i've been finding myself longing for new things lately, namely a new home. sometimes i even begin to feel sorry for myself that money is tight and we haven't been able to buy a house yet, but today i talked to a 14 year old girl who doesn't eat breakfast in the morning because there simply isn't enough food at her house. from outward appearances, one would never guess that she and her younger sister sometimes go hungry. she looks like a typical 14 year old. the difference with her and others is that her father is disabled, and the food stamps that the family receives every month because of his disability simply don't provide enough food for the family.

as she told her story, i began to feel incredibly embarrassed. i've always had a kitchen full of food (even though i sometimes open the pantry and and report to matt that "there's no food in this house"), a warm place to live, and more importantly, wonderful people to share these blessings with, but i often take these blessings for granted. i should spend my time being overwhelmingly thankful for what i have, and not even give thought to what i don't have.

on that note, i couldn't be more thankful for God's patience with me...

just found this post i wrote a couple years ago... thought it was fitting for how i'm feeling tonight.

T-R-U-S-T

this word has come up a lot lately. actually, it has come up a lot throughout my life, and yet i am no closer to mastering the concept now than i was years ago.

trust has never come naturally to me, as i'm sure it probably doesn't to many people, but in looking back on my life i can see that my ability to trust has diminished as time has passed. at first glance, this might seem like a natural chain of events... the more a person is disappointed by others, the less able he or she will be to trust. it is true that i've been disappointed and hurt by some people in my life, so perhaps it's logical for me to not trust those individuals anymore. however, it isn't logical for me to mistrust other people who have never given me a reason to believe that they're not trustworthy. what's even more illogical is for me to mistrust God. he has never given me a reason not to trust him, but has given me every reason to trust him. not only did he die on a cross so that i could spend eternity with him (pretty sure if someone does that, he's trustworthy), but he's protected me from a great deal of pain... even though i chose to get myself into painful situations. the thing is, no matter how stupid i am, no matter how incredibly poor the choices i make are, God wants to give me good things. this is a concept that i can't seem to grasp, probably because it seems totally illogical. why would God want to give someone like me--someone who is selfish, impatient, untrusting (etc, etc)-- good things?!? in wordly terms that doesn't make sense. but that's the beauty of who God is. he's not of this world, and therefore does things differently. in this world, we get rewarded when we perform well. but God desires to bless us even though we continually screw up. yes, you read that correctly... he desires to bless us. he wants us to experience all that he has for us (ie., what's best for us). so why is it so difficult to trust him? probably because sometimes what's best for us happens in a painful manner. sometimes in order to learn, God allows us to be hurt, and sometimes we get hurt just because this world isn't perfect. there's risk involved with trust. but another beautiful thing about God is that he knows what that risk is like. when Jesus was on this earth, he experienced that risk. he knows exactly how it feels.

the creator of the universe knows exactly how i feel at this very moment...


what an incredible thought.