i LOVE To Kill a Mockingbird... i read this part this morning, and since i'm super early to computer lab, i thought i'd share it with all of you... to give you a little background, the person talking (Atticus Finch) is the father of the two main characters and he's explaining why he made his son read to the grouchy old woman who lived down the street...

"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do."

i think that's a great explanation of courage. i've been thinking about things like that lately in regards to this country. a few weeks ago in film we watched a documentary about the vietnam war. the director did a great job of portraying this country's attitude that courage requires wielding a gun and winning no matter what. i wish more people thought of courage in the way Atticus Finch does... maybe we'd find some peace...

i've come to two separate but related conclusions in the past two days. first, i've realized that i'm not cut out for life in a capitalist society. i'm too damn lazy. plus, i hate the idea that i'm going to have to spend the rest of my life working. yesterday i passed a man and his (what i assumed to be) daughter playing in a park, and i thought to myself "huh. it's weird that that guy is home in the middle of the day on a monday." and then i thought "that really shouldn't be weird. that's the way it should be. people should be able to spend time with the ones they love rather than sitting behind a desk all day (or whatever they might do for work) making money just so they can survive in this society." then i began wondering how we got to the point where money is so much more important to us than family and friends. how did we begin placing such importance on material wealth? there's nothing about money and prestige that is inherantly valuable, so what made it so valuable to us? i told kate about these thoughts in class last night, so we both decided to create our own countries. mine is called "jesstopia". it is a small island shaped like a hershey kiss of the "locum ocean" (hehehe... yeah, i thought that one up all by myself). her's is called "kathrynia", and it is shaped somewhat like a heart (shocking from her, right?) . we plan to live in our countries and enjoy the company of the people we love rather than working our asses off to reach some unattainable goal. if anyone else feels like they're not cut out for capitalism, come join us. there will always be room for other "pinko commie bastards" (in the words of dr. schaffer).

the second realization is a little more shallow, but equally important. school should end the instant the weather starts being nice. it's soooooo difficult to get anything accomplished when the sun is shining and birds are chirping. i realize that not everyone enjoys sunshine as much as i do, but they should... and they will.

ok, so i know i said i had two realizations, but i just remembered another one that i had while driving earlier today: life is beautiful. the people in my life are beautiful. and i am a happy girl.

i think i need therapy.

i can't understand why i allow myself to get so stressed out that it makes me physically ill. the things going on in my life right now aren't even that stressful. i don't understand myself, and i think i need counseling. i really hate this aspect of myself. it seems so weak to me to respond to situations this way, and those who know me know how much i dislike being weak. so today i decided i was going to choose to think positively, and not worry about things that i have no control over. i was going to enjoy life for what it is. i did fairly well, but still found myself worrying and stressing from time to time. i never realized how much of a control freak i am until lately. i don't know if i've changed or if i've simply begun to notice this part of my personality. either way, i don't like it. i want to enjoy every minute of my life-- even the unknown (which is my least favorite aspect of life right now). i want to see the unknown as something exciting, not terrifying. i want to lose my fear of falling...