All the heat has caused this party of 3 to be quite still today, which is hard, but so necessary.
This stillness has allowed me to be more mindful of my surroundings for the moment. As I stood at my kitchen window earlier, I witnessed one neighbor mowing his grass with a riding mower & another mowing his with a mule--very different methods, but both effective. Neither is better than the other, just different.
This reminded me of motherhood: many different methods & opinions. None better than the others, just different (with the exception of "methods" that are abusive-- that's a whole other topic), and yet, we women sometimes attack each other over these differences of opinion. So it made me think: when did motherhood become a competitive sport? Did our mothers and theirs before them experience the same thing as young mothers? Was there ever a time that moms, on the whole, didn't berate each other over choices like breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding & disposable vs. cloth? What do we gain from this? Nothing. In fact, not only do we damage others, we damage ourselves by missing out on opportunities to learn & grow.
The mom that had a c-section is just as much of a mom as the one that didn't. The mom that mothers babies that others have physically given birth to is just as much a mom as any other mom out there (and often has a tougher job). Sometimes our plans for motherhood go awry. I know mine did. I was positive that I would have a natural birth & breastfeed for an entire year. That didn't happen. With Davyd, I had to have a c-section because, during labor, his heart rate dropped & didn't come back up. Between the time that Dr. Eichenlaub said "We're doing a c-section. Now." to the time that Davyd was out was less than 10 minutes-- it was that emergent. In the end, I'm just thankful that he & I were both ok. Then came breastfeeding. We tried. It didn't work. And yes, that's possible. I just didn't produce enough to meet his caloric needs. I tried my hardest, spending many nights sobbing as I tried to nurse him, until I finally allowed myself to "give up" & do what was best for him, which was bottle feeding. I spent way too much time feeling guilty about his birth & eating. This guilt came from many sources, including myself, the media, & other moms. I still feel guiltily sometimes, which is ridiculous, because the choices were simple: have a c-section & we'd both be ok, or try a natural birth & lose him; and keep breastfeeding & let him lose weight, or bottle feed him & provide the nourishment he needed. Still, I felt like I was broken, and some other moms out there in the world tried to keep me feeling that way. Thankfully the ones that matter to me provided the support I needed.
The point is, there's no need for all this judgment-- of ourselves, or other moms. Parenting is THE HARDEST job in the world, & we should all give ourselves & other parents a break.
I say this knowing that I often fight the urge to judge another mom when I'm in the grocery store & the mom gives in to her child's incessant pleading for the snack he wants. But how do I know what that mom has endured today? Maybe she has reached the last millimeter of sanity & has decided that giving in to the whining will save her from having her own meltdown in the middle of the cereal aisle. If I think about it that way, I can't blame her. If I'm honest, I've done the same thing. There comes a point in every mom's day that she JUST. CAN'T. anymore. And that's ok. In those times, we should be reaching out to each other with a glass of wine. I mean support. No really, a glass of wine. Let's just be honest.
Today, I read the story of Mary (Jesus' mom) going to stay with her cousin, Elizabeth, who was also pregnant, when Mary found out that she was going to have Jesus. I have to think that they both felt overwhelmed & incompetent. I mean, one was "way too old" to have a baby, & the other one was practically a child herself. But instead of judging each other for their differences, they clung to each other for dear life (this is my guess, based on my own feelings about motherhood). These women were brilliant. Let's all be Marys & Elizabeths, shall we?
💜 