i had such a great weekend. it's so good to come home and spend time with people who really understand and care about me. i've been so blessed with wonderful parents (and an equally but differently wonderful dog... haha) and friends.

friday night i just kinda relaxed and hung out with my parents. it's funny to think that, at one point in my life, i thought they were the biggest dorks. now they're two of my best friends...

saturday night brandon and i went cruising through bloomsburg like the cool kids we are. haha... it was so great. we listened to dumb music and did a little car dancing. then we went to visit his friends, carrie and michelle, who are loads of fun. after that we came back to my house and sat on the couch talking (for about 4 hours) about everything from the war on terror to relationships and just about everything in between. i honestly think that if i had a brother, he would be just like brandon. growing up i always wanted a big brother that would look out for me. i couldn't have a "real" older brother, so God gave me brandon. so beyond getting the sisters that i never thought i'd have, i got a brother too (when one of them fell in love with the crazy kid ). i'm a very lucky girl.

today i went to church, which is always good. i got to talk to miss joan for a little while. she's so encouraging. then ma and i went out to penn state lehman for the craft show and met my aunt annie, aunt susie, uncle tony, and my cousin kelly. the family thing overall is still pretty dismal, but there are good things too. i've gotten a lot closer to some of my aunts, uncles, and cousins, and i'm happy about that. gotta focus on the positive...

on that note, i'm off to bed. g'night kids... much love...

i really have no words for this... but i had to share anyway...

mark: s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s;s
BuTtErFlYcHiK84: ?
mark: it was fun
BuTtErFlYcHiK84: what was it?
mark: try two letters
BuTtErFlYcHiK84: hahahaha
BuTtErFlYcHiK84: you are the biggest dork
mark: cncncncncncncncncncn
BuTtErFlYcHiK84: oh my soul
mark: it can look cool if you pick the right letters
BuTtErFlYcHiK84: more evidence that you were called to be a youth leader
mark: cpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcpcp

so it's been a while...

all i really have to say is, thank heaven for good friends and the knowledge that no matter what, i'm gonna be ok...


so many questions... so few answers...


someday it will all be clear...

Psalm 20

1GOD answer you on the day you crash,
The name God--of-Jacob put you out of harm's reach,
2Send reinforcements from Holy Hill,
Dispatch from Zion fresh supplies,
3Exclaim over your offerings,
Celebrate your sacrifices,
4Give you what your heart desires,
Accomplish your plans.

5When you win, we plan to raise the roof
and lead the parade with our banners.
May all your wishes come true!

6That clinches it--help's coming,
an answer's on the way,
everything's going to work out.

7See those people polishing their chariots,
and those others grooming their horses?
But we're making garlands for GOD our God.
8The chariots will rust,
those horses pull up lame--
and we'll be on our feet, standing tall.

9Make the king a winner, GOD;
the day we call, give us your answer.

i have the best friends ever...

Bslong034: you and i
Bslong034: i think were bro and sister in heaven before God sent us down



i'm so blessed...

Psalm 31

14Desperate, I throw myself on you:
you are my God!
15Hour by hour I place my days in your hand,
safe from the hands out to get me.
16Warm me, your servant, with a smile;
save me because you love me.
17Don't embarrass me by not showing up;
I've given you plenty of notice.
Embarrass the wicked, stand them up,
leave them stupidly shaking their heads
as they drift down to hell.
18Gag those loudmouthed liars
who heckle me, your follower,
with jeers and catcalls.

19What a stack of blessing you have piled up
for those who worship you,
Ready and waiting for all who run to you
to escape an unkind world.
20You hide them safely away
from the opposition.
As you slam the door on those oily, mocking faces,
you silence the poisonous gossip.
21Blessed GOD!
His love is the wonder of the world.
Trapped by a siege, 22I panicked.
"Out of sight, out of mind," I said.
But you heard me say it,
you heard and listened.

23Love GOD, all you saints;
GOD takes care of all who stay close to him,
But he pays back in full
those arrogant enough to go it alone.

24Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up.
Expect GOD to get here soon.

On Purpose

When a cowboy applied for an insurance policy, the agent asked, "Have you ever had any accidents?" After a moment's reflection, the applicant responded, "Nope, but a bronc did kick in two of my ribs last summer, and a couple of years ago a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle."

"Wouldn't you call those accidents?" replied the puzzled agent. "Naw," the cowboy said, "they did it on purpose!"

That story reminds me of the biblical truth that there are no accidents in the lives of God's children. In today's Scripture (Gen. 50: 15-21), we read how Joseph interpreted a difficult experience that had seemed like a great calamity. He had been thrown into a pit and then sold as a slave. This was a great test of his faith, and from the human standpoint it appeared to be a tragic case of injustice, not a providential means of blessing. But Joseph later learned that "God meant it for good" (Gen. 50:20).

Are you passing through the deep waters of a trial and disappointment? Does everything seem to be going against you? These apparent misfortunes are not accidents. The Lord allows such things for a blessed purpose. So patiently trust Him. If you know the Lord, someday you will praise Him for it all!

-Richard DeHann

* from Our Daily Bread

Psalm 25

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
2 in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.
4 Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths;
5 guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
7 Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD.
8 Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
11 For the sake of your name, O LORD, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
13 He will spend his days in prosperity, and his descendants will inherit the land.
14 The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.
18 Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.
19 See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me!
20 Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.
22 Redeem Israel, O God, from all their troubles!

i have never felt more stupid in all my life.


i don't know how to fix it...

i am the biggest dork.

so it's after midnight, and i'm trying to go to sleep cause i have a class at 8 tomorrow morning. but i can't sleep. why you ask? cause i can't stop thinking about the silly bloomsburg fair. i'm so stinking excited to go home this weekend and eat all the wonderful fair food. mmmmmm...

there's just something about the fair. granted, it's exactly the same from year to year, but somehow it never gets old. maybe that's what makes it special... it's just like bloomsburg... always the same... there aren't too many things in this world that are unchanging, but the bloomsburg fair (as well as bloomsburg in general) comes pretty close. i have such great memories of the fair from the time i was really little to even last year. i remember my parents taking me to see all the animals when i was really young, and i remember my grandmother coming with us one year, and of course there are all the times i went in high school. i can't believe we used to go every day. oh man, we were such nerds. hopefully i'll create equally wonderful memories this year...

g'night kids... much love...

I HATE THIS BLASTED APARTMENT!!!!!!!

i cannot wait to move out... only 8 more months...





(i don't have the energy to explain... if you're that curious, read katie's blog)

hehe... sorry boys... it was just too funny not to share.

i feel that i must share with you some pictures from this weekend, cause, well... they're just too darn cute not to share!

the prize for the quotation of the day goes to mark :

mark: I'm telling you, you're a drug


thanks... i think...

how funny is this picture!?! it's from when we went to hershey for halloween 2 years ago. i have no idea what i was looking at that made me look so horrified. haha... good times, good times.

well, my first day of classes went pretty well. i think i'm really going to like the two i had today. i really cannot understand why i thought i wanted to be an editor. i LOVE sociology classes. it makes so much more sense for me to go into social work than to become an editor. sometimes i think someone else should make decisions for me.

speaking of decisions, i was just on the phone talking to my mother about graduate schools. last fall i started looking at the university of maryland and marywood. for a while i was thinking about applying to temple, boston college, and boston university as well, but i've ruled them out on the basis of not wanting to take GRE's or living eight hours (or something) away from bloomsburg. so it looks like i'll just be applying to marywood and maryland. i hate decisions though. i can see myself getting really stressed out about this one. there's just so much to consider, and so little information to go on at this point. i'm so impatient... and i just hate not knowing what i'm doing next. i like to have a plan. i know it will all work out eventually, and i'll wonder why i was so stressed out about it, but right now i'm a little worried. maybe i'll just try eeny meeny miney moe. sound good?

on a rather different note... the kateness is coming home with me this weekend!!!!! i'm so excited. hopefully i'll be able to get some of my buds together on saturday night to take her out to all the happenin' places in bloomsburg. hehe i'm sure it will be like nothing she's ever experienced before.

and now i must go to bed, cause i'm way tired. g'night, kids... much love...

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


(for various reasons... you'd just have to be in my head)

oh... i just LOVE it when i can't fall asleep.


stupid brain...

mark has this song on his xanga... and well, i felt the need to steal this part of it and post it here. it's just been that kind of week...


and i can't understand, all that you allow
i just can't see the reason
but my life is in your hands and though i cannot see you
i choose to trust you


*hugs* for mark... and others who may have had a rough week...

i've decided that this living alone stuff has got to end. i'm about to lose my mind!!!


luckily, i only have a few more days...

i miss my bloomsburg buddies like whoa!

this weekend was another great one... saturday ma and i made a big dinner for all my buds (well... not all... some weren't able to come... and they were missed ) it was spectacular. my mother can COOK! it was seriously the best eggplant parmesan i have ever eaten. it's really too bad that i didn't inherit any of the cooking genes. anyway, i had a great time with everybody. i know i say it a lot, but i really love those guys. the greatest thing about the time we spend together is that we don't do anything. haha... we just sit around being goofy and having a blast.

then yesterday the parents and i went to eagle's mere to the arts and crafts festival. we walked up to the booth where you pay to get in and as my father was paying the woman, she asked, "is she 16?" um... yeah... i'm 21. i LOVE that she thought i was under 16. i suppose that will be a good thing in about 30 years, but right now it's kinda frustrating. eh well... we had a good laugh.

we came home, ate, and i did a little homework and then started to get my stuff together in order to leave. as i was doing this, my mother was watching the PGA tournament to see if she could spot jay in the crowd (she was convinced that she'd be able to see him amongst the throngs of people), and as she was watching, a severe weather alert came across the screen. the weather service was calling for severe thunderstorms all across the state, so long story short, i stayed in bloomsburg last night and got up at 6:30 this morning to drive back here to go to class at 10:15. i am beat. i laid around all afternoon and slept for over and hour or so, and i'm still tired. it was nice to get to stay an extra night though. we all (including the mags) sat on the porch for a while... then daddy went to bed cause he has to get up at an hour that doesn't even exist to me... so then ma and i sat out there and chatted about life. i'm so blessed to have the parents i have. not many people can say that their parents are their best friends. i'm glad i can.

speaking of best friends... sarah's family moved to new jersey today. that is so very weird to me. it's hard to believe she won't be living in that house anymore. i'm sure it's weird to her as well. but i hope she knows she is always welcomed to crash at my house if she's feeling homesick or just wants a homecooked meal. my parents would absolutely love it. change is hard... but as miss joan always says, it's the only thing that's constant.

and now i'm off to work on statistics. this is my last week (i hope)... my final is on thursday, so if you need me before then, i'll probably be in the livingroom studying til my eyes begin to bleed. (sorry katie)

love to all...

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
-Jeremiah 29:13

what a great weekend...

last night i got to hang out with my best buds in bloomsburg. it was absolutely wonderful. i forgot how much i love being with all of them. first shell, brandon, jay and i hung out at brandon's grandmother's pool for a little while. then cj, greg and lindsay met us back at my house, and we just sat around talking all night. shell, brandon, and jay stayed til about 2 in the morning. it has been a really long time since shell has hung out that late. i was trying to remember the last time... i think it was 3 years ago, right after her birthday, when the four of us sat on my front porch talkin' til 2am. i have some great memories with those guys. i'm so thankful that they're all a part of my life. it was just so reviving to be with them last night. i really needed that. and it really meant a lot to me for shell to stay out so late, cause she doesn't often do that. i feel special.

i have this quote in my profile that says, "when i find myself fading, i close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy". that couldn't be more true for me. those guys really are my energy. i miss them so much when i'm not home. i'm just able to be more of myself when i'm with them, and that's such a great feeling.

so thank you guys for an incredible night... you mean the world to me... love ya bunches...

It is customary to blame secular science and anti-religious philosophy for the eclipse of religion in modern society. It would be more honest to blame religion for its own defeats. Religion declined not because it was refuted, but because it became irrelevant, dull, oppressive, insipid. When faith is completely replaced by creed, worship by discipline, love by habit; when the crisis of today is ignored because of the splendor of the past; when faith becomes an heirloom rather than a living fountain; when religion speaks only in the name of authority rather than with the voice of compassion - its message becomes meaningless.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel




(side note: mark sent this to me, just so everyone knows and he doesn't start whining again)

happy birthday, sar!!!

I DON'T WANNA BE IN COLLEGE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!

so i spent all day yesterday and most of today outside at a soccer tournament in york. guess who didn't put sunscreen on her back? for some reason i didn't think i'd get burnt. wrong. so wrong. i'm so sore right now. and it sucks that i live alone, cause it's kinda hard to put aloe on my own back. *ugh*

the weekend was a lot of fun though. it made me miss playing soccer... even though i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i'm in no shape to play anymore. it'd be fun to just play around though. i was really impressed by the over 30 and 40 year old teams. i doubt i'll even be able to run by the time i'm that age, let alone play in a soccer tournament. maybe i should quit bein' so lazy.

i can't believe tomorrow is august 1st. the summer went so fast. to be honest, i'm kinda glad that it's almost over. i'm getting tired of living alone, and i want my last year of college to start... so it can end... all i have to do is get through intro to stats and then soc. stats, which has been a challenge so far... and will continue to be, i'm sure. stupid math. who needs it?

this weekend went so fast... tomorrow's monday already... the only good thing about that is that it's one day closer to me going home on saturday. i'm really looking forward to being in bloomsburg again. it's crazy how much i miss home lately. it's probably just because i'm tired of being here. lancaster just isn't as friendly as bloomsburg. throughout high school i thought all i wanted to do was get out of bloomsburg, but over the past 3 years i've learned to appreciate it a lot more. it'll always be home...

i already have senioritis to the max, and the school year hasn't even started yet. i really hope the next 10 months go quickly.

on another note, this weekend went way too quickly. it was so great to get to spend some quality time with my kateness. saturday afternoon we laid outside for a while, went to the pool, made dinner for ourselves, and then went to t.j. rockwell's in e-town for some drinks. it was a great time. i miss her already!

tomorrow starts the second week of statistics... which means only 4 weeks to go. i cannot tell you how much i loathe math. i cannot wait for this class to be over! it's been pretty stressful so far, and it's bound to get worse. *ugh*

and i'm already looking forward to the weekend. it should be quite nice.

g'night, kids... much love...

i miss bloomsburg. i miss my parents. i miss maggie. i miss my friends. i miss my front porch. i miss my backyard. i miss my livingroom. i miss my bedroom. i miss my driveway. i miss it all...

i've decided that weekends should be 5 days and weeks should be 2. this makes much more sense to me. who wants to work 5 days a week and only have 2 off?!? it's unbalanced and just plain wrong.

tomorrow is the last day of my sociology class. the past month has gone so quickly (with the exception of this week). i can't believe the regular school year starts in 6 weeks. good grief! i'm kind of excited though. it's hard to believe, but this is my senior year. that's such a weird thought. in a little less than a year i'll be graduating from college and going off to graduate school somewhere. i don't know where the past four years have gone. it seems like just yesterday i was sitting in front of a fire near the hemsarth's pond with all my friends, talking about starting college. oh, the memories...

so tomorrow i finally get my own drawer at work (haha... i'm so random tonight). i'm quite happy about this, because for the past week or two i've kinda just been standing around doing nothing. it'll be nice to feel like i'm actually doing something useful. i'm working all day on friday, which will probably be a little stressful. the bank is rather busy on fridays since that's the day that most people get paid. hopefully i'll be at the drive-up. i don't feel quite as much pressure there since the customers aren't right in front of me. oooh! and i get paid! woo!

after work i'm heading home again. i have some fun plans for the weekend. it's sure to be a great time. which reminds me... i need to make a phone call...

anyway, i hope everyone is well! *hugs*

this week could not possibly go more slowly!!! argh!!!

"I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."
-John 16:33



much love...

happy birthday, shell!!!

last night the youth group did a "bigger and better" scavenger hunt. they start with a pencil, and go around to houses asking for something bigger and/or better than what they started with to (possibly) be donated to the water street rescue mission. my girls got a bunch of stuffed animals, a couch, and a grill. another group got a dryer. haha... good times. anyway... we can't take everything to the rescue mission, so some of us had to take stuff home. i took a set of livingroom furniture. originally i was only going to take 2 chairs, but i decided to take the couch too, since it was free and all. it's pretty nice stuff. the couch is a little worn, but it's comfy... and again... it's free. hooray for free things!!!

tomorrow i'm working from 8:45- 5:00 and then going home again for the weekend. i'm definitely looking forward to that. last weekend was so great... i'm hoping this one will be just as fun. i never thought i'd miss bloomsburg so much...

happy 21st birthday, ceejer!!!!

i'm a nerd. i miss bloomsburg already. i can't wait to go home again this weekend for the fireworks in millville. that's always a rockin' good time.

i hope everyone had a nice fourth of july. mine was quite lovely.... well, besides getting thoroughly burnt at the parade. you'd think after 21 years of having this skin, i'd know better than to sit outside in the sun for hours without sunscreen on. it was a really great day though...

i wish i could have stayed and gone to the fireworks in bloomsburg with sarah tonight. silly work. i miss my sar.

so i'm home for the weekend. two of my friends got married yesterday. it's so weird. i'm so happy for them though. they're the cutest! the wedding was great. i got to see a bunch of people from high school whom i haven't seen in a long time. and of course i got to see ceej, greg, shell, and boober... which is always a rockin' good time. i drug jay to the wedding with me. i don't think he had the best time in the world, but i was glad he was there. i'm not a big fan of going to weddings alone. it's no good.

after the wedding we went to the millville carnival and then out with some of jay's buds. those boys are crazy, but they're a good time.

i love bloomsburg...

i had a lovely surprise last night. jay came down to lancaster to go to a baseball game and i got to go with him. we had a great time. i even won a dozen roses.

i have great friends... life is good...

*sigh*... can't wait to get home this weekend...

happy birthday, markus carkus!

i officially quit my job at gadzooks tonight. it was awesome. i'm so relieved that i will only be working there a few more days. tonight my manager stood in the doorway of the store talking to a friend and her boyfriend from 5:30 until 7:50. yes, i timed her because this happens all the time. she definitely told me and my co-workers to work on shipment because she "shouldn't have to do it" and then proceeded to stand around talking for almost two and a half hours. i cannot tell you how angry that made me. i wish i was more assertive. i day-dreamed of telling her that i wasn't going to work anymore if she continued standing there doing nothing. i wish i could do things like that. i just don't have the guts. she wasn't very happy when i told her i was starting at the bank on the 27th. she told me i couldn't use her as a reference for future jobs. i wanted to tell her that i wouldn't use her as a reference in a million years because she is the most irresponsible, unprofessional person i've ever worked for, but again, i didn't have the guts. *sigh* maybe one day i'll learn to be more assertive.

on a fairly different note... i have to say i'm still frustrated with church. well... maybe not church, just some people at church. i cannot understand why these people think that women should not be in positions of leadership. there is nothing intrinsic about a woman that makes her unable to be a leader. this is the 21st century. we're not cave people. this shouldn't even be an issue. i also can't understand why these people get so upset about others' choice of clothing. evidently something as insignificant as clothing is more important to these people than caring for students. what kind of message are we sending them if we're arguing over wardrobe? i will say that there are other individuals at church for whom i'm very thankful (they tend to be the people who are more open-minded). so i'll try to focus on the positive aspects of church in order to keep myself sane. forgive my rant... i'm just so tired of close-mindedness.

i feel much better now, so i'm off to bed... g'night all... much love...

katie and i are soul-roommates.

last night before we went to bed we both put the same lyrics to "feeling this" by blink 182 in our away messages (without knowing the other one had done so). i would say we spend too much time together, but we don't anymore now that she's home for the summer. maybe our brains communicate silently over a distance. it could happen.

i just found out today that green day and jimmy eat world are playing in philly in september and i can't get tickets!!!!!! i'm so sad! katie and i thought maybe we could just get separate tickets and just stand together somewhere, but we don't know if they'd let us do that. has anyone been to a concert there before? if you have, let me know if you think we'd be able to do that.

on a very different note... i'm thoroughly frustrated and confused by someone tonight (and have been for some time). i'm just not understanding why things are the way they are right now. i'm usually good at figuring people out, but this person is quite a challenge. i really value their friendship... but i need some kind of reciprocation...

and now i need to stop thinking and go to bed. i hope everyone is well... much love...

from Nicholas Sparks' latest novel, True Believer...

"One day, you're going to learn something that can't be explained with science. And when that happens, your life's going to change in ways you can't imagine..."



the past few days have brought with them several unexpected joys... i have great friends... it's good to be alive...



i hope everyone is well... much love...

i can't find my brian regan cd!!!!

well i was a little skeptical about my birthday, but i have to say i had the best day. i woke up to several birthday greetings... and got some others throughout the day. my parents took me to olive garden for lunch, then later all my buds up here came over for dessert and then took me out for some drinks. it was a great night. i couldn't ask for better friends. thanks for making my birthday special, guys. i love you more than words can say...

woo! 21 in 2 days!!! hehe

if you're in the bloomsburg area on monday night, come on over... we're havin' peach trifle!

i really hate not being needed...

i'm quite restless tonight. i got into bed around 12. it is now 1:30 and i still haven't fallen asleep (obviously). i have a lot on my mind... some things i need to think about, some i really don't. i'm remembering my past... and wondering about my future. i can't change the past and i can't predict the future, so i wish i could just stop thinking and fall asleep. i can't say that i'm a fan of nights like these...

i'm such a sucker for surveys. this one was stolen from miss abigail schleinkofer...

[my name is]: jessica lynne bird
[height?]: 5'3"
[in the morning i am]: totally useless
[all i need is]: "love, love... love is all you need..."
[love is]: a mystery
[i'm afraid of]: being hurt... hurting someone else
[i dream about]: lately i've had several dreams about ex-boyfriends... they were all hanging out together... little weird.
-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-
[been in love]: yep
[cried when someone died]: absolutely
[lied]: yeah
-W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-
[coke or pepsi]: i don't really like either, but pepsi's better
[flowers or candy]: if the candy is chocolate... definitely candy
[tall or short]: hhhmm... depends on what we're talking about...
-W I T H . T H E . O P P O S I T E . S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: eyes... mmm... eyes
[last person you slow danced with]: probably jay... haha... nothing like dancing to no music ;)
[worst question to ask]: uh... no idea
-W H O-
[makes you laugh?]: katie patatie... pretty much all my friends
[makes you smile]: my friends...
[gives you a funny feeling when you see them]: ...
[who do you have a crush on?]: let's see... johnny depp, ewan mcgregor...
[has a crush on you?]: hah. i'm gonna guess no one
[easiest to talk to]: katie, sarah, mark, ryan, jay, mama :)
-D O . Y O U . E V E R-
[Stay on aim, waitin for someone special to IM you]: bleck.
[save aol/aim conversations]: trillian saves them automatically... sometimes that's not so good for me...
[wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: oh heavens no!
[cry because of someone saying something to you]: i wish i could say i was stronger than that, but i'm not
-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend]: yep. it was rough, but i'm hopeful that the friendship will be restored...
[been rejected?]: yep
[rejected someone]: yeah :(
[used someone]: unfortunately, i think i have.
[done something you regret]: oh yeah. many things...
-W H O . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: probably ma
[hugged]: katie
[you instant messaged]: boober
[instant messaged you?]: markus carkus
[you laughed with]:the kateness
-D O . Y O U / / A R E . Y O U-
[color your hair]: nope
[habla espanol]: ugh
[smoke cigarettes]: ew
[obsessive]: with certain things
[could you live without the computer?]: probably not
[how many peeps are on your buddylist?]: there are no peeps on my buddy list. there are a little over 100 people on it though...
[what's your favorite food?]: any kind of pasta
[whats your favorite fruit?]: grapes
[drink alcohol?]: i'm gonna plead the 5th on this one too since i won't be 21 for another couple days...
[like watching sunrises or sunset]: sunsets... sigh... i love sunsets!
[what hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?]: emotional. without a doubt.
[trust others way too easily?]: ha. trust? what's that?

I know it's a cornball thing but
love is passion, obsession, someone
you can't live without. If you
don't start with that, what are you
going to end up with? I say fall
head over heels. Find someone you
can love like crazy and who'll love
you the same way back. And how do
you find him? Forget your head and
listen to your heart. I'm not
hearing any heart.
Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll
come back. Because, the truth is
there is no sense living your life
without this. To make the journey
and not fall deeply in love -- well,
you haven't lived a life at all.
You have to try. Because if you
haven't tried, you haven't lived.

-Meet Joe Black

there's no place like home...

last night i went to visit jay in j-town. when i got there he hadn't eaten yet, so we decided to go to the jerseytown tavern. for those who don't know, the jerseytown tavern is just about the only place in jerseytown, so most of the people there on a given night are regulars who all know each other. if they don't all know each other, they pretty much all know jay and his family. so as we walked in and sat down a number of people came over to jay to say hi. we sat there chatting with each other and some of the waitresses whom jay tortures each and every time he goes in there to eat (which is pretty often... those poor women). the best part was... wednesday nights are bluegrass nights at the tavern. it was so much fun. the guy who plays the banjo is amazing. i've never seen anyone's fingers move so quickly in my life. i wish i could describe the tavern and the night more fully, but it's something you'd have to experience for yourself to understand. i had such a great time. it's good to be home...

this is a great article. i'll give you the first couple lines, and if you want to read more... click here...

Neither party owns the rights to Christianity
Consider Christianity.
It is a faith broad enough to encompass everything from a pope in Rome to a missionary in South America to a snake handler in Appalachia. Apparently, however, it is not broad enough to encompass a Democrat in North Carolina.

i'd love to know what you think...

stolen from mark's blog...

Once you label me you negate me.
-Soren Kierkegaard

and...

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
-Soren Kierkegaard

it's good to be home...

i'm really enjoying spending time with my bloomsburg buds. i had forgotten how much i miss these guys. the past few days have reminded me of some good times we've had together in the past. it's good to know that no matter how far apart we are or how much time has passed since we've seen each other, we're still great friends. i love you guys to pieces!

life is good...

life has been a little insane lately... hence my failure to post...

i had a great talk with someone yesterday about my fear of failing and about my reflex to run when i get hurt... particularly when i'm hurt by 'christians'. it was good to hear that he sometimes feels the same way i do about the church. i'm just so tired of the same old things (how can you be a democrat and a christian? i swear, if i hear that one more time my head is going to explode), so a few months ago i kinda ran away. i'm not really sure that i regret it though. i needed time... i needed space. it just hurts me that so often i'm not accepted in christian organizations because i think differently than most 'christians'. why can't we appreciate our differences and learn from one another!?! why do you have to be right, and i have to be wrong? so i'm a democrat (really... i'm probably more of a socialist... can't wait for the comments on that), so i don't have a problem with drinking, so i swear from time to time (ok, a lot of times), so i like tattoos and piercings... that doesn't make me any less of a christian than the guy in the pew on sunday morning in his khakis and polo shirt. i'm just so tired of defending myself. i'm tired of us not getting along. i'm tired of the bullshit that doesn't matter. so since i was hurt and tired i ran away. but lately i've been realizing that that isn't going to solve anything. it will just mean that all of those 'christians' that hurt me and my friends will get away with what they did, and that is really not okay with me. after many conversations with a number of people, i've decided that i need to do something about this, and i'm not going to be able to change anything if i avoid the problem. so i'm going to try to get back into the church thing. i'm sure this isn't going to be easy for me, but i'm going to try because i'm tired of church being the way it is. i'm tired of many other 'christians' making me look like a heartless asshole. we'll see how it goes...

i LOVE To Kill a Mockingbird... i read this part this morning, and since i'm super early to computer lab, i thought i'd share it with all of you... to give you a little background, the person talking (Atticus Finch) is the father of the two main characters and he's explaining why he made his son read to the grouchy old woman who lived down the street...

"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do."

i think that's a great explanation of courage. i've been thinking about things like that lately in regards to this country. a few weeks ago in film we watched a documentary about the vietnam war. the director did a great job of portraying this country's attitude that courage requires wielding a gun and winning no matter what. i wish more people thought of courage in the way Atticus Finch does... maybe we'd find some peace...

i've come to two separate but related conclusions in the past two days. first, i've realized that i'm not cut out for life in a capitalist society. i'm too damn lazy. plus, i hate the idea that i'm going to have to spend the rest of my life working. yesterday i passed a man and his (what i assumed to be) daughter playing in a park, and i thought to myself "huh. it's weird that that guy is home in the middle of the day on a monday." and then i thought "that really shouldn't be weird. that's the way it should be. people should be able to spend time with the ones they love rather than sitting behind a desk all day (or whatever they might do for work) making money just so they can survive in this society." then i began wondering how we got to the point where money is so much more important to us than family and friends. how did we begin placing such importance on material wealth? there's nothing about money and prestige that is inherantly valuable, so what made it so valuable to us? i told kate about these thoughts in class last night, so we both decided to create our own countries. mine is called "jesstopia". it is a small island shaped like a hershey kiss of the "locum ocean" (hehehe... yeah, i thought that one up all by myself). her's is called "kathrynia", and it is shaped somewhat like a heart (shocking from her, right?) . we plan to live in our countries and enjoy the company of the people we love rather than working our asses off to reach some unattainable goal. if anyone else feels like they're not cut out for capitalism, come join us. there will always be room for other "pinko commie bastards" (in the words of dr. schaffer).

the second realization is a little more shallow, but equally important. school should end the instant the weather starts being nice. it's soooooo difficult to get anything accomplished when the sun is shining and birds are chirping. i realize that not everyone enjoys sunshine as much as i do, but they should... and they will.

ok, so i know i said i had two realizations, but i just remembered another one that i had while driving earlier today: life is beautiful. the people in my life are beautiful. and i am a happy girl.

i think i need therapy.

i can't understand why i allow myself to get so stressed out that it makes me physically ill. the things going on in my life right now aren't even that stressful. i don't understand myself, and i think i need counseling. i really hate this aspect of myself. it seems so weak to me to respond to situations this way, and those who know me know how much i dislike being weak. so today i decided i was going to choose to think positively, and not worry about things that i have no control over. i was going to enjoy life for what it is. i did fairly well, but still found myself worrying and stressing from time to time. i never realized how much of a control freak i am until lately. i don't know if i've changed or if i've simply begun to notice this part of my personality. either way, i don't like it. i want to enjoy every minute of my life-- even the unknown (which is my least favorite aspect of life right now). i want to see the unknown as something exciting, not terrifying. i want to lose my fear of falling...

the best things in life are always unexpected...

"and it's 1:45, and I'm feeling alive..."

i love sunday nights. last night at dinner, kate and i decided that after going to see a film on campus we were going to bake a pound cake. and bake we did. we are officially the coolest people in the world. who else starts baking a cake at 9pm on a whim? shortly after we began baking, mr. sparky evergreen showed up at the apartment and immediately began creating ridiculous phrases with our letter magnets. the kid sat there in front of the fridge for close to an hour. that is dedication, my friends. or possibly insanity. of course, while he was doing this, kate and i were lying on the floor giggling. so i guess we're just as crazy as he is.

when we were finally able to tear ryan away from the refrigerator, we watched a couple episodes of six feet under and devoured the delicious pound cake- which, by the way, was topped with cherry pie filling, chocolate syrup and cool whip... well, at least mine and kate's were... ryan's was plain. how boring.

at one point, while ryan was working on his sentences, kate was cleaning up, the cake was baking, and the trainspotting soundtrack was playing in the background, i was lying on the floor thinking to myself how great my life is. at that moment, i was exceedingly happy and content. i couldn't have possibly asked for better friends. i can't express how blessed i am to have those two in my life. they've become my family, and i honestly don't know what i'd do without them. i feel home when i'm with them, and that my friends, is a wonderful feeling.

in an effort to avoid doing work i stole a survey from katie...

1. What time did you get up this morning? 9:30

2. Diamonds or pearls? diamonds. they're shiny.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? meet the fockers... haha... good times!

4. What is your favorite TV show? gilmore girls!!!! go 'head... make jokes. i can be a girl sometimes.

5. What did you have for breakfast? granola bar and green tea... mmmmm

6. What foods do you dislike? meat of any kind, sweet pickles, olives, spinach, lima beans

7. What is your favorite chip flavor? salt and vinegar is a favorite. sour cream and onion might be a little more favorite though.

8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? the used "in love and death"

9. What kind of car do you drive? a cute little green civic

10. Favorite sandwich? tuna melt on a pretzel bun from isaac's. mmmm!!!

11. What characteristics do you despise? close-mindedness, arrogance, dishonesty...

12. Favorite item of clothing? my bloomsburg university sweatshirt... soooo comfy!

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? ireland

14. What color is your bathroom? white and boring.

15. Favorite brand of clothing? brands? i'm too poor for brands!

16. Where would you retire to? wherever the important people in my life are at the time

17. Favorite time of day? any time kate and i are laughing on the floor and ryan is giving us peculiar looks.

18. Ears pierced or not? yep.

19. Favorite sport to watch? baseball... but only when the yankess are in the world series.

20. What fabric detergent do you use? tide... mama says it's the best.

21. Are you a morning person or night owl? night owl like whoa... especially lately

22. What is your shoe size? 6. i have teeny feet.

23. Do you have any pets? my goofy springer spaniel, maggie, and our puffy beta fish, renton

25. Favorite holiday? i HEART st. patrick's day to the mizzax. it's my holiday for romance.

When Irish eyes are smiling,
Tis like a morn in spring.
With a lilt of Irish laughter
You can hear the angels sing
When Irish hearts are happy
All the world is bright and gay
When Irish eyes are smiling
Sure, they steal your heart away

happy st. patrick's day! i hope everyone's holiday begins as well as mine did...

forgive me... this post is very girly for me, but it's too cute... i couldn't resist...

**How to Love A Girl**
Play with her hair. Talk to her in movie theatres. Pick her up and pretend you’re going to throw her in the river; shell scream and fight you but secretly, she’ll love it. Hold her hand and skip. Hold her hand and run. Just hold her hand. Pick flowers from other peoples gardens and give them to her. Tell her she looks pretty. Let her pay for stuff IF she wants to. Introduce her to your friends as “The coolest girl I know”. Sit in the park and talk to her. Take her to the library, and playgrounds, and train stations. Tell her dirty jokes. Tell her stupid jokes. Write poems about her. Just walk around with her. Throw pebbles at her window at night. When she starts yelling at you, tell her you love her. Take her to shows of bands she’s never heard of. Hold her hand in the mosh pit. Let her fall asleep in your arms. Call her. Call her back if she calls you. Sing to her, no matter how bad you are. Carve your names into a tree. Get her mad, then kiss her. Give her piggy-back rides. Give her space if she needs it. Push her on swings. Stay up with her all night when she’s sick. Make up pet names for her, but cool ones, not sappy ones. Teach her guitar. Lend her your cds. Make her mixtapes. Write her letters. If she asks you to go to a show with her, go, even if it means a 5 hour train trip. Take her to cool shops, and let her take you to even cooler ones. Listen to all the bands she mentions. Don’t tell her that her favorite bands suck. When she’s sad, hang out with her or stay on the phone with her, even if she’s not saying anything. Let her take all the photos of you she wants. Look into her eyes. Kiss her in the rain.

i miss my katie and my ryan. i can't wait to get back to lancaster... i'm losing my mind...

all i can say i shouldn't say
can we take a ride?
get out of this place while we still have time
you want to take a ride?
get out of this place while we still have time
we still have time...


5 more days...

"The whole idea of everybody wanting to be somebody new was an important insight in terms of liking God. God was selling something I wanted. Still, God was in the same boat as the guy selling the knives and Juliet promising to make Romeo new. Everybody exaggerates when they are selling something. Everybody says their product works like magic. At the time I understood God's offer as a magical proposition, which it is. But most magical propositions are just tricks. The older you get, the harder it is to believe in magic. The older you get, the more you understand there is no Wizard of Oz, just a schmuck behind a curtain. I pictured my pastor as a salesman or a magician, trying to trick the congregation into believing Jesus could make us new. And, honestly, I felt as though he was trying to convince himself, as though he only half believed what he was saying. It's not that Christian spirituality seemed like a complete con, it's just that it had some of those elements.
The message, however, was appealing to me. God said he would make me new. I can't pretend for a seond I didn't want to be made new, that I didn't want to start again. I did"

*from Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller... great book...

ok, i haven't even been home for 12 hours, and i already miss lancaster and those who live there... or in the vicinity. i'm having some serious doubts about living here for the summer. i don't think i can do it. my mother and i went to wal mart today (if you want to see what people are like around here, go to wal mart) and i was dumbfounded by the clientele. it hasn't been that long since i've been home, but evidently long enough for me to forget what people are really like around here. i can't take it. if i have to live here for three months, i will surely go insane. on top of that, there are people in the southern part of the state whom i don't think i could live without for three whole months...

well he's done it. ryan has successfully chosen horror films that "penetrate my psyche" as he put it. before last night i had never had a bad dream (that i can remember) after watching a scary movie. we watched house of 1000 corpses and evil dead last night. both were substantially screwed up in their own unique ways, but i think house of 1000 corpses wins for most screwed up movie of the evening (i have yet to determine if ryan will come through with a more horrifying film). i should have known it would take a film written and directed by rob zombie to thoroughly freak me out. i'm actually quite surprised the dream didn't involve a scary clown. if you don't know, i am scared to death of clowns. i think i'd rather eat a huge steak than be near a clown. this, i assume, is why ryan chose that movie in the first place. what a sweetheart he is.

my goal now is to recover before thursday's session of scary movies. this time it's gonna be texas chain saw massacre 2 and exorcist: beginning. i'm not too sure anything will be worse than house of 1ooo corpses. we'll see...

i've gotten absolutely nothing accomplished today. i woke up at 10, ate breakfast, talked to ma for a little while, took a shower, then went grocery shopping. i had intended to work on my social stratification mid-term when i got back from the grocery store, but i fell asleep instead. five hours of sleep just wasn't cutting it for me.

last night kate and i sat on the floor talking and being goofy from 11:30pm to 4:30am. this may sound dumb, but it was a great time. it's exactly what i needed last night. i couldn't have asked for a better roommate. i had been feeling kinda sappy (as evidenced by my last post), so she came to see if i was ok, and well... as i've already stated, we ended up talking for 5 hours. i don't know how she does it, but she always manages to make me feel one thousand times better. i think i'd go crazy if it weren't for her. i don't know what i'm going to do after we graduate...

when i got back from the grocery store i decided to lay down on the couch and watch tv for a few minutes. two hours later i woke up to the haunting. that is possibly the cheesiest "scary" movie i've ever seen, but for some reason i couldn't stop watching it. this was not the best idea, because although it wasn't scary at the time, i'm here alone til monday, and now i keep thinking i hear and see things that aren't there. i'm such a dork. i can't believe i'm admitting to the fact that the haunting has me even the slightest bit freaked out. i watched stir of echoes and texas chain saw massacre with ryan the other night and i was fine, but i'm jumpy after watching the haunting. evidently i can't handle scary movies when i'm alone. who's a nerd? yeah, me.

well it's clear that i'm feeling pretty sappy tonight... i'm listening to dido, sarah mclachlan, and john mayer...

yesterday was spec-TAC-ular. before bryan, katie, ryan, and i left for baltimore i made pancakes for everyone. it was a messy experience. i had pancake batter all over- from the counter to my jeans. they were rather good though, so it was worth it.

when we got to baltimore (without getting lost or getting a speeding ticket, surprisingly) we went to the huge barnes and noble which i translate as, "heaven". mmm... i love books! from there we went to a place called California pizza for lunch, and then to a bunch of little shops. here's a picture of me and katie in one of them...



and here's one of me and some crazy leprechaun in the hat shop...




from there we went back to the car (and paid $15 for parking! madness i tell you!), and headed to edgar allen poe's gravesite. it was awesome. i love old gravestones, and there's just something about being in a cemetery that calms me. here's a picture of poe's gravestone. the weird thing is, that green hue you see in the picture was not evident to any of us when we were there. spooky, huh?




i didn't realize how cool baltimore is before yesterday. it had been a while since i was there, and at that time i didn't notice much about it. i could definitely deal with living there if i decide to go to the university of maryland. i'm not sure if i'll be able to decide between there and boston... it's gonna be tough. either way... i'm really looking forward to getting out of pennsylvania.

so i spent 4 hours at the diner last night. crazy. i can't believe we were there til 1:30, but i had a great time. getting up for class this morning was a little rough, but it was well worth it.

this weekend promises to be a load of fun! on friday we're having a slumber party here equipped with makep-up and scary movies! (i'm so excited!) then on saturday morning, we're gonna have a (hopefully) lovely pancake breakfast before we head to baltimore for the day. (woo, baltimore!) we've been talking about going to baltimore for the past 2 years, so i'm thrilled that we're finally going. i can't wait! road trips with good friends are the best cure for cabin fever (or any other kind of "ailment" for that matter).

i've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. everybody wants one, yet most end in heartbreak. so how do you have a relationship without getting hurt or hurting the other person? and what happens when it does end? should you try to retain a friendship, or cut all ties? i really wish i had these answers. i wish i knew how to make a relationship work. i'm tired of dating. i just want to find the right guy and live happily ever after...

ah, valentine's day. the weather today was absolutely perfect for this particular holiday. i couldn't be happier with it.

i made it through the day with the aid of some lovely websites from friends who understand my hatred for the holiday. one site has wonderful e-cards that express the gloom of the day. so i sent one to ryan, who, believe it or not, hates valentine's day as much or maybe even more than i do. the unfortunate (or rather hilarious) part is that the subject line read: jess has sent you vd! classic.

on a less negative note, i spent much of the afternoon sleeping and moping around cuz my head was throbbing, and i otherwise felt pretty gross. what valentine's day would be complete without a little nausea? i do feel quite a bit better now, though. if i had to guess i'd say it's because i know this horrible holiday is almost over for another year. and tomorrow, ryan and i are going to celebrate that with 5 gay men (the queer eye guys)! it doesn't get much better than that!

goal for tonight: fall asleep before 3:30 am.

it's 2 am

it's one of those nights where i can't fall asleep because i'm thinking too much. there are so many things running through my mind tonight... ideas... worries... questions that seem to have no answers.

*sigh*... what i wouldn't give for someone to cuddle me to sleep...

ah! i hate this stupid holiday!!!!

if there is a good thing about valentine's day, this is it.

a temporary cure for boredom... enjoy! :)

what high school stereotype are you?

You scored as Punk/Rebel. Punk/Rebel 38% Prep/Jock/Cheerleader 25% Drama nerd 25% Stoner 25% Goth 19% Ghetto gangsta 13% Geek 13% Loner 6% What's Your High School Stereotype?> created with QuizFarm.com

well, it appears to be that time of year again... valentine's day. i even hate typing it. ugh. anyway, since i am bombarded by vomit-inducing valentine's day ads (ew. i wrote it again!), i've decided to share with you my favorite candy of the season. enjoy!

i need this shirt!!!! hahaha

i need a vacation... from life.

i'm so tired and yet... so restless. one minute all i want to do is sleep for 2 days, and the next i want to run about 20 miles. i've noticed a similar pattern with my contentment. some days i'm so content i'm almost to the point of complacency, but other days i find myself feeling fairly dissatisfied with my life as it is right now. i go through these phases from time to time, but i'm having a hard time getting myself out of it this time...

today was um... interesting.

yesterday afternoon i came back to the apartment to find that the ceiling in my bathroom had acquired a growth. it looked like there was a bag of water hanging from the ceiling. needless to say, this is not exactly something i wanted to deal with... ever. so i didn't. at least not right away.

instead i went to the women's film series showing of Seven Beauties, which is an independent film from the 70's. unfortunately i was unaware (before it began) that it was about an italian soldier who was captured and put into a concentration camp. this did not help my already foul mood... at all. i went to bed with images of... well... things you would imagine one would see in a concentration camp. i have no problem with films of this nature. i think it's important for people to be exposed to these kinds of atrocities because it was a reality for a lot of people, but i was not in a mindset to appreciate it last night.

anyway... back to the point. i came back to the apartment and realized that this situation with the ceiling was probably not something i wanted to ignore for an extended period of time, so i called the apartment office and left a message for them to come as soon as possible. the maintenance man was here all day. evidently what started out as a leaky toilet (yeah, ew) above us turned into a much larger problem. hooray for living in an apartment building!

by the way... anyone have any idea what one would use vegetable oil for when fixing a pipe? just curious...

after that madness i went to social stratification. man, i love that class. i don't think i've ever been more excited about going to a class than i am for that one. i really can't even describe what is so wonderful about it... you'd just have to experience it for yourself.

and then there's my black women writers class...
i've decided that my professor is clinically insane. tonight she read to us for 35 minutes. t h i r t y- f i v e minutes... evidently i've regressed to kindergarten. the best part is the stuff she was reading had something to do with the "eroticism" of reading. all i can say is that is an hour and a half that i will NEVER get back.

when i came back to the apartment... and to the hole in my ceiling after that class i decided i needed a drink, but since i'm not yet 21, katie and i decided to go to square one for hot chocolate instead (the next best kind of drink). unfortunately square one is closed for a couple days for rennovations... so it was onto the lyndon diner for us. (mmmm... curly fries!) as always, we had a smashingly good time, which included a conversation about the pope. i believe it went something like this:
kate: we don't have the pope.
me: that's good.
kate: *nod* one man shouldn't be able to make all those decisions by himself.
me: he can't even pee on his own... if you can't pee on your own, you shouldn't be pope.

sensationally irreverent! nothing says a good time like curly fries and a discussion about the pope's ability (or inability) to relieve himself... by himself.

Today I change,
Too late cuz every town feels the same,
I'm different and you're distant,
Add it up and it makes no difference.

-Sugarcult "Stuck In America"

this is from the May 1955 edition of Housekeeping Monthly. um... did women really believe this crap? it's a darn good thing i wasn't a housewife in 1955. blood would be shed. either that or i'd voluntarily commit myself.

i'm bored.

winter is the most boring, depressing, painful season ever (in the world). i cannot get over how bored i am right now. i'm not really sure why, because i actually have a lot to do right now. it's all school-related though, so that's probably why i'm bored. i need to do something exciting! anyone have any suggestions?

evidently we've given up the search for weapons of mass destruction. funny how no american newspapers are running this story. it makes me sick to think of all the soldiers and civilians who lost their lives in vain. what is wrong with this country!?!

so i'm back at school. whoopie! had to get up at 7:30 in the bloody morning today... not my idea of a good time. on the plus side, i don't have any classes tomorrow so i don't have to get out of bed at all if i don't want to! it's weird being back at school... there are moments when i feel like last semester was years ago, and others that it was yesterday. i had a great break though. i got to spend some quality time relaxing with some old friends... and some new ones. i met erik's "quasi-girlfriend" (hahaha)... she's awesome. i seriously can't imagine a girl better suited for him than jenn. it's kinda crazy seeing him in love and all that craziness. he's finally growing up. *sniff* i'm so happy for him though. he deserves the best... and as far as i can tell, jenn is it. it's just too bad they're on the other side of the state. i miss hanging out with erik and i'd really love to be able to get to know jenn better. i just might have to go visit or something.

my first day of classes has gone pretty well so far. my computer class should be rather easy, and i think my advanced comp class is actually going to be fun. i have social stratification and black women writers tonight. strat should be a good time. i wonder if dr. schaffer will really dress up like the grim reaper like he said he would...

on that note, i will leave you with my new favorite green day song (it's called "holiday")...

Hear the sound of the falling rain
Coming down like an Armageddon flame
The shame
The ones who died without a name
Hear the dogs howlin' out of key
To a hymn called Faith and Misery
And bleed, the company lost the war today
I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives
On holiday
Hear the drum pounding out of time
Another protestor has crossed the line
To find the money's on the other side
Can I get another Amen
There's a flag wrapped around a score of men
A gag
A plastic bag on a monument
I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives
On holiday
"The representative from California has the floor"
Zeig Heil to the president gasman
Bombs away is your punishment
Pulverize the Eiffel towers
Who criticize your government
Bang bang goes the broken glass
Kill all the fags that don't agree
Trials by fire setting fire
Is not a way that's meant for me
Just cause Just cause because we're outlaws yeah!
I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives
This is our lives on holiday

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hhhmmm... i feel a little better now...

i'm not a big fan of holidays anymore. they're nothing like they used to be. nothing's like it used to be. i must say, i'd really love some kind of normalcy right about now. this holiday season has been a little painful. things with my extended family are still not very good. on christmas eve we usually all get together at my grandfather's house, but this year we didn't because my aunts and uncles can't seem to grow up and get along. so instead my parents and i along with my aunt annie, uncle kollie, uncle carl, aunt jane, and my cousins mary and carl drove to my other family members' homes to drop off their gifts. at the end of this little escapade we ate lunch... in a deli. it reminded me of the chinese restaurant scene from "A Christmas Story". this may not sound too unusual to you, but it was very different for us. i began to wonder if things would ever be the same. christmas used to be so magical for me when i was younger, but now it's lost much of its luster. i wasn't able to see my father's family this year either. we usually have them down the weekend before christmas, but it would have been too hard for my mother this year with all that's going on in her family. i've barely seen any of my friends because they're all busy, and now we might not even be getting together for new year's. this is the last year we'll all be single. cj and greg will be married by this time next year... and shell and brandon 6 months later. i feel like life is moving much too quickly for me to keep up. part of me wants things to stay the same, the other part is desperate for change. i'm not sure i could be more frustrated...

well... i'm home for christmas. when i got home on saturday i was so happy to be in my own house... it's all warm, cozy and decorated for christmas. my happiness was interrupted by some sad news though. cj called to tell me that our friend, dave, passed away in his sleep on friday night. tomorrow we're going to his funeral. i have a mixture of emotions about all of this. dave suffered from cancer for a long time, so i'm happy that he's finally at peace. at the same time i'm going to miss him, and i'm sure his family will as well. words can't really express the kind of person dave was. he was kind, and generous, and funny. he was always concerned about everyone else despite his illness. people went to visit him in an effort to make him feel better, but i think we all ended up feeling better ourselves. he was a special person and will truly be missed...


"May angels lead you in..."

I HATE FINALS!!!!!!

it's funny how i can "forget" how much friends mean to me after not seeing them for months/years... looking forward to christmas break... much love...

so let me tell ya about my thanksgiving break... i'm beginning to really hate this holiday. the past two years have been... rough... to say the least. no need to go into any detail about last year. i think everyone knows what happened there. this year it was extended family craziness. i knew it was tense, but wow.... i was NOT ready for what happened on thursday night. it really makes me sad... and i hope that it can be healed, but it's going to take a lot of time. hopefully they can let go of their anger and bitterness, and restore their relationships.

on a much better note... after all the insanity at my grandfather's house, i went to see some really great friends from high school. as i sat on the couch between the two of them i was kind of surprised at how comfortable i still was with both of them. nothing has really changed... and i really needed that on thursday night. one comment nathan made was quite funny, and pretty much summed up my relationship with erik. he said, "nothing has changed between you two at all. he's still driving you crazy and you're still telling him to get away from you." haha... so true. it was absolutely wonderful to spend time with those guys and talk about all the time we spent together in high school. nathan moved to arizona after my junior year of high school. we weren't exactly on the best of terms before he left, so it was so nice to see him and put all that stuff behind us. he just moved back to pennsylvania, so i'm hoping we'll get to spend more time together. i'm so thankful for friends who may change and grow, but will always be the same in the ways that really matter. so guys... i love ya... thanks for a great time on thursday night... and for just being you...

on friday mark came up from his grandparent's in state college. we made our annual trip to wal mart. haha... i don't think there's been a weekend that he's been up that we haven't gone to wal mart together. i finally got a dvd player for the apartment, cuz our vcr doesn't work anymore. i also got a portable cd player cuz i thought mine was broken. i found out last night, however, that it wasn't the cd player. it was the batteries. yes, ladies and gentlemen, i'm a moron. after the trip to wal mart we went to gallery of sound to get the new greenday cd (which, by the way... i LOVE!!!). i love that store. it's so much cheaper than the rest of them. instead of spending almost $19 for a cd i spent $12, and this makes me happy. after that shell and brandon came down to hang out with us. we watched tv, and i fell asleep. haha... sorry guys. it was good to see you while i was awake.

on saturday i had thanksgiving dinner wtih my parents, mark, and vanessa. it was soooo good. my mother is a wonderful cook. it's too bad i didn't inherit that gene. eh well... i can microwave things. later that night we went to see "A Christmas Story" at the BTE. it was cute. i think my father and i have seen the movie too many times to really appreciate it on stage. it was good though, and as always, a lot of fun. we went home after that and had pumpkin pie and went to bed. we were all rather exhausted from the happenenings earlier in the week.

then comes sunday... we all went to my church. i love my church at home. they're all so welcoming and loving. *sigh* i always feel good when i'm there. i think that's a great characteristic to have as a church. they're such wonderful people. after that, it was home for dinner and "christmas" with vanessa. she always gets the nicest presents for me. i'm so thankful for her... haha... and not just because she gets me nice gifts. then it was time to head back to good old lancaster. i'm so glad there's only 3 weeks left in the semester. i'm looking forward to being home for the holidays. hopefully christmas will be less eventful than thanksgiving...

on that note... i'm late for class... so i'm off... love to all...

so i'm home... and it's weird. it really hit me tonight how much things have changed around here... and how much it's going to continue to change. it's a lot easier to handle when i'm in lancaster. (haha... none of my friends down there are talking about planning weddings and buying houses and having children.) i'm happy for my friends who are getting married though... i really am. it's just weird right now... cuz i'm not in that place in my life. eh... i think i should just stop thinking and go to bed... g'night all... much love...

it seriously needs to be december 18th right now!!!!

life is crazy... but i guess it wouldn't be life if it wasn't...