on a side note, i find it thoroughly amusing that the ad at the top of my blog is about valentine's day considering i said nothing about that horrible holiday that i loathe with all that is in me.

i was just laying on my bed looking at a picture of cj and i in mr. cughan's room during our senior year. i was happy then. what happened? i guess life happened. i wonder when i'll be happy like that again. maybe never. i thought life was tough then... funny how things you used to think were terrible problems become insignificant as you grow up. i will be happy again. it's not that i'm terribly depressed right now. it's just that it's harder to get through the day. it's probably more loneliness than pure sadness. of course, i think the two go hand-in-hand. i've realized, though, that happiness is a choice sometimes. sometimes life is really hard... it is for everyone... what matters is how you deal with it. decide to be happy and you will be.

wow... really wish i could delete many of my past blogs...

after much pain and agony, i finally finished my lit. paper at 10 o'clock last night. it is definitely not the best paper i've ever written, but it's finished, and that's all i care about.
on a brighter note, i will be home in less than 12 hours! i could not be happier!!!! see... i'm doin the happy dance.
on an even brighter note... I'M GONNA SEE JIMI TOMORROW!!!!! *sigh* life could not get better

i am dying to get home! i don't know how i'm going to get through the next 3 days. all i want to do is curl up next to jimi and watch a movie or something.

remember that awful test i was talking about on monday? well, i got it back today. i got a 55. the average was a 67. is she going to curve it? no. i want to strangle this woman!!!! i don't understand why you wouldn't curve a test on which the average student got a 67. you would think that would tell you something about your teaching methods. granted, there aren't many science majors in this class, so i can understand if she didn't expect us to do exceedingly well, but come on! i was feelin' pretty good before that class this morning. i took nyquil last night before bed, and then again at 5 because i woke up coughing like a maniac. i don't think it wore off by the time i woke up this morning, cuz i was completely relaxed and pretty much out of it. it was great! haha
i decorated our room (well, the window anyway) for christmas today. kate and i were listening to christmas music yesterday, and got the bright idea of getting little window cling decoration thingies (that's the technical term for those who don't know ). so after lit class we stopped at wal mart and got some. there's something about christmas decorations that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. i love christmas so much! i can't wait to decorate the house and bake cookies with ma. jimi might even help bake this year since he'll be home!!! *sigh* december 13th can't come soon enough!

i took the worst test of my life today. betcha can't guess what class it was. (in case you really can't... it was chemistry) it will be an absolute miracle if i pass. the best part is, i know that even if i had studied more, it wouldn't have done me any good. so needless to say, dr. anna is not my favorite person right now. on the plus side, however, i got like a 98 or something on my art test,which is totally cool! i didn't get to take a nap today, and i really could've used one... i didn't get to sleep til about 1:30 last night. so i think i'm going to go to bed early tonight. i'm so glad those two tests are over. now i can concentrate on the papers i have to write before break, and the take home psych test i'll get on wednesday. speaking of break... JIMI'S GONNA BE HOME NEXT WEDNESDAY!!!! hehe... i can't wait to hug him and kiss him and squeeze him... oh man... i don't know what i'm going to do with myself. i've been waiting for this for almost three years... i can't believe it's finally happening!!!! in a few days i'm totally going to be bouncing off the walls!

my sari came to visit me this weekend! we had plans to go dancin with brad and mia, but that didn't work out cuz brad had to work. we had fun anyway, though. on friday night we went to giant to get stuff i needed, then to blockbuster to get a movie, then we headed over to applebee's. that was an interesting experience. our waitor was russian... and he was totally hitting on us, or rather, sarah cuz she's totally hot!!!! i started feelin really sick when we got back from applebee's. i definitely had a fever, cuz i had the heat on so high, sarah was hot, but i was still cold (for those who don't know, sarah is always cold, and i am always hot). luckily i felt better on saturday morning. we went to cafe d'ville for lunch, then took my application for the apartment over to the leasing office, and then went shopping at the outlets. s got a present for her little brother, and "cool dude" sunglasses for herself. i, however, got nothing cuz i have absolutely no money. it was so good to get to spend some quality time with her. no one else gets me like she does. i can always be completely myself when i'm with her. without even knowing it, she reminds me of who i really am. (sorry if that doesn't make sense to anyone else... there really isn't any other way to put it) she's the best friend i could ever ask for, and i love her more than words can say!!!

WE GOT AN APARTMENT!!!!! kate and her father went over today and gave them the security deposit, and they said it's ours whenever we want it!!!!! wahoo!!!!!

i scheduled today. i got one class. one. can you imagine how thrilled i am right now? i was under the impression that a requirement of being a college student was taking classes... not to mention having a place to live. i have neither. this week has been awful, but i have faith that it will get better. for one, it's just not possible to get any worse (i really shouldn't say that, cuz whenever i do, things get worse) and sarah is comin to visit tomorrow night. she couldn't have picked a better week. i could definitely use a dose of her perpetual cheerfulness.

AAAAHHHH!!!! i have so much to do! i'm going crazy!
on top of all the junk i have to do, there's the issue of somewhere to live next year. the guys already have an apartment. funny, i'm pretty sure i told them about the place, and they have an apartment before we do. don't get me wrong. i'm glad they have a place... i'm just not going to be very happy if we don't get one. i'm totally stressed about this right now. i really want to live there. i just wish we could just snap our fingers and get everything in to them. if i were talking to my mother right now she'd say something like, "if that's the place for you, it will work out." she's right, but it's hard not to worry about it.
today is the seventh anniversary of my grandmother's death. ma reminded me of that in an e-mail this morning. she said i'm a lot like grammy, and she'd be very proud of me. it made me cry. i miss my grandmother. she was a special lady.
this weekend is going to be lots of fun. s is comin down on friday night. she, mia, brad, phil, and i are goin to the chameleon club. it's a dance night, so phil, s, and i are probably going to end up watching brad and mia dance all night... that's all right, though... it'll still be a lot of fun. and hey, maybe i'll conjure up enough courage to dance too. it'll be good just to go out and have some fun. hopefully it'll keep my mind off of all the stuff that i have to do before the end of the semester.

uuuggghhh... i HATE mondays! i have no desire to walk across campus to my stupid chem. class. blah... and i have art today. plus, i REALLY miss jimi. i know he'll be home in two weeks, but i feel like i need him here now. i can't wait to hug him and squeeze him for hours!!!! i love him sooooo much!!!
i had such a good weekend. on friday night sarah, shell, brandon, and i hung out at my house for a bit. then sarah and i watched chicago and ate junk food. (mmmm...) then on saturday, i finally got to go out to the miller's to visit. it was so nice to just sit and talk to them. they're such wonderful people, and such a special part of my life. on saturday night, ma made a really good dinner, and then later she and i went over to the mall for a bit. brandon came over around 9 or something and gave me the id holder i've been wanting since august! hehe i was so happy. we sat at the kitchen table and talked for a few hours then. i haven't gotten a chance to talk to boober in a long time. i'm so glad he came down to chat. then sunday brandon came to church with me. cj, greg, and sarah were there. i love my church. i really miss all of those people when i'm at school. pastor steve and joan are so great! barbie was there, too. it was nice to see her as well. then i went home, talked to my favorite boy in the whole world for a little bit, ate dinner, packed and headed back here. i can't wait to go home again. the thought that jimi will be there is about the only thing that will get me through the next 2 weeks. (ah! i can't wait to see him!!!! ) only 15 more days!!!!

i had a politics test today. it was so awful. nothing that lindsay and i studied was on it. on the plus side, though, he told us we got a 20 point curve before we even took it. so lindsay figured out that we only needed to get 30 out of 80 questions right to get a B. i really hope i got enough right.
super smash is playin' their first playoff game tonight at 9, so we're all headin' over to pucillo to cheer them on. that promises to be a good time. i should definitely take more advil before we go, cuz i already have a headache, and i'm sure there will be much screaming going on around me.
i'm goin' home this weekend, and for once, i might actually get to do some stuff that i've been intending to do for some time now, because i don't think i have a whole lot of work to do for next week. i've been trying to get out to see the miller's for weeks now, and i just haven't had the time to do it, but this week i'm pretty sure i'm gonna get a chance to. i haven't seen shell and brandon in months, so i'm definitely going to try to spend some quality time with them.
here's some more exciting news... things with the apartment seem to be working out pretty well. we all have our applications, and as far as i know we're all going to get them filled out this weekend. so hopefully we'll be able to give them a definite answer soon. kate, lindsay, and i have been daydreaming about all the things we'll have and all the things we'll be able to do in our apartment. we're very excited about decorating (with ikea stuff!!! ), and being able to cook, and not have to wear shoes to the bathroom, and taking bubble baths. hhhmmm... that seems to be a recurring theme with my blogs these days. i'm a little excited.

i don't know what it is, but lately i have had no desire to do anything remotely productive. i am so tired of school it's not even funny. we have 3 weeks before thanksgiving break and then a week of classes, and then finals week. that seems like so much. i feel like this semester is never going to end!
ma and pops are comin down to visit this weekend. we're goin over to check out the apartment on saturday. i really hope that works out, because as much as i'm tired of school, i'm even more tired of living in a dorm. (with those idiot people right, kate? ) it will be soooo nice to be able to take a bath, and not have to wear shoes to the bathroom, and make my own food, and sleep in a comfortable bed... *sigh* i can't wait!

ah, another week has come. oh goodie! i already can't wait until friday! i have a chemistry test on wednesday. haha... that sounds like no big deal, but believe me, it is. the other thing i'm stressed about is a 10 minute speech on an emily dickinson poem for my american lit. class. WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME TALK ABOUT AN EMILY DICKINSON POEM FOR 10 MINUTES?!? i have to give it next tuesday, and have yet to start working on it. (good thinkin, jess!) i have abslolutely no desire to do it. blah.
on a brighter note... JIMI'S OUTA THE ARMY ON FRIDAY!!!! =) i cannot believe this is actually happening. i've been waiting 2 years and 10 months for this day... and it's almost here! *sigh* i cannot wait to see that boy... he means so much to me. we're finally going to live in the same state!!! =) i don't even know what else to say... i just can't stop smiling! =)

my friend, scott -formerly my youth pastor, was in bloomsburg this weekend for a wedding. a bunch of us from youth group went out this afternoon to a restaurant here in bloomsburg that we frequented throughout our youth group years. it was so nice to see everyone, and especially scott, since i never see him. his wife, kristen (aka "mama chicken" hehe) wasn't able to come. she had something going on with her job. so that was a bummer, but hopefully she'll be able to get up here soon... or maybe i'll head down there for a visit in the near future. i really love those two. despite the distance between us, they continue to be a huge encouragement to me. i feel so blessed to have them in my life.

all i really have to say is summed up in a linkin park song called "hit the floor"... so here it is... enjoy.

There are just too many times that people have tried to look inside of me
Wondering what I think of you well I protect you out of courtesy
Too many times that I've held on when I needed to push away
Afraid to say what was on my mind
Afraid to say what I need to say
Too many things that you've said about me when I'm not around
You think having the upper hand means you gotta keep putting me down
But I've had too many standoffs with you it's about as much as I could stand
So I wait till the upper hand is mine

One minute you're on top
The next you're not, watch it drop
Making your heart stop
Just before you hit the floor
One minute you're on top
The next you're not, missed your shot
Making your heart stop
You think you've won
And then it's all gone

So many people like me that put so much trust in all your lies
So concerned with what you think to just say what we feel inside
So many people like me walk on eggshells all day long
All I know is that all I want is to feel like I'm not stepped on
There are so many things you say that make me feel you cross the line
What goes up will surely fall, and I am counting down the time
Cause I've had so many standoffs with you it's about as much as I could stand
So I waiting until the upper hand is mine

One minute you're on top
The next you're not, watch it drop
Making your heart stop
Just before you hit the floor
One minute you're on top
The next you're not, missed your shot
Making your heart stop
You think you've won
And then it's all gone
And then it's all gone
And then it's all gone
And then it's all gone
Now it's all gone.
I know I'll never trust a single thing you say
You realize you divide us but you lied anyway
And all the lies have got you floating up above us all
But what goes up has got to fall...

One minute you're on top
The next you're not, watch it drop
Making your heart stop
Just before you hit the floor
One minute you're on top
The next you're not, missed your shot
Making your heart stop
You think you've won
And then it's all gone
And then it's all gone
And then it's all gone
And then it's all gone
Now it's all Gone.

so i just finished reading, "Nights in Rodanthe" by nicholas sparks. what a good book! yeah, it was a mushy love story. what can i say? i'm a nerd. =) he's a very talented author. when i read his books, i feel as though i'm hiding in the shadows, watching as the story plays out. *sigh* i love books. someday i'm going to get to edit them. (how cool would it be if i got to edit nicholas sparks' novels!!!) this particular story was about a couple who started a long distance relationship just after meeting each other. it reminded me a bit of jimi and i. maybe i should write a novel about us. hey, we already have a song! =) hehe
now, of course, i need to get a new book. anybody have any suggestions?

so another weekend is coming to an end. i really wish that weeks would go by as quickly as weekends. i feel like it was friday morning about 5 hours ago.
lindsay's "friend" (wink, wink), chris came to visit this weekend. he's so sweet. she definitely needs to keep him around! the three of us watched resident evil with paul on friday night. what a weird movie! i should have expected that though, considering paul picked it out. i'm still trying to figure out what actually happened in the end. it was just suddenly over. i don't know, maybe i missed something.
later that night, our good friend, ryan (or wyan hehe) came to visit from boston. well, he didn't actually drive all the way from boston just to see us. he was home for a wedding, and stopped by for a little while. unfortunately, brad didn't get out of work on time, and paul somehow forgot that he was coming, so he only got to see lindsay, kate, bryan, and i. it was so good to see him. i hope he gets to visit again soon. i miss the little homestarr runner wanna-be. ;) haha
i had a craving for a new book or two, so on saturday i drug lindsay, chris, and kate to borders with me. i just love bookstores. something about them always makes me smile. maybe i should get a job there. hhhmmm...
lindsay, chris, and i took a trip out to park city after dinner last night, and i bought two used cd's from fye for thirteen dollars! how cool is that. chris and i spent the rest of the trip keeping lindsay away from all the pretty purses. (you don't need any more, lins. you already have enough for the entire population of lancaster county!)
i spent the rest of the evening reading my new books and listening to my new cd's. of course, i talked to my stinky pants, too. he is so freaking adorable when he's tired, but extremely difficult to have a conversation with. i think we spent about five minutes trying to find out whether he was tired or not. to explain... i asked him if he was tired, and he answered with, "am i tired?" we did this quite a few times until i finally informed him that he was in fact tired, and he should go to sleep. *sigh* what a cute little nerd.
well, that's about the extent of this weekend's excitement. i can only imagine the excitement that is to come with the next week...

ah, friday. the week of classes has come to an end. i'm definitely looking forward to relaxing this weekend. i'm stayin at school, along with lindsay and skippy. everyone else is going home. i'm sure the 3 of us will have a ridiculously good time. we already have a trip to wally world planned. =)
so yesterday i had chem. lab again. i'm happy to inform you that i was finished early! so to reward myself... i'm going to the bookstore this afternoon to buy myself a really cool pen for 99 cents. (man, i'm such a nerd!) i think i deserve at least that after the week i had...
my dear friend, pauly and i had one of our little... uh... "misunderstandings" this week. he thought i was mad at him, and i was just frustrated with a certain situation. so instead of coming to talk to me about it (like i've told him to do on many occasions *wink*) he just avoided me until i got so fed up with the craziness that i went upstairs to talk to him about it. i know this sounds like an easy task, but it's not for someone as stubborn as i am. so to make a long story short...we talked, we lauhged, we hugged, and now everything is ok. eh, no, i guess i can't really say that, but we're at least talking to eachother now. =) hopefully in the future everything will be ok. for now i guess all i can do is wait...