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels—everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him. He was there before any of it came into existence and holds it all together right up to this moment. And when it comes to the church, he organizes and holds it together, like a head does a body.
18-20He was supreme in the beginning and—leading the resurrection parade—he is supreme in the end. From beginning to end he's there, towering far above everything, everyone. So spacious is he, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross.

Colossians 1:15- 20 (The Message)

once again, i'm at catholic social services, and i'm bored to tears.

the only difference is that today my head feels like it's going to explode, and i'm feeling a bit nauseated. it's fantastic.


can't wait to get home...

first of all, i feel i must warn those of you who read this blog on a regular basis that i will probably be posting a lot of excerpts from the irresistible revolution for the next couple of weeks. forgive me, but i just can't seem to help it. it's like the guy read my mind.

so here are some thoughts from mr. claiborne for today...

"Over and over, when I ask God why all of these injustices are allowed to exist in the world, I can feel the Spirit whisper to me, 'You tell me why we allow this to happen. You are my body, my hands, my feet'" (p 65).

"...I had no idea who St. Francis of Assisi was, but somehow the divine whisper that he and those young radicals heard in Italy in the thirteenth century was very familiar: 'Repair my church which is in ruins'. Now hundreds of years later, another bunch of young dreamers was leaving the Christianity that smothered them, to find God in the abandoned places, in the desert of the inner city. I felt so thirsty for God, so embarrassed by Christianity, and so ready for something more" (p. 65).

and finally...

"We do indeed have a God of resurrection, a God who can create beauty from the messes we make of our world" (p. 67).


good stuff...

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves... and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."
-Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)


*sigh*

i just started reading the irresistible revolution, by shane claiborne. it's fantastic. this guy and his friends are doing all they can to change church as we know it, and i must say, i'm thrilled. i'm tempted to head down to philly to help them out.

here's my favorite part so far...

"I developed the spiritual form of it [bulimia] where i did my devotions, read all the new Christian books and saw the Christian movies, and then vomited information up to friends, small groups, and pastors. But it had never had the chance to digest. I had gorged myself on all the products of the Christian industrial complex but was spiritually starving to death. I was marked by an overconsumptive but malnourished spirituality, suffocated by Christianity but thirsty for God".

i can't tell you how many times i've felt just like that...

there is hope...

time to whine...

my apartment is freakin' freezing!!! AND i have no one to cuddle with to keep me warm.

i started field placement late (which, by the way, was not my fault in any way), so now i'm beind on my hours, and i'm probably going to have to do 2 extra weeks after the semester is over. ARGH!


time to be positive...

i only have 1 class tomorrow, and then i'm going to lunch with the girls from school.

cj and i (and perhaps others) are going to do something fun for halloween this weekend! wee!

i have wonderful friends, and even though i don't get to see them as often as i'd like, they're always in my heart (there's no way to say that without sounding sappy).


"there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..."

northeastern pa=bleh... southern pa=weee!


i had a FANTASTIC time with the kateness this weekend! i'm so incredibly sad that we don't live closer to each other. no one around here understands the ridiculous things that come out of my mouth when i'm tired, or why i dance when i like certain food (or when there's a song in my head). she's spectacular, and i heart her very much. hehe

the weekend was somewhat bittersweet, though. i had so much fun, but i kept thinking that i was only going to be there for a short time, and i still have quite a long time to go before i can go back for good. i can't wait for that day...

in the meantime, i don't really know what to do with myself. i constantly feel like i'm waiting for my life to start. i really don't enjoy that feeling, and i wish i knew how to make it go away. ugh... i feel old...

he's been home for years....



we haven't been 'together' for years...


but thinking about what he went through-what we both went through-what millions of others are going through- still makes me cry...



nothing good comes from war...


cultivate peace...

so bored!

i'm currently "working" at catholic social services. for the past 3 hours, i've had just about nothing to do. i did some homework, but there's not much i can do here. i'm so tired, and frustrated that i can't be at home working on the paper that's due on thursday (or taking a nap... haha). it's a bunch of silliness i tell you!

blah. i guess i'm finished complaining now.


on a happier note... i'm gonna be in lancaster this weekend!!!! i finally get to see my kateness!!! it's been way, way too long!

by the way, if anybody's free friday night, let me know.

1 more day down... at least 208 to go...





*sigh*

i wanna have a halloween party!


who wants to come???

from My Utmost for His Highest by oswald chambers…

By Spiritual Confusion

“Ye know not what ye ask.” Matthew 20:22.
There are times in spiritual life when there is confusion, and it is no way out to say that there ought not to be confusion. It is not a question of right and wrong, but a question of God taking you by a way which in the meantime you do not understand, and it is only by going through the confusion that you will get at what God wants.
The Shrouding of His Friendship. Luke 11:5-8. Jesus gave the illustration of the man who looked as if he did not care for his friend, and He said that that is how the Heavenly Father will appear to you at times. You will think He is an unkind friend, but remember He is not; the time will come when everything will be explained. There is a cloud on the friendship of the heart, and often even love itself has to wait in pain and tears for the blessing of fuller communion. When God looks completely shrouded, will you hang on in confidence in Him?
The Shadow on His Fatherhood. Luke 11:11-13. Jesus says there are times when your Father will appear as if He were an unnatural father, as if He were callous and indifferent, but remember He is not; I have told you—“Everyone that asketh receiveth.” If there is a shadow on the face of the Father just now, hang onto it that He will ultimately give His clear revealing and justify Himself in all that He permitted.
The Strangeness of His Faithfulness. Luke 18:1-8. “When the Son of Man cometh, shall He find faith on the earth?” Will He find the faith which banks on Him in spite of the confusion? Stand off in faith believing that what Jesus said is true, though in the meantime you do not understand what God is doing. He has bigger issues at stake than the particular things you ask.


whoa…

the other day i heard someone say that the moment you begin to think nothing exciting is ever going to happen to you, that's when it does.







they lied.

i love school.

i sound like such a big nerd, but i am absolutely thrilled to be back in school. i began to feel like i would never think again. it's such a fantastic feeling to be involved in intellectual discussions. hooray for academia! hehe

speaking of reasons to say, "hooray!"... the kateness is coming up to see me tomorrow!!!! it's been quite a long time since we've seen eachother, so i'm very excited! i think we're gonna go over to clarks summit for a little while, then maybe to old forge for pizza. we'll probably end the evening by watching a silly movie and drinking some girly wine. woo!

and... now i've run out of things to say...

g'night, kiddos. :)

man, i miss those mountains.

well, i'm back in the east...

colorado was absolutely amazing. boulder is my new favorite city. the people there are so laid back, open minded, and healthy. i absolutely loved it. i'm already looking forward to my next trip out there, whenever that will be.

the scenery, of course, was indescribable. here are some pictures, but trust me, they don't do those beautiful mountains justice...




this picture is of my mother (the one with the 'antlers'), my aunt susie, and my uncle tony (the one making the 'antlers') on a trail along boulder creek


this is one of many views from rocky mtn. national park in estes park, colorado

this is the local elk herd in estes park (this is what they call a "nursery herd"-- the fawns and mothers are separated from the rest of the herd. the fawns are about the size of an adult white tail deer). we were so close to them. it was absolutely amazing. they are such beautiful creatures!

and this is the town hall in nederland, colorado (about 17 miles from boulder), where my cousin cindy lived when she first moved to colorado. it's not a big town (as you may have guessed), but it's full of charm and friendly people. visit if you ever get the chance.

there ya have it... just a glimpse into the wonderful west. :)

and now it's back to reality... classes start in 2 weeks... hard to believe...

me - lancaster =

it is amazing how much i miss that place today. i keep thinking about the market, and square one, and the random places i used to drive to just to clear my head. i'm determined to get back there after grad. school. i hope that's where life takes me, cause that's really where i want to be. it's funny to think that just a few years ago, i hated being there. this was due to the fact that it takes me a great deal of time to adjust to anything new, and i was homesick. it took a while, but eventually i fell in love with the place. it has become home to me, and i'm definitely homesick...

B.O.R.E.D.


school cannot start soon enough! i've spent the past month rotting away in front of the television. i can be sure that my brain has shrunk because of this. it may sound crazy, but i cannot wait to start classes. i'm just hoping i enjoy them at least half as much as i enjoyed my classes at millersville (ah, millersville... i miss it already *sniff*).

luckily, in a couple weeks i will have reason to tear myself away from the tv. my cousin is getting married in boulder, colorado, and some members of my mother's family (including my immediate family) are trekking out there for the event. cindy (my cousin) and david (her fiance) are having the ceremony on some sort of plateau type place in the rocky mountains. it promises to be rather beautiful. most of us are planning to be out there for about a week. we plan to do a lot of hiking and sight-seeing. cindy and david are convinced that i'm going to want to stay, and from the way describe it, i think they're right. it sounds like my kind of place. they say that most of the people out there are modern-day hippies, and boulder is full of coffee houses, book stores, and art exhibits. my parents may have to come up with a way to trick me into getting on the plane to come home. it will be so good to get a new perspective... especially right before beginning a new chapter in my life.

i can't wait to get out there...

thought for the day...

"Every noble work is at first impossible."
-Thomas Carlyle

lyric of the moment...

they say we've been looking for illegal immigrants
can we check your car
i say you know it's funny
i think we were on the same boat back in 1694

-indigo girls "shame on you"



so i've been a college graduate for almost a month now, and i'm still not sure i know how i feel about it. i'm not sure i'm ready to grow up, but i have no choice. life is changing a mile a minute, and i'm not doing a very good job of keeping up with it.

i'm not fond of friends being far away. my biggest wish at the moment is that all the people i love could be in the same place at the same time... all the time. i'm always hesitant about making new friends, probably cause i'm not very good at it, and there have been very few times in my life that i've met someone new and they turned out to be a really great friend. that makes the friends i have special though. i just wish they were closer.

it's funny... i want everyone to stay in the area (and others to move to it), and all the while i'm thinking about where i'm going to be in 2 years. at this point i have no idea. i could be across the country... or in another one. who knows. the thought both excites and terrifies me at the same time. i don't like change, but at the same time, i like knowing that there are more adventures out there for me. my life is such a dichotomy sometimes.