The Goodness of the Lord

Lately I’ve been struggling to believe that God will continue to give me good things in this life. Intellectually, I know the ridiculousness of this. God has given me many good things, and continues to do so daily. 

The issue is that there are some specific things that I really want— things that I believe to be good desires. I currently can’t see any indication that these things will happen and that’s where I’m getting tripped up. My focus is on myself, and this life, rather than on eternity. 

The truth is, in this life, there is uncertainty, pain, and disappointment. We can never be sure that we will get the specific things that we want— even if they are good, holy desires. But we can always see God’s goodness in every circumstance if we choose to see it. 

Today I’m asking God to give me a heart that sees the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, because even (and especially) when I’m not getting what I want when I want it, I know that God is working for my good (to make me more like him) and His glory (Romans 8:28).

This is Not Your Own Doing

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” -Ephesians 2:8-9

I grew up in the church. I went to a Christian school from Kindergarten through 12^th grade. I can literally remember memorizing this verse at Awana as a kid.

But recently, it began to hold a new meaning for me.

Have you ever felt the need to work for the approval of someone? What did it feel like when you didn’t feel like they were happy with your work? How did that affect your thoughts about yourself? How did that affect your thoughts in general? What was your focus? How did it affect your behavior?

When I am focused on gaining the approval of other people, what I’m really focused on is myself. How I measure up. How I can work better, harder, faster, etc. This causes insecurity, because I can’t please everyone. In fact, I can’t please anyone all the time. What a relief it is to know that I don’t have to work to earn God’s approval.

As a wife, mother, friend, employee, etc. I have so many things to do, so many things to keep track of: laundry, meal-planning, diaper changes, monitoring homework, grocery shopping, school drop-off, school pick-up, meetings, projects, teaching—the list goes on.  If I had to add to that trying to gain the approval of a holy God, I’d be sunk. I can’t do it. None of us can.

God has been reminding me lately of the relief and freedom of that truth of the Gospel. As women, moms, humans we tend to work for the approval of other people. With God, we don’t need to do that. God doesn’t ask us to work for his approval. In fact, he tells us that we can never earn it. Apart from Christ, we cannot be approved. It is only through the work of Jesus on the cross that we can come to the Father and accept His ultimate approval.

God gives us this free gift so that we can have fellowship with him, and ultimately, so that He can be glorified, so that we cannot boast in our own works or abilities, but only in the work of Jesus and the glory of God the Father.

Early in my career, I was hired at a counseling agency in  an administrative role. I was so excited to begin! After working hard to receive my Master’s of Social Work, I was thrilled to be in a supervisory role. I was excited to lead and influence a team of people working with children with mental health challenges. Unfortunately, I quickly learned that my supervisors were not exactly supportive, and the agency was pretty dysfunctional. I wasn’t able to reach the standards that the administration expected of me, which I knew were impossible, but still made me feel like I was deficient in some way. My dream of being in a leadership role quickly became a nightmare, and I began to sink into despair and insecurity. I began feeling anxious all the time. My thoughts were focused on myself and what I could do better. I would daydream about being offered some amazing job somewhere else and excelling at it, and then running into my old bosses and bragging about how great I was. It was gross. I tried to do the “right thing” and kept telling myself to work for God and not for man, but even in that my focus was on myself and what I was doing. Thankfully, God quickly provided a way of escape, and I moved on to a different type of position at a different agency, but even though my working environment is much better now, insecurity still follows me. I think it follows all of us if we focus on ourselves and not on the God who gives us the gifts and talents to do the work He has for us.

Praise God that I don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations in order to gain salvation. We can never be good enough to stand in the presence of a holy God without the saving grace of Jesus. That doesn’t mean that we should act however we want. As Paul says in Romans 6:1-2, “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?” It means we must and can only depend on the grace and mercy of God through faith in Jesus for our redemption and restoration. What a relief!

We're Going to Get Married.

On Sunday during Life Group, we talked about how we met our spouses and the early days or our relationships. Matt and I told the story of how, after only 2 weeks of dating, I told him we were going to get married. If you’re reading this and you knew me back then (and have somehow never heard this story), I’ll wait a minute for you to pick yourself up off the floor before I go on.

Ready?

Yeah, I was not one to readily and easily express my feelings for other people, especially the guys I dated. As is the case for most young people, I had been hurt plenty of times prior to meeting Matt, and in previous relationships was of the opinion that I would not, under any circumstances, share my feelings about the other person unless they made a major expression of love and undying commitment to me. Looking back, I realize how unlikely that would be given how guarded I was in those relationships. Of course, it was also a good thing that I was that guarded in those prior relationships because I was not meant to be with those people, but I digress.

I still remember looking at Matt in the car parked at the Pequea boat launch on the Susquehanna river (we had gone for a drive and were discussing our relationship) and telling him that we were going to get married. I only vaguely remember his reaction because my brain was fighting with itself:

“What in the world just came out of your mouth? Are you insane”.

“Eh, whatever. When you know, you know, right?”.

I don’t actually remember what Matt said in response to this declaration, but we’ve been married for 7 and a half years now, so I’d say it worked out alright.

Whenever we tell this story I’m reminded of the way I felt in that moment, telling him that we would get married. I was completely at peace. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was right. We were going to get married. At the time I didn’t really think much about this phenomenon, but in the years since I’ve realized just how completely in control of my actions I was not. As I said before, this is NOT something that I would normally do. I can’t even tell you how earth-shatteringly uncharacteristic this was for me. What I’ve concluded is that God took over my heart and my mouth that night so that I would say exactly what Matt (who didn’t know it at the time, but has since realized it to be true) needed to hear to begin to overcome his fear of commitment (that’s his story to tell, so I won’t explain the reasons behind that here).

Now, please don’t think that I’m taking any credit for allowing God to have control in that area. I was not there yet, so I give all credit for this situation turning out this way to the people who were praying for my future marriage for many years (my parents actually started praying for me and my future spouse while my mom was still pregnant with me).

What telling this story also reminded me of is how all these years later, I would do it all over again without question. In fact, I might not even wait 2 weeks. Marrying this man was the single best decision I’ve ever made in my life. I had no idea at the time how much more I would love him almost 8 years later, or how much more I would be proud of him for who he is, how he loves me and our kids, how he parents our children, how he leads in his job, & how much passion he puts into all of this work.  Because he chooses to put Jesus first in his life, the people he interacts with are better off, especially me and our children.

I’m so thankful for the prayers of the faithful people in my life and Matt’s, and that God has blessed us with each other (I’m pretty sure Matt would agree that I’m a blessing in his life… most days. 😉).



Here we are about a month into our relationship... 2 weeks after I told him we were going to get married. 😂

I Will Be With You

Working outside the home sometimes makes me feel like a part-time mom, wife, & School Counselor-- like I'm not able to give 100% to any of my roles.  Intellectually, I understand that it would impossible to do so, but that doesn't deter the guilt from sneaking in.  It's times like these that I feel inadequate at everything I do, and that often makes me feel like giving up on something.  That something is always my career.  Sure, I have moments where I want a short break from mom and wife duty, but I never want to walk out on those roles (thanks mostly to my husband-- and even sometimes my little guys-- for making me feel appreciated!).

Working Mom is another story.  I wrestle with feelings of wanting to focus solely on my family, but also kick ass in my career.  My daydreams fluctuate between resigning because Matt got a promotion & I can stay home & write; or I've been offered a Super Amazing Position that screams to my current employer, "Suck it! You didn't appreciate me & now I'm taking all of my awesomeness somewhere else to do amazing things.  No, no, please don't beg.  I've made up my mind-- I'm too good for this place".  (Totally obnoxious, I know, but I'm pretty sure you've thought the same thing at one point in time.  Admit it-- it's freeing.)

So, where do these feelings come from?  Sure, a major part of it is obvious-- I don't feel appreciated at work, but what else is behind these feelings?

Insecurity.  

The feeling that I'm not all that talented at anything I do is really the crux of the matter.  I've always thought of myself as a fairly confident person, so when I examined my feelings and discovered their source, I was shocked! Ok, that might be a little dramatic, but I really was somewhat surprised.  How could I let this happen to me?  How could I let people that really aren't important figures in my life make me feel so inadequate?  (I don't actually think this was their goal, for the record.  This is all on me.) I realized this is because I was giving them, my job, and my desire to have an "important" role too much power in my life.  I had stopped gleaning my security from who I am in Jesus.  I stopped asking what He thought about my work & my abilities, and focused on what other people thought (or appeared to think).  If you've ever been in this place, you know how painful it is.  You know the hole that you feel and the way you feel lost & without a direction. (Side note: I'm a total planner, so not having a direction is excruciating for me.  I see you, Sister, with your color-coded calendar and matching pen!)

So how do I get out of this state?  I certainly don't have the full answer to that question yet, but what I do know is that it starts with a step.  Just asking these hard questions and not running away from answering them is step one.  My natural step two was buying a book-- it's what I do.  

One day, I came across a book entitled, 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn't Quit  (by Nicki Koziarz & knew I needed to read it.  I was at a place where I really wanted to quit, and I was tired of doing that, so this book really spoke to me.  Nicki talked about having dreams & wanting to do something with my life that has an impact on the world.  Yes! I'm so with ya, Sister! But what happens when adversity strikes?  "I give up!",  "I'm not good enough at this!",  "There are so many other people who could do this better".  Yes, yes, & Yes! Then at church that Sunday, I read this description of the morning's message: 

"When it comes to doubting ourselves, we can come up with a list of excuses as to why we aren't good enough to do what God wants us to do.  But God has given us the power to take any situation He presents to us-- if we are willing to look past the unknown and see that His will is greater than our fear".  (Click here to see the full message)

Ok, God.  I get it.  You have my attention.  

Our pastor talked about the story of Gideon & the Midianites, which essentially goes like this: 

God: Gideon, I want you to destroy these people. 

Gideon: Got it.  I need more soldiers. 

God: Nope.  You have too many.  I need you to get rid of some.  

Gideon: Uh... what?!?

Yeah, I'm with Gideon.  

BUT

"The Lord said to him, 'I will be with you.  And you will destroy the Midianites as if you were fighting against one man'".  Judges 6:16.

Gideon didn't need a powerful army.  He had the most powerful thing in the universe: the Presence of Almighty God.

And so do you.  

Mickey Mouse Saves the Day!

Today I sat on the floor in the playroom and colored a gigantic picture of Mickey Mouse while my children played nearby; because some days parenting well means taking care of myself first.  To some that might sound selfish, but I challenge you to think through this with me.  Can we be the best moms, wives, daughters, and friends we can be if we are running ragged and pouring ourselves out without ever filling ourselves back up?  Can a carpet cleaner keep a carpet clean if we keep using the same dirty water? (This example should inform you that I live with 3 boys and a dog.) No, it can't and we can't.  

Being a good mom doen't mean giving EVERYTHING you have and not doing anything for yourself.  Quite the contrary.  In the world of Social Work and Psychology, we have a term for this called "self care" (no, we didn't make this up, I'm sure).  In graduate school and in our workplaces, we spend a lot of time talking about this concept and instilling in ourselves the idea that this is an absolutely essential part of being a good Helper.  This is not only true for Helping professions.  It's true everywhere.  We must take care of ourselves before we can take care of others.  

Heck, even flight attendants teach us this-- 

"In case of emergency, secure your own breathing mask before assisting small children with theirs."

Jesus teaches us this as well.  In Matthew 11:28 He says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest".  Today, Jesus gave me rest in the form of my favorite childhood pasttime.  He met me exactly where I was, because that's where I needed Him to be-- in the scent of colored wax and giant paper.  

Putting myself first is so hard sometimes-- not because I'm so incredibly selfless, but because I like to think that I'm Superwoman and I can "do it all" (I have an issue with dependence.  I may have written about that in a previous post), but I'm learning that it is essential in the world of motherhood.  

So thanks, Mickey, for being my air mask today, and thank you, Jesus for telling me that it's ok. (Oh, and thank you for friends who are understanding and supportive when I send them text messages saying that my children have been possessed and to be on standby if I need backup.  These women are my heroes. Couldn't do this thing without them.)

The Day the AC died

Apparently, it's supposed to get up to 90 degrees here in Lancaster County today. So naturally, today would be the day that our 30 year old air conditioner would die (the good news is, we were planning to replace it anyway, & we know a guy). 

All the heat has caused this party of 3 to be quite still today, which is hard, but so necessary. 

This stillness has allowed me to be more mindful of my surroundings for the moment.  As I stood at my kitchen window earlier, I witnessed one neighbor mowing his grass with a riding mower & another mowing his with a mule--very different methods, but both effective. Neither is better than the other, just different. 

This reminded me of motherhood: many different methods & opinions. None better than the others, just different (with the exception of "methods" that are abusive-- that's a whole other topic), and yet, we women sometimes attack each other over these differences of opinion. So it made me think: when did motherhood become a competitive sport? Did our mothers and theirs before them experience the same thing as young mothers? Was there ever a time that moms, on the whole, didn't berate each other over choices like breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding & disposable vs. cloth? What do we gain from this? Nothing. In fact, not only do we damage others, we damage ourselves by missing out on opportunities to learn & grow. 

The mom that had a c-section is just as much of a mom as the one that didn't. The mom that mothers babies that others have physically given birth to is just as much a mom as any other mom out there (and often has a tougher job). Sometimes our plans for motherhood go awry. I know mine did. I was positive that I would have a natural birth & breastfeed for an entire year. That didn't happen. With Davyd, I had to have a c-section because, during labor, his heart rate dropped & didn't come back up. Between the time that Dr. Eichenlaub said "We're doing a c-section. Now." to the time that Davyd was out was less than 10 minutes-- it was that emergent. In the end, I'm just thankful that he & I were both ok. Then came breastfeeding. We tried. It didn't work. And yes, that's possible. I just didn't produce enough to meet his caloric needs. I tried my hardest, spending many nights sobbing as I tried to nurse him, until I finally allowed myself to "give up" & do what was best for him, which was bottle feeding. I spent way too much time feeling guilty about his birth & eating. This guilt came from many sources, including myself, the media, & other moms. I still feel guiltily sometimes, which is ridiculous, because the choices were simple: have a c-section & we'd both be ok, or try a natural birth & lose him; and keep breastfeeding & let him lose weight, or bottle feed him & provide the nourishment he needed. Still, I felt like I was broken, and some other moms out there in the world tried to keep me feeling that way. Thankfully the ones that matter to me provided the support I needed.

The point is, there's no need for all this judgment-- of ourselves, or other moms. Parenting is THE HARDEST job in the world, & we should all give ourselves & other parents a break. 

I say this knowing that I often fight the urge to judge another mom when I'm in the grocery store & the mom gives in to her child's incessant pleading for the snack he wants. But how do I know what that mom has endured today? Maybe she has reached the last millimeter of sanity & has decided that giving in to the whining will save her from having her own meltdown in the middle of the cereal aisle. If I think about it that way, I can't blame her. If I'm honest, I've done the same thing. There comes a point in every mom's day that she JUST. CAN'T. anymore. And that's ok. In those times, we should be reaching out to each other with a glass of wine. I mean support. No really, a glass of wine. Let's just be honest. 

Today, I read the story of Mary (Jesus' mom) going to stay with her cousin, Elizabeth, who was also pregnant, when Mary found out that she was going to have Jesus. I have to think that they both felt overwhelmed & incompetent. I mean, one was "way too old" to have a baby, & the other one was practically a child herself. But instead of judging each other for their differences, they clung to each other for dear life (this is my guess, based on my own feelings about motherhood). These women were brilliant. Let's all be Marys & Elizabeths, shall we? 

💜