yes, today is sunday. no, i didn't go to church.

for quite some time now, my desire to be involved in church has been on what may best be described as a roller-coaster ride. my "distaste" for some aspects of the church (and by this i mean the "community of believers"-- a.k.a. christians) began during my sophomore year in high school. i went to a conservative christian school in bloomsburg, whose leaders tended (in my opinion) to be comprable to the pharisees described in the new testament. in my experience, many of the leaders of this school failed to love as Christ loved. they had very stringent standards of dress, behavior, attitudes, and opinions that could not be defied or even questioned without some kind of reproach. (in contrast, most of the teachers i had were wonderful examples of Christ's love, and i am truly thankful for them.) before i go on, i will say that i don't mean to berate these individuals. we are all human, and i am just as capable of mistreating people as they are. i am merely using them as an example to explain my feelings about the church.

there are many examples stored in my memory that i could recount for you, but i don't think they're necessary in making my point. i will just say this: there were many situations in which individuals involved in the school (teachers and students) were in need of some compassion, but instead were attacked and scolded for what was seen as their "shortcomings". naturally, i became fairly angry and hurt about this mistreatment, and because i was young and immature, i allowed what began as "righteous anger" to turn into bitterness.

in the year that followed, painful situations escalated at school. in addition, my beloved piano teacher passed away prematurely from heart disease, my boyfriend at the time was deployed to kuwait for six months, my youth pastor and his wife moved away in order for him to continue his education, and several major disagreements errupted in my church. the combination of all these situations caused a flood of questions to flow through my mind. the most prominent of which was, "if this is how christians treat people, do i really want to be labeled as one?"

with the assistance of time and several loving mentors, i began to understand that the hurtful behavior of the individuals mentioned before was not christianity, the basis for which is love, grace, and acceptance. this realization didn't solve much for me. yes, it answered the question of what christianity is really all about, but it also induced another, perhaps bigger question: "how do we accomplish this?" this is a question that i still often ask myself. i think it's a question that we need to never stop asking. how do we love as Christ loved? how do we become, as my youth pastor so poignantly described it, "jesus with skin on"? obviously, there is no easy answer, but i think that at the core, we must stop focusing on ourselves. last week i drove through a little town outside of lancaster called conestoga, and noticed the sign in front of one of the churches on the main road. it said, "at the center of sin is i". i think we can all agree it's a bit cheezy, but i think the point is valuable. until christians stop focusing on ourselves, we will continue to hurt those around us and fail in our calling to love.

all this to say that today i was thinking about why i didn't want to go to church this morning. there are many reasons. some are purely personal that i just need to get over, and some are more, fundamental, if you will. i think the christian community has come to a crossroads. we are stagnant. something needs to change, but are we willing to do the work involved to bring about this change? last night mark and i went to provident bookstore. while browsing the "church" section, mark noticed that many of the books were about "the emerging church". we both stated our pleasure in knowing that there are other people out there who are willing to critique the church, but mark questioned whether this was a movement that would bring about real change, or if it was all just a bunch of rhetoric.

something needs to be changed, and i'm beginning to believe that the church, as it is, cannot be fixed. i think that, in a lot of ways, we need to completely abandon the way we do things now, and start over. i don't know how to accomplish this, but i hope and pray that God will enlighten us... and soon...

i don't have much to say, other than... this weekend was loads of fun... and here are some pictures from t.j. rockwell's...

in case you don't know, this is me, the kateness, and amber

and here's katie and laura

hope everyone is having a great week... love to all...

since it's almost time for my least favorite day of the year, i thought i'd share my favorite valentine's day card...(check out the website too... what's your favorite?)

can't. fall. asleep... must. stop. thinking...

forgive me... i have no time to post... and no exciting events to post about...




(happy, mark? )