I Will Be With You

Working outside the home sometimes makes me feel like a part-time mom, wife, & School Counselor-- like I'm not able to give 100% to any of my roles.  Intellectually, I understand that it would impossible to do so, but that doesn't deter the guilt from sneaking in.  It's times like these that I feel inadequate at everything I do, and that often makes me feel like giving up on something.  That something is always my career.  Sure, I have moments where I want a short break from mom and wife duty, but I never want to walk out on those roles (thanks mostly to my husband-- and even sometimes my little guys-- for making me feel appreciated!).

Working Mom is another story.  I wrestle with feelings of wanting to focus solely on my family, but also kick ass in my career.  My daydreams fluctuate between resigning because Matt got a promotion & I can stay home & write; or I've been offered a Super Amazing Position that screams to my current employer, "Suck it! You didn't appreciate me & now I'm taking all of my awesomeness somewhere else to do amazing things.  No, no, please don't beg.  I've made up my mind-- I'm too good for this place".  (Totally obnoxious, I know, but I'm pretty sure you've thought the same thing at one point in time.  Admit it-- it's freeing.)

So, where do these feelings come from?  Sure, a major part of it is obvious-- I don't feel appreciated at work, but what else is behind these feelings?

Insecurity.  

The feeling that I'm not all that talented at anything I do is really the crux of the matter.  I've always thought of myself as a fairly confident person, so when I examined my feelings and discovered their source, I was shocked! Ok, that might be a little dramatic, but I really was somewhat surprised.  How could I let this happen to me?  How could I let people that really aren't important figures in my life make me feel so inadequate?  (I don't actually think this was their goal, for the record.  This is all on me.) I realized this is because I was giving them, my job, and my desire to have an "important" role too much power in my life.  I had stopped gleaning my security from who I am in Jesus.  I stopped asking what He thought about my work & my abilities, and focused on what other people thought (or appeared to think).  If you've ever been in this place, you know how painful it is.  You know the hole that you feel and the way you feel lost & without a direction. (Side note: I'm a total planner, so not having a direction is excruciating for me.  I see you, Sister, with your color-coded calendar and matching pen!)

So how do I get out of this state?  I certainly don't have the full answer to that question yet, but what I do know is that it starts with a step.  Just asking these hard questions and not running away from answering them is step one.  My natural step two was buying a book-- it's what I do.  

One day, I came across a book entitled, 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn't Quit  (by Nicki Koziarz & knew I needed to read it.  I was at a place where I really wanted to quit, and I was tired of doing that, so this book really spoke to me.  Nicki talked about having dreams & wanting to do something with my life that has an impact on the world.  Yes! I'm so with ya, Sister! But what happens when adversity strikes?  "I give up!",  "I'm not good enough at this!",  "There are so many other people who could do this better".  Yes, yes, & Yes! Then at church that Sunday, I read this description of the morning's message: 

"When it comes to doubting ourselves, we can come up with a list of excuses as to why we aren't good enough to do what God wants us to do.  But God has given us the power to take any situation He presents to us-- if we are willing to look past the unknown and see that His will is greater than our fear".  (Click here to see the full message)

Ok, God.  I get it.  You have my attention.  

Our pastor talked about the story of Gideon & the Midianites, which essentially goes like this: 

God: Gideon, I want you to destroy these people. 

Gideon: Got it.  I need more soldiers. 

God: Nope.  You have too many.  I need you to get rid of some.  

Gideon: Uh... what?!?

Yeah, I'm with Gideon.  

BUT

"The Lord said to him, 'I will be with you.  And you will destroy the Midianites as if you were fighting against one man'".  Judges 6:16.

Gideon didn't need a powerful army.  He had the most powerful thing in the universe: the Presence of Almighty God.

And so do you.