i LOVE To Kill a Mockingbird... i read this part this morning, and since i'm super early to computer lab, i thought i'd share it with all of you... to give you a little background, the person talking (Atticus Finch) is the father of the two main characters and he's explaining why he made his son read to the grouchy old woman who lived down the street...
"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do."
i think that's a great explanation of courage. i've been thinking about things like that lately in regards to this country. a few weeks ago in film we watched a documentary about the vietnam war. the director did a great job of portraying this country's attitude that courage requires wielding a gun and winning no matter what. i wish more people thought of courage in the way Atticus Finch does... maybe we'd find some peace...
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
i've come to two separate but related conclusions in the past two days. first, i've realized that i'm not cut out for life in a capitalist society. i'm too damn lazy. plus, i hate the idea that i'm going to have to spend the rest of my life working. yesterday i passed a man and his (what i assumed to be) daughter playing in a park, and i thought to myself "huh. it's weird that that guy is home in the middle of the day on a monday." and then i thought "that really shouldn't be weird. that's the way it should be. people should be able to spend time with the ones they love rather than sitting behind a desk all day (or whatever they might do for work) making money just so they can survive in this society." then i began wondering how we got to the point where money is so much more important to us than family and friends. how did we begin placing such importance on material wealth? there's nothing about money and prestige that is inherantly valuable, so what made it so valuable to us? i told kate about these thoughts in class last night, so we both decided to create our own countries. mine is called "jesstopia". it is a small island shaped like a hershey kiss of the "locum ocean" (hehehe... yeah, i thought that one up all by myself). her's is called "kathrynia", and it is shaped somewhat like a heart (shocking from her, right?) . we plan to live in our countries and enjoy the company of the people we love rather than working our asses off to reach some unattainable goal. if anyone else feels like they're not cut out for capitalism, come join us. there will always be room for other "pinko commie bastards" (in the words of dr. schaffer).
the second realization is a little more shallow, but equally important. school should end the instant the weather starts being nice. it's soooooo difficult to get anything accomplished when the sun is shining and birds are chirping. i realize that not everyone enjoys sunshine as much as i do, but they should... and they will.
ok, so i know i said i had two realizations, but i just remembered another one that i had while driving earlier today: life is beautiful. the people in my life are beautiful. and i am a happy girl.
the second realization is a little more shallow, but equally important. school should end the instant the weather starts being nice. it's soooooo difficult to get anything accomplished when the sun is shining and birds are chirping. i realize that not everyone enjoys sunshine as much as i do, but they should... and they will.
ok, so i know i said i had two realizations, but i just remembered another one that i had while driving earlier today: life is beautiful. the people in my life are beautiful. and i am a happy girl.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
i think i need therapy.
i can't understand why i allow myself to get so stressed out that it makes me physically ill. the things going on in my life right now aren't even that stressful. i don't understand myself, and i think i need counseling. i really hate this aspect of myself. it seems so weak to me to respond to situations this way, and those who know me know how much i dislike being weak. so today i decided i was going to choose to think positively, and not worry about things that i have no control over. i was going to enjoy life for what it is. i did fairly well, but still found myself worrying and stressing from time to time. i never realized how much of a control freak i am until lately. i don't know if i've changed or if i've simply begun to notice this part of my personality. either way, i don't like it. i want to enjoy every minute of my life-- even the unknown (which is my least favorite aspect of life right now). i want to see the unknown as something exciting, not terrifying. i want to lose my fear of falling...
i can't understand why i allow myself to get so stressed out that it makes me physically ill. the things going on in my life right now aren't even that stressful. i don't understand myself, and i think i need counseling. i really hate this aspect of myself. it seems so weak to me to respond to situations this way, and those who know me know how much i dislike being weak. so today i decided i was going to choose to think positively, and not worry about things that i have no control over. i was going to enjoy life for what it is. i did fairly well, but still found myself worrying and stressing from time to time. i never realized how much of a control freak i am until lately. i don't know if i've changed or if i've simply begun to notice this part of my personality. either way, i don't like it. i want to enjoy every minute of my life-- even the unknown (which is my least favorite aspect of life right now). i want to see the unknown as something exciting, not terrifying. i want to lose my fear of falling...
Monday, March 21, 2005
"and it's 1:45, and I'm feeling alive..."
i love sunday nights. last night at dinner, kate and i decided that after going to see a film on campus we were going to bake a pound cake. and bake we did. we are officially the coolest people in the world. who else starts baking a cake at 9pm on a whim? shortly after we began baking, mr. sparky evergreen showed up at the apartment and immediately began creating ridiculous phrases with our letter magnets. the kid sat there in front of the fridge for close to an hour. that is dedication, my friends. or possibly insanity. of course, while he was doing this, kate and i were lying on the floor giggling. so i guess we're just as crazy as he is.
when we were finally able to tear ryan away from the refrigerator, we watched a couple episodes of six feet under and devoured the delicious pound cake- which, by the way, was topped with cherry pie filling, chocolate syrup and cool whip... well, at least mine and kate's were... ryan's was plain. how boring.
at one point, while ryan was working on his sentences, kate was cleaning up, the cake was baking, and the trainspotting soundtrack was playing in the background, i was lying on the floor thinking to myself how great my life is. at that moment, i was exceedingly happy and content. i couldn't have possibly asked for better friends. i can't express how blessed i am to have those two in my life. they've become my family, and i honestly don't know what i'd do without them. i feel home when i'm with them, and that my friends, is a wonderful feeling.
i love sunday nights. last night at dinner, kate and i decided that after going to see a film on campus we were going to bake a pound cake. and bake we did. we are officially the coolest people in the world. who else starts baking a cake at 9pm on a whim? shortly after we began baking, mr. sparky evergreen showed up at the apartment and immediately began creating ridiculous phrases with our letter magnets. the kid sat there in front of the fridge for close to an hour. that is dedication, my friends. or possibly insanity. of course, while he was doing this, kate and i were lying on the floor giggling. so i guess we're just as crazy as he is.
when we were finally able to tear ryan away from the refrigerator, we watched a couple episodes of six feet under and devoured the delicious pound cake- which, by the way, was topped with cherry pie filling, chocolate syrup and cool whip... well, at least mine and kate's were... ryan's was plain. how boring.
at one point, while ryan was working on his sentences, kate was cleaning up, the cake was baking, and the trainspotting soundtrack was playing in the background, i was lying on the floor thinking to myself how great my life is. at that moment, i was exceedingly happy and content. i couldn't have possibly asked for better friends. i can't express how blessed i am to have those two in my life. they've become my family, and i honestly don't know what i'd do without them. i feel home when i'm with them, and that my friends, is a wonderful feeling.
Sunday, March 20, 2005
in an effort to avoid doing work i stole a survey from katie...
1. What time did you get up this morning? 9:30
2. Diamonds or pearls? diamonds. they're shiny.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? meet the fockers... haha... good times!
4. What is your favorite TV show? gilmore girls!!!! go 'head... make jokes. i can be a girl sometimes.
5. What did you have for breakfast? granola bar and green tea... mmmmm
6. What foods do you dislike? meat of any kind, sweet pickles, olives, spinach, lima beans
7. What is your favorite chip flavor? salt and vinegar is a favorite. sour cream and onion might be a little more favorite though.
8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? the used "in love and death"
9. What kind of car do you drive? a cute little green civic
10. Favorite sandwich? tuna melt on a pretzel bun from isaac's. mmmm!!!
11. What characteristics do you despise? close-mindedness, arrogance, dishonesty...
12. Favorite item of clothing? my bloomsburg university sweatshirt... soooo comfy!
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? ireland
14. What color is your bathroom? white and boring.
15. Favorite brand of clothing? brands? i'm too poor for brands!
16. Where would you retire to? wherever the important people in my life are at the time
17. Favorite time of day? any time kate and i are laughing on the floor and ryan is giving us peculiar looks.
18. Ears pierced or not? yep.
19. Favorite sport to watch? baseball... but only when the yankess are in the world series.
20. What fabric detergent do you use? tide... mama says it's the best.
21. Are you a morning person or night owl? night owl like whoa... especially lately
22. What is your shoe size? 6. i have teeny feet.
23. Do you have any pets? my goofy springer spaniel, maggie, and our puffy beta fish, renton
25. Favorite holiday? i HEART st. patrick's day to the mizzax. it's my holiday for romance.
1. What time did you get up this morning? 9:30
2. Diamonds or pearls? diamonds. they're shiny.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? meet the fockers... haha... good times!
4. What is your favorite TV show? gilmore girls!!!! go 'head... make jokes. i can be a girl sometimes.
5. What did you have for breakfast? granola bar and green tea... mmmmm
6. What foods do you dislike? meat of any kind, sweet pickles, olives, spinach, lima beans
7. What is your favorite chip flavor? salt and vinegar is a favorite. sour cream and onion might be a little more favorite though.
8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? the used "in love and death"
9. What kind of car do you drive? a cute little green civic
10. Favorite sandwich? tuna melt on a pretzel bun from isaac's. mmmm!!!
11. What characteristics do you despise? close-mindedness, arrogance, dishonesty...
12. Favorite item of clothing? my bloomsburg university sweatshirt... soooo comfy!
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? ireland
14. What color is your bathroom? white and boring.
15. Favorite brand of clothing? brands? i'm too poor for brands!
16. Where would you retire to? wherever the important people in my life are at the time
17. Favorite time of day? any time kate and i are laughing on the floor and ryan is giving us peculiar looks.
18. Ears pierced or not? yep.
19. Favorite sport to watch? baseball... but only when the yankess are in the world series.
20. What fabric detergent do you use? tide... mama says it's the best.
21. Are you a morning person or night owl? night owl like whoa... especially lately
22. What is your shoe size? 6. i have teeny feet.
23. Do you have any pets? my goofy springer spaniel, maggie, and our puffy beta fish, renton
25. Favorite holiday? i HEART st. patrick's day to the mizzax. it's my holiday for romance.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Saturday, March 12, 2005
forgive me... this post is very girly for me, but it's too cute... i couldn't resist...
**How to Love A Girl**
Play with her hair. Talk to her in movie theatres. Pick her up and pretend you’re going to throw her in the river; shell scream and fight you but secretly, she’ll love it. Hold her hand and skip. Hold her hand and run. Just hold her hand. Pick flowers from other peoples gardens and give them to her. Tell her she looks pretty. Let her pay for stuff IF she wants to. Introduce her to your friends as “The coolest girl I know”. Sit in the park and talk to her. Take her to the library, and playgrounds, and train stations. Tell her dirty jokes. Tell her stupid jokes. Write poems about her. Just walk around with her. Throw pebbles at her window at night. When she starts yelling at you, tell her you love her. Take her to shows of bands she’s never heard of. Hold her hand in the mosh pit. Let her fall asleep in your arms. Call her. Call her back if she calls you. Sing to her, no matter how bad you are. Carve your names into a tree. Get her mad, then kiss her. Give her piggy-back rides. Give her space if she needs it. Push her on swings. Stay up with her all night when she’s sick. Make up pet names for her, but cool ones, not sappy ones. Teach her guitar. Lend her your cds. Make her mixtapes. Write her letters. If she asks you to go to a show with her, go, even if it means a 5 hour train trip. Take her to cool shops, and let her take you to even cooler ones. Listen to all the bands she mentions. Don’t tell her that her favorite bands suck. When she’s sad, hang out with her or stay on the phone with her, even if she’s not saying anything. Let her take all the photos of you she wants. Look into her eyes. Kiss her in the rain.
**How to Love A Girl**
Play with her hair. Talk to her in movie theatres. Pick her up and pretend you’re going to throw her in the river; shell scream and fight you but secretly, she’ll love it. Hold her hand and skip. Hold her hand and run. Just hold her hand. Pick flowers from other peoples gardens and give them to her. Tell her she looks pretty. Let her pay for stuff IF she wants to. Introduce her to your friends as “The coolest girl I know”. Sit in the park and talk to her. Take her to the library, and playgrounds, and train stations. Tell her dirty jokes. Tell her stupid jokes. Write poems about her. Just walk around with her. Throw pebbles at her window at night. When she starts yelling at you, tell her you love her. Take her to shows of bands she’s never heard of. Hold her hand in the mosh pit. Let her fall asleep in your arms. Call her. Call her back if she calls you. Sing to her, no matter how bad you are. Carve your names into a tree. Get her mad, then kiss her. Give her piggy-back rides. Give her space if she needs it. Push her on swings. Stay up with her all night when she’s sick. Make up pet names for her, but cool ones, not sappy ones. Teach her guitar. Lend her your cds. Make her mixtapes. Write her letters. If she asks you to go to a show with her, go, even if it means a 5 hour train trip. Take her to cool shops, and let her take you to even cooler ones. Listen to all the bands she mentions. Don’t tell her that her favorite bands suck. When she’s sad, hang out with her or stay on the phone with her, even if she’s not saying anything. Let her take all the photos of you she wants. Look into her eyes. Kiss her in the rain.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
"The whole idea of everybody wanting to be somebody new was an important insight in terms of liking God. God was selling something I wanted. Still, God was in the same boat as the guy selling the knives and Juliet promising to make Romeo new. Everybody exaggerates when they are selling something. Everybody says their product works like magic. At the time I understood God's offer as a magical proposition, which it is. But most magical propositions are just tricks. The older you get, the harder it is to believe in magic. The older you get, the more you understand there is no Wizard of Oz, just a schmuck behind a curtain. I pictured my pastor as a salesman or a magician, trying to trick the congregation into believing Jesus could make us new. And, honestly, I felt as though he was trying to convince himself, as though he only half believed what he was saying. It's not that Christian spirituality seemed like a complete con, it's just that it had some of those elements.
The message, however, was appealing to me. God said he would make me new. I can't pretend for a seond I didn't want to be made new, that I didn't want to start again. I did"
*from Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller... great book...
The message, however, was appealing to me. God said he would make me new. I can't pretend for a seond I didn't want to be made new, that I didn't want to start again. I did"
*from Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller... great book...
Saturday, March 05, 2005
ok, i haven't even been home for 12 hours, and i already miss lancaster and those who live there... or in the vicinity. i'm having some serious doubts about living here for the summer. i don't think i can do it. my mother and i went to wal mart today (if you want to see what people are like around here, go to wal mart) and i was dumbfounded by the clientele. it hasn't been that long since i've been home, but evidently long enough for me to forget what people are really like around here. i can't take it. if i have to live here for three months, i will surely go insane. on top of that, there are people in the southern part of the state whom i don't think i could live without for three whole months...
Monday, February 28, 2005
well he's done it. ryan has successfully chosen horror films that "penetrate my psyche" as he put it. before last night i had never had a bad dream (that i can remember) after watching a scary movie. we watched house of 1000 corpses and evil dead last night. both were substantially screwed up in their own unique ways, but i think house of 1000 corpses wins for most screwed up movie of the evening (i have yet to determine if ryan will come through with a more horrifying film). i should have known it would take a film written and directed by rob zombie to thoroughly freak me out. i'm actually quite surprised the dream didn't involve a scary clown. if you don't know, i am scared to death of clowns. i think i'd rather eat a huge steak than be near a clown. this, i assume, is why ryan chose that movie in the first place. what a sweetheart he is. 
my goal now is to recover before thursday's session of scary movies. this time it's gonna be texas chain saw massacre 2 and exorcist: beginning. i'm not too sure anything will be worse than house of 1ooo corpses. we'll see...
my goal now is to recover before thursday's session of scary movies. this time it's gonna be texas chain saw massacre 2 and exorcist: beginning. i'm not too sure anything will be worse than house of 1ooo corpses. we'll see...
Saturday, February 26, 2005
i've gotten absolutely nothing accomplished today. i woke up at 10, ate breakfast, talked to ma for a little while, took a shower, then went grocery shopping. i had intended to work on my social stratification mid-term when i got back from the grocery store, but i fell asleep instead. five hours of sleep just wasn't cutting it for me.
last night kate and i sat on the floor talking and being goofy from 11:30pm to 4:30am. this may sound dumb, but it was a great time. it's exactly what i needed last night. i couldn't have asked for a better roommate. i had been feeling kinda sappy (as evidenced by my last post), so she came to see if i was ok, and well... as i've already stated, we ended up talking for 5 hours. i don't know how she does it, but she always manages to make me feel one thousand times better. i think i'd go crazy if it weren't for her. i don't know what i'm going to do after we graduate...
when i got back from the grocery store i decided to lay down on the couch and watch tv for a few minutes. two hours later i woke up to the haunting. that is possibly the cheesiest "scary" movie i've ever seen, but for some reason i couldn't stop watching it. this was not the best idea, because although it wasn't scary at the time, i'm here alone til monday, and now i keep thinking i hear and see things that aren't there. i'm such a dork. i can't believe i'm admitting to the fact that the haunting has me even the slightest bit freaked out. i watched stir of echoes and texas chain saw massacre with ryan the other night and i was fine, but i'm jumpy after watching the haunting. evidently i can't handle scary movies when i'm alone. who's a nerd? yeah, me.
last night kate and i sat on the floor talking and being goofy from 11:30pm to 4:30am. this may sound dumb, but it was a great time. it's exactly what i needed last night. i couldn't have asked for a better roommate. i had been feeling kinda sappy (as evidenced by my last post), so she came to see if i was ok, and well... as i've already stated, we ended up talking for 5 hours. i don't know how she does it, but she always manages to make me feel one thousand times better. i think i'd go crazy if it weren't for her. i don't know what i'm going to do after we graduate...
when i got back from the grocery store i decided to lay down on the couch and watch tv for a few minutes. two hours later i woke up to the haunting. that is possibly the cheesiest "scary" movie i've ever seen, but for some reason i couldn't stop watching it. this was not the best idea, because although it wasn't scary at the time, i'm here alone til monday, and now i keep thinking i hear and see things that aren't there. i'm such a dork. i can't believe i'm admitting to the fact that the haunting has me even the slightest bit freaked out. i watched stir of echoes and texas chain saw massacre with ryan the other night and i was fine, but i'm jumpy after watching the haunting. evidently i can't handle scary movies when i'm alone. who's a nerd? yeah, me.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Sunday, February 20, 2005
yesterday was spec-TAC-ular. before bryan, katie, ryan, and i left for baltimore i made pancakes for everyone. it was a messy experience. i had pancake batter all over- from the counter to my jeans. they were rather good though, so it was worth it.
when we got to baltimore (without getting lost or getting a speeding ticket, surprisingly) we went to the huge barnes and noble which i translate as, "heaven". mmm... i love books! from there we went to a place called California pizza for lunch, and then to a bunch of little shops. here's a picture of me and katie in one of them...
and here's one of me and some crazy leprechaun in the hat shop...
from there we went back to the car (and paid $15 for parking! madness i tell you!), and headed to edgar allen poe's gravesite. it was awesome. i love old gravestones, and there's just something about being in a cemetery that calms me. here's a picture of poe's gravestone. the weird thing is, that green hue you see in the picture was not evident to any of us when we were there. spooky, huh?
i didn't realize how cool baltimore is before yesterday. it had been a while since i was there, and at that time i didn't notice much about it. i could definitely deal with living there if i decide to go to the university of maryland. i'm not sure if i'll be able to decide between there and boston... it's gonna be tough. either way... i'm really looking forward to getting out of pennsylvania.
when we got to baltimore (without getting lost or getting a speeding ticket, surprisingly) we went to the huge barnes and noble which i translate as, "heaven". mmm... i love books! from there we went to a place called California pizza for lunch, and then to a bunch of little shops. here's a picture of me and katie in one of them...
and here's one of me and some crazy leprechaun in the hat shop...
from there we went back to the car (and paid $15 for parking! madness i tell you!), and headed to edgar allen poe's gravesite. it was awesome. i love old gravestones, and there's just something about being in a cemetery that calms me. here's a picture of poe's gravestone. the weird thing is, that green hue you see in the picture was not evident to any of us when we were there. spooky, huh?
i didn't realize how cool baltimore is before yesterday. it had been a while since i was there, and at that time i didn't notice much about it. i could definitely deal with living there if i decide to go to the university of maryland. i'm not sure if i'll be able to decide between there and boston... it's gonna be tough. either way... i'm really looking forward to getting out of pennsylvania.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
so i spent 4 hours at the diner last night. crazy. i can't believe we were there til 1:30, but i had a great time. getting up for class this morning was a little rough, but it was well worth it.
this weekend promises to be a load of fun! on friday we're having a slumber party here equipped with makep-up and scary movies! (i'm so excited!) then on saturday morning, we're gonna have a (hopefully) lovely pancake breakfast before we head to baltimore for the day. (woo, baltimore!) we've been talking about going to baltimore for the past 2 years, so i'm thrilled that we're finally going. i can't wait! road trips with good friends are the best cure for cabin fever (or any other kind of "ailment" for that matter).
i've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. everybody wants one, yet most end in heartbreak. so how do you have a relationship without getting hurt or hurting the other person? and what happens when it does end? should you try to retain a friendship, or cut all ties? i really wish i had these answers. i wish i knew how to make a relationship work. i'm tired of dating. i just want to find the right guy and live happily ever after...
this weekend promises to be a load of fun! on friday we're having a slumber party here equipped with makep-up and scary movies! (i'm so excited!) then on saturday morning, we're gonna have a (hopefully) lovely pancake breakfast before we head to baltimore for the day. (woo, baltimore!) we've been talking about going to baltimore for the past 2 years, so i'm thrilled that we're finally going. i can't wait! road trips with good friends are the best cure for cabin fever (or any other kind of "ailment" for that matter).
i've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. everybody wants one, yet most end in heartbreak. so how do you have a relationship without getting hurt or hurting the other person? and what happens when it does end? should you try to retain a friendship, or cut all ties? i really wish i had these answers. i wish i knew how to make a relationship work. i'm tired of dating. i just want to find the right guy and live happily ever after...
Monday, February 14, 2005
ah, valentine's day. the weather today was absolutely perfect for this particular holiday. i couldn't be happier with it.
i made it through the day with the aid of some lovely websites from friends who understand my hatred for the holiday. one site has wonderful e-cards that express the gloom of the day. so i sent one to ryan, who, believe it or not, hates valentine's day as much or maybe even more than i do. the unfortunate (or rather hilarious) part is that the subject line read: jess has sent you vd! classic.
on a less negative note, i spent much of the afternoon sleeping and moping around cuz my head was throbbing, and i otherwise felt pretty gross. what valentine's day would be complete without a little nausea? i do feel quite a bit better now, though. if i had to guess i'd say it's because i know this horrible holiday is almost over for another year. and tomorrow, ryan and i are going to celebrate that with 5 gay men (the queer eye guys)! it doesn't get much better than that!
i made it through the day with the aid of some lovely websites from friends who understand my hatred for the holiday. one site has wonderful e-cards that express the gloom of the day. so i sent one to ryan, who, believe it or not, hates valentine's day as much or maybe even more than i do. the unfortunate (or rather hilarious) part is that the subject line read: jess has sent you vd! classic.
on a less negative note, i spent much of the afternoon sleeping and moping around cuz my head was throbbing, and i otherwise felt pretty gross. what valentine's day would be complete without a little nausea? i do feel quite a bit better now, though. if i had to guess i'd say it's because i know this horrible holiday is almost over for another year. and tomorrow, ryan and i are going to celebrate that with 5 gay men (the queer eye guys)! it doesn't get much better than that!
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